Hey ladies. I really hope your Christmas was better than mine!! :roll: Just a pre-warning - this post contains some serious whining and self pity.
So, my amazing Christmas season kicks off with AF coming on the 23rd. Gotta love her! No pregnancy for me! Bah! I cheer myself up by reminding me that we weren't supposed to be trying until January anyway, so it was our 'free go' and doesn't matter. Also, it meant i could get drunk over Christmas. Yeah! So, i went into town on Christmas Eve with some girlfriends and we have a real good laugh. That is until i meet one of my bloke friends and he announces that him and his girlfriend are pregnant!! Merry F***ing Christmas!! Now, don't get me wrong. I am not a mean person and every baby is a joy etc etc. BUT, his girlfriend was drinking as i spoke to her, they have only been together two minutes, and there are loads of other reasons why this news is sh*t that i can't put out on this public Internet site out of respect for him. If you want to PM me, i don't mind telling you in private.
Anyhoo, i managed to be nice to their faces and all congratulatory, but once i got home, fuelled by drink and the fact that every f***er else was so f***king happy at this most wonderful time of year, i ranted about it by text to a best friend and ranted about it to Scott, who were both really angry at the crap timing of the announcement. When i went to bed i really tried not to think about it, but i couldn't and i ended up crying. I tried to cry quietly but Scott heard me and consoled me, so that turned into huge wails into the night about "Why now?" "What did we do to deserve this?!" "We are good people!!" and all the usual stuff. So it went from a general cry about being angry at said friends for their complete lack of compassion and forethought, into a huge pity party for everything that has happened to us over the past couple of years. Yeah, like i said, Merry F***ing Christmas!
Christmas Day was actually okay. Despite having virtually NO sleep and waking up with the puffiest eyes ever we still managed to have a laugh and get plenty drunk.
Boxing Day i woke up with a cold. Great. We had been planning a day out drinking and a meal with SIL & BIL & my sister for months. I had to just go for the meal and a couple of OJ's cause i felt like poo.
The same day i received a PM from someone alerting me to the fact that some unstable bint had copied and pasted my birth and loss story with Ada and used Ada's pictures as if they were her own, calling "her" baby "Athena". Of course my initial reaction was hurt and anger, but after like two minutes i was over it. I figure that if i am going to post pictures of my babies and their story on the internet then there's a chance that this might happen, but it's just a shock to see that it actually has you know? The Admin from this other site were great and so were the Admin ladies at preg.org. They worked together to remove the troll and all references she made to my story and pictures as being hers. What a whack job!!
The cold i started with on Boxing Day got worse the next day and worse again the day after that. Now it's a little better, but i have had bugger all sleep for about a week. My throat, head and ears hurt. I can't breathe properly and i just feel generally like sh*t.
Last year, around this time i remember how excited i was for 2007 to begin because it couldn't be any worse than 2006. How wrong i was!!! This time i am just sitting in dread for what might be coming. This time i am not promising myself a better year because that's a promise i can't keep. I am not a suicidal person, and i have always been proud to be who i am. For the first time ever this Christmas i thought to myself that things might just be better if i were someone else, or if i weren't here at all. I'm not saying this for drama, or for a reaction, because it really wasnt half as dramatic as it sounds when i write it down. Just that for the briefest, most fleeting fraction of a second i wished i weren't me, and that upset me, because that never happens.
If you managed to read all this. Thanks. :giveflower:
:angel2: Zane. Delivered by c-section at 41 weeks. Died due to Vasa Praevia. 16-17 October 2006
:angel2: Ada. Delivered by c-section at 25 weeks. Her heart just stopped. No explanation. 7 September 2007
Co-Host of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support.