Colleague bringing baby into work tomo, what do i do? XP
So i got a text from my colleague earlier, saying he was bringing his baby and wife into work with him tomo for a couple of hours. I really dont know what to do. If they ask me to hold the baby i know for a fact i am no where near ready to do that. Im not even ready to see it, i cant help feeling this way.
My colleague's wife had 2 m/c about a year and a half ago. He was so pleased for me when i got pg as we were able to talk baby stuff alot of the time. His baby was born about 2 weeks after my m/c. Now, i know he is excited and pleased and can think of nothing else but his newborn but it makes me feel like s**t. And it makes me feel really evil for not wanting to look at his baby. He has already shoved photos (ok perhaps not shoved) under my nose a few times and i just feel like screaming for gods sake more than anyone you should know not to do this!!!!!!!!!! I havent said anything at all to him to let him know i feel like this so perhaps its my fault a little. I dont want him to feel like he has to be careful about what he says infront of me but at the same time i wish he would at least acknowledge the fact its only been 5 weeks since my m/c and perhaps im not ready for all the baby talk and pics.
I really hate the way i sound as i know i would have been so happy and really involved had i still been pg. Its worse at the mo as i should be to 16 weeks, feeling my baby move.
So what do i say tomo when they all come in? I know what he is like and im sure he will try and give the baby to me. Do i just grit my teeth and put up? or should i say im really sorry im not ready for this and sound like a bitter old you know what! I dont want to make him out to be this horrid person because he really isnt, i just think he is thoughtless at times.
does anyone at work know about it? could you take off a couple hours for an "appt." that just happens to be when they are there?
Or if that doesn't work, just maybe pull him aside and explain things and say that while you are very happy for them, you just aren't ready?
good luck with what you do
Two weeks after my loss I already had a trip planned to see my best friends newborn. It was so hard to do, but I am glad I did it. It helped get me over the whole "can't look at babies thing." (I still HATE looking at pregnant women) I held her and just cried. I didn't hold back, I just cried and cried until I didn't need to anymore. Of course I had the privacy of my friends house to do that in, and I did also have my youngest DS there with me.
I am not suggesting are situations are in any way the same, but perhaps you will receive from it the same thing that I did, in a way.
If you just can't do it, is there a way you can be somewhere else when they come? Like, lunch?? I think if you explain to him that it just hurts too much right now to endure seeing a newborn. Tell him you are happy for him, but your hurt right now is too big.
I wish there were something I could say to make this easier for you, but I know there isn't. Like PP said, each situation and person is different, and I don't have much advice for this one. I haven't had a problem with pregnant women or their baby IF they have had a loss. I don't know, it's just different for me. I look at it like, see, it can still happen for me and I try to remind myself of what this other mother has gone through. It kind of keeps me hopeful. Now, pregnant women or their baby if I know they haven't had a loss, that is still hard for me 4 months after my loss. I completely understand why you feel the way you do, I have a family member who is pregnant and I haven't even spoken to her at all (she must be around 26 weeks if that tells you how long I've avoided her), but I thought I'd give it a little different perspective since the woman you mentioned has had two losses. I hope you find what's right and best for you one way or another. It's such a tough situation. My thoughts are with you.
Last edited by flutterby4; 01-28-2008 at 11:36 PM.
Reason: spelling again
I agree with Amy-this other woman has also suffered losses so you could look at it that way. Although i know how hard it would be to hold a baby-if you aren't ready then politely tell them you don't wish to hold the baby right now. i'm sure they would understand. i think i would try to tell him before they got there though so the woman won't be offended. if you can get out of the office though, then that's what i would do. it's natural for you to feel the way you do-we all have our limits and it seems you know yours. don't overdo it. you could always call in sick!
I can't add anything better than what these amazing ladies have already said. If I were in that situation I think that I would do whatever possible to be somewhere else during that time. I hope it goes peacefully for you.
OMG so he came into work and boy do i feel like such an a**e!! I feel so bad!
Him and his wife had bought me a beautiful Molten Brown gift set to say thankyou for shifting rotas around for him to be able to go to scans etc. I felt so bad for thinking that i dont want to see their baby and they had just come in with a gift for me when, if anything, i should have bought a gift for them for the new baby! I held him, and yes i did feel inwardly sad but not as bad as i thought. I feel happy that i have been able to do this for them aswell, i think i would have just felt bad all day had i turned to them and said im not ready to hold your baby.
Hopefully this is me moving on.
I am so proud of you for being so strong. I dont think he was being thoughtless, a man never understands how it is but his wife sure does . I hope this means healing for you, and i hope you have a friend in his wife in the future.