At work today my boss pulled me aside to talk about my "mental state". Apparently, it's obvious that I'm not doing well. I work really hard. I love my job and I love my students and it's sometimes not easy working with special needs kids but I think I do a pretty good job. I also thought that, regardless of how I feel privately about my life right now, I was managing a good game face at work. I guess not. Secretly, I admit it. I'm not doing very well. I can even, if I'm honest, claim outright depression. But my work is separate. Or, I'd sure like it to be. Plus, I'm not sure that I feel that it's fair to tell me that "I'm just not the same person" right now. I lost the baby at work so everyone knows and everyone seems to be watching me a little more closely. I can't help but think that if no one knew, would they notice my slight changes in personality. I mean, I've only been there a year. It's not like they really know me. My boss said that yes, she would notice. Am I worse then I thought? I asked if I was somehow dropping the ball at work. If there is a problem in my performance, I really want to fix it. She said no, that this wasn't an appriasal thing, just concern for me. But she suggessted I look into coucelling. I don't want to. I don't see how paying money to talk to someone who doesn't really know me, or care to, will help me. I talk to my hubby all the time and to certain members of my family. There's nothing a professional can do to fix whatever made me loose two children and there's nothing I'd say to them that I don't say to my husband. We are really close like that and I'm 100% honest. I'm a little offended that I am being made to address this outright at work. But at the same time, I appriciate that she is concerned. And she's been through it so I know she gets it. Of course I cried when forced to talk about it, which didn't go very far to show her that I'm fine. I'm embarassed about my lack of emotional control when confronted. I'm not capable of dealing with anymore etional stress at this time and I don't want work to look at me like I can't handle my job or my personal life. I love my job. And I"m still new so I don't want to mess anything up. I honestly thought I was hiding my pain well. I know I'm doing good work. At least, I think I am. Thanks for listening.