Constantly posting lately...but...

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flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219
Constantly posting lately...but...

Depressing and loss mentioned...

I know I am constantly posting here lately, but my mind is just working overtime. This whole experience just seems beyond cruel to me. It is bad enough that we lose our children, but for so many of us, we will never know why. I really think that is the part that gets to me the most about m/c, the not knowing anything. So often lately I catch myself just standing there, I guess talking to whoever you believe in, and just being like "can't you at least just tell me why?" or even if it will happen again. Whether you know the reason or not, losing a child is a horrible tragedy, but it's just almost too much sometimes, I don't know why it happened, I don't know if it will happen again, I don't know anything other than I lost my baby and it all just makes me so angry. Many of us don't know if it will happen to us again or why it keeps happening. It feels like now if I want to be a mother, I have to gamble...I'm not much of a gambler, especially with a life. I KNOW I'm not ready to TTC yet, but with all these thoughts, will I ever be. I see so many women on here TTC again or carrying a healthy baby and I think you are all so brave. I don't know if that can ever be me. I wanted our baby so badly and I feel so responsible for all of this. I know I'm not, but I just can't help it. I feel guilty because I see the pain that SO is still in, DSS was let down because he isn't going to be big brother, and I feel like I let our baby down too. I don't know how many times I can put all of the people that I love through this. And I can't help thinking about the baby and when the heart stopped. We both always though it was a girl, although we never knew, so we always refer to her as her. I walked around for almost 2 weeks with our child inside me, her little heart not beating anymore. I think it is a little sick for me to think this way and I hesitated to even put this here, but I keep wondering what I was doing when her heart stopped. Was I angry and she felt that, was I sad, was I in pain and she felt that too...I keep finding myself praying lately that I was laughing, maybe SO was reading to me or we were on a nice walk, or kissing, or even tickling each other or anything as long as it was good. It is killing me to think that her last moments weren't good ones, that she was in pain or feeling my stress. I know this is irrational and I shouldn't even be thinking about it, I just can't help it right now. I just wish I knew why it happened. I wish I knew if it would happen again, if I knew that, obviously I wouldn't try again, I couldn't and trying without knowing is just a leap of faith I don't know if I can ever take. The whole thing is just cruel. To have a baby taken from you, not know why, and not know if you can prevent it from happening again.

Thanks for listening,
Amy

abbyrocks2427's picture
Joined: 10/26/06
Posts: 54

((HUGS)) sweetie I kow how you feel I widh i know why it happened to me but I dont and it sucks becaue like you said you want to know why? how and if it can be prevented...your in my thoughts and prayers..

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am sorry for you loss--I know it is so difficult, with all the unanswered questions. I don't know what to say, except if you are religious, maybe you can find some answers that way, or perhaps try talking to a therapist?
:bigarmhug:

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

Thanks guys, I am so grateful for this board. I'm more spiritual than religious, not much into going to church (to me usually more politics than religion) but I do believe in God. I had thought about talking to a therapist, but the thing is...I feel ok most days, making plans, moving on, at least as much as can be expected after 2 1/2 months. I know that the questions I have probably will never be answered, if they are, it will be through testing...I don't honestly think there is anything that a therapist could say or suggest that would help much with this, they would probably just annoy me at this point partly because I find it hard to talk to someone who hasn't been through it unless they are close family and friends. If that makes any sense. I'm just telling myself 'this too shall pass' and I know it will. I just have to let this process run it's course.

As always, thanks for listening,
Amy

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

Amy
I am glad you post here as often as you do because it makes it okay for me to do the same. I think we post here because we need to.

I too am not yet ready to entertain ttc again. It has only been 3 and 1/2 months for me and I'm just not there yet. A part of me wants another child but another part of me thinks maybe one live child and one angel baby are enough. I guess I will know when the time is right. I think about ttc often but not ready to give up the pill yet.

Guilt has been a big theme on our board lately. It's good to know that you are not alone in feeling guilty. I never thought about what I was doing when her heart actually stopped. I felt a really strong movement from her on the Tues. night (while I was in bed) and I actually think that was her final moment in retrospect. If so that meant that she had already passed by the Wednesday when I was teaching an inservice. Can you imagine, here I was teaching teachers how to do a running record and meanwhile my daughter had already passed away. How surreal!

Sending you hugs
Antionette

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for your pain. For all of our pain. I wish there was a magic pill we could all take so that it wouldn't hurt some much.
As far as posting I think we are tied with the needing others so right now. I think that is alright we all go in shifts and right not it is our turn for support.

TTC is far away for me to which kills me because I know my husband is ready I see it in his eyes.

I hope you find peace soon. I hope we all find peace soon.

Robin

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

Oh honey. Please continue to post here. I feel as if your posts could be pages literally taken from my journal. I unfortunately know that I was freaking out when Damien's heart beat its last beat. However, I do not know if he was at peace or not. I pray that he was and that even as he was leaving us for the loving arms of his grandfather that he was bathed in the love that we have for him. I go through all of the guilt and anguish you describe on a nearly daily basis at times. I feel as though I have miserably failed my DH and my DD and Damien.

As for TTC, only you will know when or if that is right for you. I know that we don't want our family to end this way. However, our experiences are completely different and while we both suffer greatly, it is in so many similar and yet so many different ways. I pray that you find some peace.

Shelly

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

Thanks guys. Shelly, your posts always hit very close to home with me. It almost seems like we are in the same stages at the same time. While I am scared to TTC again, I know that it is still early and I can't see our family ending like this either. I don't want it to. But I wonder if maybe it will be a pleasant surprise again because I don't know if I will ever be able to say 'ok, now' Smile Last time we said we weren't trying, but we weren't not trying either. That's probably how it will go again.

Happy Thanksgiving
Amy

Joined: 11/29/05
Posts: 49

:comfort: I am very sorry that you are feeling this way. All of the feelings that you have written about I have (and still do some days) also felt - I think we all have. You are not alone. I think seeing a therapist is a good idea - not for what they can tell you - but for the time set aside where you can say (in a safe, non-judgemental environment) all of the things that you are feeling and all of the fears that you still have. Sometimes talking it out (as laborious as it can sometimes be) really helps to to clarify things, and can sometimes lead to "light-bulb" moments as your thoughts become words, with can lead to new thoughts, new ideas, and hopefully finally peace. Whatever you decide to do I hope with all of my heart that you find the peace and happiness that you so deserve. Above all be kind to yourself - you are not to blame. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and it's just not fair. Good luck with everything.

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