Depressing and loss mentioned...
I know I am constantly posting here lately, but my mind is just working overtime. This whole experience just seems beyond cruel to me. It is bad enough that we lose our children, but for so many of us, we will never know why. I really think that is the part that gets to me the most about m/c, the not knowing anything. So often lately I catch myself just standing there, I guess talking to whoever you believe in, and just being like "can't you at least just tell me why?" or even if it will happen again. Whether you know the reason or not, losing a child is a horrible tragedy, but it's just almost too much sometimes, I don't know why it happened, I don't know if it will happen again, I don't know anything other than I lost my baby and it all just makes me so angry. Many of us don't know if it will happen to us again or why it keeps happening. It feels like now if I want to be a mother, I have to gamble...I'm not much of a gambler, especially with a life. I KNOW I'm not ready to TTC yet, but with all these thoughts, will I ever be. I see so many women on here TTC again or carrying a healthy baby and I think you are all so brave. I don't know if that can ever be me. I wanted our baby so badly and I feel so responsible for all of this. I know I'm not, but I just can't help it. I feel guilty because I see the pain that SO is still in, DSS was let down because he isn't going to be big brother, and I feel like I let our baby down too. I don't know how many times I can put all of the people that I love through this. And I can't help thinking about the baby and when the heart stopped. We both always though it was a girl, although we never knew, so we always refer to her as her. I walked around for almost 2 weeks with our child inside me, her little heart not beating anymore. I think it is a little sick for me to think this way and I hesitated to even put this here, but I keep wondering what I was doing when her heart stopped. Was I angry and she felt that, was I sad, was I in pain and she felt that too...I keep finding myself praying lately that I was laughing, maybe SO was reading to me or we were on a nice walk, or kissing, or even tickling each other or anything as long as it was good. It is killing me to think that her last moments weren't good ones, that she was in pain or feeling my stress. I know this is irrational and I shouldn't even be thinking about it, I just can't help it right now. I just wish I knew why it happened. I wish I knew if it would happen again, if I knew that, obviously I wouldn't try again, I couldn't and trying without knowing is just a leap of faith I don't know if I can ever take. The whole thing is just cruel. To have a baby taken from you, not know why, and not know if you can prevent it from happening again.
Thanks for listening,