Dealing with 3rd m/c child ment. (kinda graphic m/c content)
I don't even know where to begin this. I usually lurk here... sorry I don't post often. I started spotting last week friday, I should have been just over 8 weeks, had a quick scan done, and my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I knew things were off because the week before I had a scan that showed a baby with heartbeat, but measuring about a week smaller than what it should have been. The dr.'s of course didn't listen to me and said that everything looked great and to come back in two weeks to make sure things are still going well. Obviously things didn't. When I found out my baby died, I was sad, but just felt a lot of relief because I kinda knew it wasn't going to end well. This whole week, I've been dealing with the physical part of the m/c and just have been focused on that, so I didn't really do a whole lot of emotional grieving. Now that I've passed everything, and I'm just spotting, it's really hit me hard. I just have these horrible feelings of guilt about feeling relieved when I found out the baby died. Also when I was passing everything, the sac came out all intact, and I really tried to "save it". Give it a proper burial and such, but it just all broke apart. I had no choice to flush my baby down the toilet, and I just can't seem to get passed that. I guess I am just frustrated. I have had one successful pregnancy, and now 3 m/c's within 6 months. DH and I decided not to have any testing done yet, and give it another try (obviously not for quite a few months!). I guess I just needed to get it all out there, and ask if anyone else has been through any of this and how you deal with the guilt of it all! Thanks for reading.. sorry it was so long.
I had a similar experience with my 2nd m/c. The tissue passed, while I was on the toilet, after many hours of increasingly awful abdominal pain. I, too, flushed it away. To be honest, I was haunted by this for a while. I kept thinking how I flushed my baby away. Even though I rationally knew that this was not my fault and I was not guilty ... I still felt all that.
Time helped, and this board was a lifeline. I took comfort where I could, and kept reminding myself that it was not my fault. I also let myself grieve, that helped.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, hon. You gave all the love and care you could. It is absolutely unfair that this happened.
I don't post here much anymore, but I do remember you from a couple months ago, I think. Just wanted to let you know that I think the feelings of guilt are normal. I had a missed m/c at 10 weeks and I had to flush too and it still bothers me, 7 months later. At the time, I just couldn't bring myself to even look at what I had passed, let alone do anything to get it out of the toilet. I was literally terrified to open my eyes when I went to the restroom for a few days. I know it sounds crazy, but I was too worried what seeing my baby in the toilet would do to me, even though I knew that after the meds they gave me to induce, it would probably be just tissue. It ended up bothering me anyway. Sorry to turn this into being about me...just wanted you to know you weren't alone. I'm sorry for your loss. Please be good to yourself.
I know the feeling of gulit all to well. When I had my M/C I was getting into the hospital bed to have my D/C and my little girl came out on the floor. DH grabbed me and held me. I have felt so much guilt for not running over there and picking her up. I was just shock. I did not know what to do. I feel awful about how she landed on the floor. The gulit does get better I still feel it but it is not as bad.
I knw exactly how you feel. I had spotting for a while beofre I could get in to see a Dr and the spotting turned to bleeding and I just knew. I was so relieved when the pain was done. My cramping got so much less when I passed my sac that I instantly felt better. I remember looking at it in the toliet and thinking about weather or not to pick it out and deciding not to. I just couldn't deal with the image of it in my hands. It was too much. I flushed. I don't feel guilty. It was the only thing I could do at the time. I feel bad for the relief and I think that it will take a while for me to deal with that, but not for the flushing. Don't be too hard on yoruself. We all have our own ways of dealing and nothing you did/thought/or didn't do is new. Someone here has probably been through it. It's a great place to vent.