How do you all cope with the pain and all the aftermath of it all. I feel like im totally falling apart. I know that is apart of grief, but I dunno, the doctor has suggested counceling, but I am so not up to that right now.
I lost twins (girls) at 20 weeks due to pre term labor and my bp spiking throughing my body into labor that even meds couldnt stop and still having problems with my blood pressure. instead of retyping this I just swipped it from my blog, I don't think I could sit here and retype it without totally loosing it!!
Wednesday August 1st, I did nothing today, I have in the past. I have done a pick up of books that fall off my bed, or the last 3 or 4 toys left on the living room floor that Megan didn't pick up before she went to bed. Nothing major anyways. I got permission from the doctor to go swimming, but, I just floated and it was only for a half hour. All my monitoring have been great, I haven't even had to re-monitor what so ever in almost a week. Doctor reports all of them have looked pretty good, all under the 5 contractions in an hour that they allow.
I went to bed late 1:30am and with horrible back pain, Ambien has a side effect that can make you dizzy and light headed so I basically felt like shit when I went to bed. Woke up around 3:20ish to Shelby crying about something, who knows what or why. And as typical, I couldn't get back to sleep. I laid there for a bit and started hurting so bad. I changed positions and waited a few minutes hoping it would just go away before even trying to move, I was so scared to move, because I was hurting that bad. I must have laid there for 10 minutes just hurting and hurting. I finally got up the strength to move myself just a hair so I could hit the page button on the phone for Megan's phone. Took her less then a minute to hear the page and answer it, and then for her to come running into the room. I still couldn't really move I just hurt so badly. I called my doctor's office first, hoping it was there office that was on call, Thank god it was! I was on my way to L&D.
While I laid there trying to get the courage to get out of the bed, I cried. I knew something was going on, I was lightheaded, and I was dizzy. My vision was messed up. My back just killed. Megan ran next store and knocked on Marsha's door with no luck, she didn't hear it or wasn't home that evening. Panicking I had no idea who to call to watch the 3 younger children and new I could not leave them in charge of Shelby. Megan finally said call Lindsey's mom. (Megan's best friends mom) So Megan dialed, as at this point, I couldn't have seen the numbers to dial them, my vision was bad, everything was just a blur in front of me. After about 10 rings she answered, I apologized left and right for calling in the middle of the night, that I was in a bind and I needed someone to come sit with the children while I headed to L&D. She had no problems and said see you in 10 mins.
There was no way I was going to make it waiting 10 minutes for Lindsey's mom to get here and then a trip in the car to L&D having to pee so bad. So I did my danmdest to get up. I asked Megan to turn on the small lamp in my room as I couldn't see very good and I only had flipped the night light on to begin with as Shelby sleep's in bed with me.
When Megan turned the lamp on she took one look at me and said, Oh my god mom! She had told me my face and hands were swollen. My feet have been for days to the point where they hurt to have a sheet on them some days.
Getting to the bathroom was a painful walk and wasn't sure I was even going to be able to get up once I sat down. I had no idea what to do. I was hurting so bad. By this time Lindsey's mom arrived. I was in the bathroom crying and freaking out she told me to go ahead and sit, that she could help me up. Nothing like totally loosing your dignity! Bed rest sucks especially with no air conditioning, so I lounge in my bra and undies. So that is all I was in at the time. I managed to finally sit down and go to the bathroom. She helped me back up and get dressed, Thank heaven for nightgowns. I had one that fit!
She helped me down the few steps and down the walkway to the car. When all of us looked at each other, I asked who's staying and whose going? I wanted Megan to come but I couldn't drive myself and Megan had been caught once, I didn't want it happening again, so kissed and hugged Megan told her to call Marsha in the morning. Inform friends in the morning and off I went to L&D.
We get there amazingly a half hour later, and two pit stops along the way for me to open the door and throw up though I missed part of it and hit the inside of the car. I knew things were not looking well. Thank god it was my car, and I can't imagine what it smelled like after sitting in the parking lot either!
I have a free pass that I didn't want straight up to L&D, No staying in the emergency room. Was there long enough to tell them where I am to go and sit in a wheel chair. I got up to L&D where they had a bed all ready for me. They do the typical stuff, Ask a million and one questions, Take my temperature (104.6) and blood pressure (138/86) and some ones water broke and the nurse just about flipped! And left to go and get the doctor. I was a total basket case; Lindsey's mom was trying to hard to get me calmed down. Not what she probably expected to have to deal with when I called her down to originally watch the kids. I wasn't thinking clearly though on how I was going to get to the hospital at the time.
Doctor had rushed in and asked how I was feeling said he was going to do a internal check see what was going on and go from there with a course of action. He checked me and I was already 2cm dilated and 50% effaced. I remember looking at the clock it was around 4:30am. And put me on a belt to monitor contractions, it was probably only a few minutes after being monitored that I started feeling them. And did an ultrasound and it had appeared that Kataya's water broke, I was put on a Magnesium Sulfate drip to stop the labor and steroids to help the babies lungs mature.
Around 6:00 am I was finally calmed down enough where I could relax and catch some sleep when I woke up around 7:30 am to another gush of fluids. Despite all the medicine they were pumping into me, my body was not responding to them. Doctor came in, read the monitoring strip that showed my contractions, said they showed and that they were regular even though they were not full blown strong, and had been for the last few hours. Checked me, I was 3cm dilated and still at 50% effaced. I was still having major back pain, I was still having problems with my vision and my hands were starting to go numb. I was given the option of a local to help the pain or waiting it out. I opted to wait it out and asked for something to help me sleep instead. I was awake and closely watched to make sure my blood pressure didn't go any higher. Was told I was having vision problems because of the high blood pressure. Nurse came back with supplies and inserted a catheter pass my cervix to start pumping a warm saline solution into the amniotic sac to help with the birth it helps so the cord doesn't collapse and it also help so it would wouldn't be a dry birth. It was about 9:30am when I finally was comfortable enough and exhausted enough to rest my eyes again.
I slept until almost noon when I woke up, I decided to have Lindsey's mom dial her cell phone for me so I could call and update Megan with what was going on. Gave her the basics of what was happening. Shortly after I got off the phone with her, I started really feeling the contractions, and they were hurting so bad. I pushed the button to call the nurse in she came in and looked at the strip again, Did my temperature (103.01) and blood pressure (still 138/86) Still dangerously high and she went and got the doctor, He came in and did a internal and said I was 5cm dilated and still 50% effaced. Despite the meds, Looks like there was nothing they could do to get my contractions to stop and I may have no choice but to deliver. That even though I was given steroids there hadn't been enough time for them to be in my system to help there lungs mature. I was just kind of left alone to try and sink it all in what was happening.
A nurse would come in every half our or so and check on me, take my temperature, and my blood pressure check the strip, ask me if I needed anything, and then left me alone. I was in such a fog, I felt like I had someone else's glasses on and viewing there world, not mine. I spent a good portion of the day crying and praying and waiting for the inevitable to happen. I slept for a little while. I called Megan I think at like 1:30 to inform her she had no choice but to get a hold of her father, I wasn't coming home, and although I felt comfortable that she could run the house and the kids no problem, That I didn't want to be turned in for child abuse or something for leaving them home by themselves. He has no choice in the matter unless he wanted to loose his girls as well.
Around 4ish I think maybe 4:30 the contractions hit twice as hard. I could no longer rest comfortably. The nurse came in, re-did her routine with the temperature, blood pressure, and checked me internally, 6cm dilated and still 50% effaced. They did another ultrasound and it was confirmed that both waters have ruptured. I was offered something to speed up the delivery, Pictocin, I have been on that once, I hated it. I asked was there a need to speed it up since there was nothing they could do to save the babies. She said it just helps the parents cope. I said don't bother. Doesn't matter if it happens fast or slow, I am gonna feel like shit just the same!
They told me what was going to happen during labor, and once again left me alone again, except for being checked. Lindsey's mom and I sat and talked for hours on everything that was going on. I thanked her a million times over for staying with me. She left to get me something to eat around 7:30, as I was finally hungry enough to eat something, and all I wanted was ice cream. She came back around 8, thought she had gotten lost!
About 8:30, Hubby walks in the room, I was totally shocked! I knew he had to know, I asked Megan to contact her father so the girls could go over there. I never thought I was seeing him there! Lindsey's mom gave me a hug and a kiss, told me she would be in the waiting room if she needed me that she wouldn't leave; she had been here this long she isn't going to leave. Hubby
Said he would stay if she wanted to go. She said she would like to wait, so she took off to the waiting room. We talked for a while and then he just sat next to me while I delt with the contractions as they were getting worse. I finally paged the nurse to come back and check me out again. 10cm dilated and almost fully effaced, I was hurting so bad. Nurse said she would be back with supplies and will get the doctors.
By 9:30 I was ready to push, I was terrified! I asked if Lindsey's mom could come in the room and be with me too, so the doctor sent a nurse off to go and get her. Miss Kataya Ambra was born at 9:48pm, 6.5 inches and 9 ounces. She never made a peep. Miss Gabriella Noelle was born at 10:30pm 4.16 inches and 7 ounces; she didn't make a peep either. Baby C â€“ I never named as he/she passed away so early on. On a person level, I choose not to view Baby C. No heroic measures where taken to try and save them, they were simply born too early into this world, 20 weeks to soon. I got to hold them as long as I wanted. No one thought to grab cameras so I have a few poloriods that the hospital took that I am going to try and see if I can find to scan the for me when I am ready
My blood pressure has dropped already, and will be monitared for that now every 2 weeks to make sure that doesn't jump. They said it was pregnancy induced, I have never had any problems before now. This has all been such a nightmare. A different nurse came in and told me all the things may happen in a few days, Like my milk comming in and how depression will sink in, and how long the bleeding will last, I told the nurse, I am not a first time mother. These were my 5th and 6th child. She apologized, She had just gotten to work and was just told to come inform me of the Post Pardom, Told her I was fine with my milk comming in. I have a 15 month at home who I had to wean cold turkey and she will be more then happy to start nursing again if there is something there.