I wanted to write you a letter on today, your expected due date. I remember when I got that first positive pregnancy test and knew you were growing inside of me. Daddy and I had been trying to have a baby for so long and you brought us so much joy by your presence inside of me. We had so many dreams for you and loved to talk about you. I felt comfort in knowing that even when I was around nobody else I was not alone because you were growing inside of me.
Your Grandparents were very excited too and so were the rest of our families. When you were still growing inside of me we went to Minnesota and visited your Grandma, your Great Grandparents, and a bunch of other family because my Great Aunt Agnes had died. I now look at that time as such a blessing, like God knew we needed something to bring us all together while you were still growing. It was the only time you were around those family members but they were so excited. My Mom laughed at my nausea and my Grandparents were amazed that you were growing inside of me.
When we got back from Minnesota, I started bleeding and at first we thought I had a miscarriage and that you had already gone home to Jesus. But, a few weeks later we found out that you were growing in my tube and were still with us. I had to make the hardest decision of my life for both of us when we found that out. If you had continued to grow there we would have both died a painful death. So, I had to choose to take the methotrexate so that you would die a less painful death and I could live here to be with Daddy. It was the hardest time of my life knowing you were in there suffering and there was nothing I could do to save you. I hope you know and understand how much I love you. Back then and today I want you to know that more than anything. Daddy and I love you So very much and we miss you alot. We still pray for you every night and hope that you are having a good time up in heaven with my Great Aunt Agnes, Allen's Grandma, my Grandma,m and all the other family you have up there to surround you. More than that, we hope you are being held by Jesus. One day we will meet you and be able to hold you and please remember that is something that we look forward to when the time is right.
When you first went home to Jesus, Daddy and I found it hard to live our lives but our comfort came in knowing that all you ever knew was the love of my womb and the love of God. We have found ways to begin healing. We had a memorial service for you and I made a bracelet and a bookmark to remember you by. We created a memory box for you with my pregnancy tests, hospital bracelets, a teddy bear, and some booties that we wanted to give you. We gave you the name "Grace," to symbolize God's grace.
You are the most Christ like person I have ever met. In your death you gave me life. You saved my life! I wish that you could have lived too but I can never say enough thanks to you for the gift of life that you gave me. I will always look up to you and remember the selfless gift that you gave me. I only wish that my body hadn't failed you and that it had been able to sustain you while you grew. For that, I am so very sorry.
This past January, Daddy and I had our anniversary and it was an amazing time. It was then that we decided that it was okay to really live again and for the first time in months we started to enjoy life again. We felt alive again and so very happy. We knew that you would want us to live a happy life and finally we felt able to do that again.
Two weeks later, Daddy and I found out that I was pregnant again! At first, we were scared that your little brother might be in my tube too but we were so happy when we found out that he was in my uterus. I was sick and scared in the beginning of this pregnancy and I stayed in bed most of the time. But, I am feeling so much better now, enjoying being pregnant, and enjoying life again. We found out a couple of weeks ago that this is a baby boy and we are naming him William Allen after your Daddy. We want you to know today that you have a little brother! Of course, up there in heaven, I'm sure you know that and have been looking down over us all along, but I wanted the chance to also tell you myself.
I also wanted to let you know that I finished graduate school. I thought about you that day and as I was getting my diploma and I want to thank you for being part of my journey, part of what helped me to make it there.
Today on your EDD, I find myself missing you more than ever. Of course, I wish that I could hold you today. I imagine what it would be like to be in labor with you and then to see your little face. I wish that I could have those experiences and I wanted you to know that I remember today. I will never forget! I wish that I could have both you and Will with me at the same time, in my arms. But, I know that you are in a better place and that your spirit is with us and we are all together as one family, even as you are in heaven.
This afternoon, Daddy and I are going to the doctor for our 20 week check-up with Will. It is going to be a big appointment and we want to invite you to join us. We want you to feel like you are a part of this pregnancy too and that you are an important member of our family. So Grace, we would be honored if you would be at the doctor's office with us today too, and anytime you want to be throughout the rest of this pregnancy and forever. We really hope that you'll be able to see when your little brother, Will, is born. He is so lucky to have a big sister like you.
Today on your EDD, I want you to know that we love you. We miss you. We remember you, and we hold you close to our hearts.
I love you so much, more than you will ever know. Hugs and kisses ... :bigarmhug: