Deciding not to try again? (child ment)

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squirlyj's picture
Last seen: 7 years 6 months ago
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Deciding not to try again? (child ment)

Anyone else thinking of not trying again? I have one DD, and DH really wants two children, but he obviously has no idea what I have been through to give him the four babies we have had. I don't want to go through it all again, and, quite honestly, I pretty happy with the child we already have.

DH's brother just had a baby and DH is wanting to go over there all the time. The whole family is fawning over this new child and it just makes me so sad not to have my children with me.

I just would like to make a firm decision to not try again so I can move on with my life and stop being stuck in this 'uncertainty zone'. You know, is it going to happen? When will it happen? What will happen? I'm so sick of it all. My life would be so much better without it. But will I regret it later? Or will I always feel that I made the best decision for me?

I was going to give it another go just for DH, but with him being such an insensitive butthole over his brother's new baby, I'm feeling like I should tell him to shove-it and take care of my own feelings. He obviously has no understanding of what I've been through.

Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I think you should really take a little while before you make a firm decision on this, because you may decide that you want to try again in a few months. Or would you or your husband be open to adoption? There are lots of babies out there that need homes.

Im not sure what the right answer is for your family but I hope that you can come to a decision that makes you both happy.
Big hugs!

shellyhudson's picture
Last seen: 6 years 3 months ago
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I have not read the other responses, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

First, please give yourself time to heal. Loss is something that we do not just "get over".
Second, I think that you need to have a long heart-to-heart with your husband. Men can do things without realizing the depth of the impact that it has on those around them. He may not even realize how deeply his actions are hurting you.

If you are done with TTC, then that is the path you need to follow. You have to do what is best for you to be able to be a good person, wife, and mother. As women we have been taught to always put everyone else first. Because of this, guilt ensues when we even just think of putting ourself first.

THere is no room for not taking care of ourselves anymore. I wish you all the best sweetheart.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Last seen: 2 months 2 weeks ago
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 674


You'll know when you're done.

My sister would love 2 more kids but after 4 m/c's, 1 stillbirth and 1 l/c with major medical needs she knows that it just isn't worth it to put herself (and the rest of the family) through another very stressful pregnancy.

I knew after my 2nd l/c was born. I do regret doing something permant sometimes(usually when around little babies) but i know it was the right choice.

Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Advice from a Great Psychologist I know (preg & child ment)

The responses above really hit the nail on the head, I think.

Losing a baby is hard on men too, but they usually don't show it as much as we do. DH & I survived 4 m/c's and are still very happily married. Yet I was so pissed off at him at first -- I didn't think he was grieving at all, because there I was (in shock, racking sobs....) and he didn't share a tear. Luckily I ran this past a renowned clinical psychologist, and she enlightened me. Please let me share 4 pearls of her wisdom with you:

Pearl 1: Women tend to bond with their babies from the moment we learn we're pregnant, but men don't tend to bond until (at the earliest) they feel the baby kick / see the baby via ultrasound, or (at the latest) the moment their child is born.

Pearl 2: Men tend to grieve differently than women. Please read here for more information -- it's fascinating. My DH said the "Flute Player" story really reflects his grieving process.

Pearl 3: Please be gentle with yourself and your DH -- try to see things from his perspective. Losing a baby can either strengthen a relationship (as incredibly tragic as the loss is), or cause a rift in the relationship. It's "either/or" I'm afraid, because the relationship is never quite the same again after a loss -- it's altered.

Pearl 4: If you can show him that you understand things from his perspective (perhaps show him the website on male grief), then the channel is open to talking about the decision you and your DH will make. You see, if you show him you understand, he'll likely realize that your experience of loss could be very different from yours. This lays the foundation for an easier discussion.

That's the advice she gave me! I did everything she suggested, and it all worked out well. I hope the same will happen for you.

Back to your question, DH and I decided to stop TTC by mutual decision. Now a big part of this is that we're a bit older (I was 41 when I had my last m/c). But we also considered the fact that people often get pregnant when they're NOT TTC. So we decided to just live 'naturally': and that if we DO get pregnant again, well that would be so lovely; but if we don't, we accept that this was what fate had in store for us. In our relationship, it was the opposite: DH was content with our l/c's and happy whether or not we had anymore: whether or not to have anymore. But I desperately wanted 'just one more' baby for a long time. It took me time to accept life on life's terms, and to remember to be grateful for the children I have (one by our marriage, and my lovely stepdaughter). This took a while, and it was a real struggle for me to let this dream go. This might be what's happening for your DH too.

I hope this helps, and doesn't sound like I'm telling you what to do (because it's not my business!! And this is not my intention). I can just relate so much, and hope my experience (and my mother-in-law's words) might be helpful. I wish you the best of luck, and have my fingers crossed for you.