Deeply sad

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lippy_woman's picture
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Deeply sad

Everything has been fine. I've had no problems with this pregnancy. Except that there is no baby. Only a lonely 8 week sac. I wondered why I never really felt... connected. I kept feeling like something would go wrong, and I would keep checking for blood, just in case. I thought I was just being paranoid. Maybe I knew all along?

Initially, we thought this was a phantom pregnancy. That term scared me so badly - how could I just trick myself into thinking I was pregnant?? I had seven positive urine tests - SEVEN! And a positive blood test, not to mention all the symptoms that come with being pregnant. I've been doing everything right, taking my folic every day, avoiding deli meats and soft cheeses, getting heaps of sleep, making sure I didn't lift anything too heavy... And now there is no baby. Worse - there never really was. It just... never grew. I have a sac and a collection of cells growing inside me with no signs of wanting to come out. I just want it out, I want it out NOW, I wanted it out last night when the sonographer informed me the sac was bigger but it was empty. Just a black hole on the screen. I feel so bitter and angry sometimes, and I want to lash out at my partner - like it's his fault because he told everyone too early... I know it's not his fault. I haven't lashed out, and I know this is just grief. This sucks, though. It sucks so bad.

I have a doctor appointment in an hour - I know what he's going to tell me. I want to get this over with as soon as I can. This isn't going to stop me from having a child - I will have one. If anything, I'm more determined than ever. And finally, so is my partner. We're finally on the same page, and we're heading in the same direction. I didn't know how much he was looking forward to be father, because he always seemed so reluctant. Maybe this is just what he needed to wake up? Seems a cruel way to teach someone something.

Anyway. I'm not as bitter as all this makes out. I'm just... deeply, deeply ... sad. I'm sad. Not even disappointed anymore, just sad. It just doesn't seem right that things like this should happen. But they do, and I just have to move past it.

Thank you for letting me have the opportunity to spill this all out. I know I'm not alone in this loss, and that makes me feel just that little bit better.

-Miranda

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Dear Miranda,

I am SO sorry for your loss. I've also m/c'd the same awful, "empty" way -- also after having treated my body like absolute gold, like you did. It's a horrible, traumatic experience and I'm glad you have reached out to us. We all understand, and we truly care about you.

You mentioned a couple of times that you want the sac "out now" -- I remember waiting to m/c too. The waiting was just as horrible -- a constant reminder of my loss. It's a very personal decision, but you might want to have a D & C -- they're actually very gentle procedures, and so quickly & commonly done. As soon as I knew for sure that we had lost our angel baby, I elected for a D & C, so that I could start to close this chapter of my life.

But it is totally your decision, and I respect that. I can only share with you my own experiences and decisions. But having a D & C was the right decision for me, and I had no complications from it at all.

We're all here for you, Miranda, and we're going to help you through this.

Love,
Nicole

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So sorry for your loss Miranda. I can totally relate, just having gone through a D&C 2.5 weeks ago. I waited to m/c for THREE weeks and I tell you that was the longest, most horrible 3 weeks of my life. I thought I could handle waiting to m/c naturally, but it was pure torture. I didn't realize how hard it was on me at the time, but looking back I don't know how I made it through that.

Know that YOU didn't do anything wrong though. You did everything RIGHT! At the same time, it's hard not to feel guilty though and second-guess everything, I know I go through that.

And "deeply" sad is exactly how I feel, unlike any other sadness I've had, this is not easy. But hang in there, we're here for you!

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I'm sorry. You did nothing wrong to deserve this, it was not your fault.

tina_haley_n_beanz_mommy's picture
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:bighug:

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I am so very sorry for your loss Sad

I assume your doctor is saying that you had a BO?? (blighted ovum) If this is the case...I just wanted to pass on some info that you may be unaware of..

A blighted ovum is a pregnancy in which the placenta develops but no fetus is visible on ultrasound. The fact that transvaginal ultrasound did not show an embryo at eight weeks must be viewed with caution. If the ultrasound had been performed earlier -- say, at four to six weeks -- it's very likely that either the fetus or yolk sac may have been seen.

http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/conception-no-fetus-blighted-ovum.html

I hope that the above helps in some way :bighug:

I don't know if you have had a D&C yet....But if not, have your doc double check via ultrasound again...BO can be misdiagnosed...Sometimes, baby shows up a bit later for one reason or another...

Not trying to give false hope....as I have had a BO...I just know of cases where the doctors have been wrong.

KUP on how all is going...

Marie

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"mom@41" wrote:

I am so very sorry for your loss Sad

I assume your doctor is saying that you had a BO?? (blighted ovum) If this is the case...I just wanted to pass on some info that you may be unaware of..

A blighted ovum is a pregnancy in which the placenta develops but no fetus is visible on ultrasound. The fact that transvaginal ultrasound did not show an embryo at eight weeks must be viewed with caution. If the ultrasound had been performed earlier -- say, at four to six weeks -- it's very likely that either the fetus or yolk sac may have been seen.

http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/conception-no-fetus-blighted-ovum.html

I hope that the above helps in some way :bighug:

I don't know if you have had a D&C yet....But if not, have your doc double check via ultrasound again...BO can be misdiagnosed...Sometimes, baby shows up a bit later for one reason or another...

Not trying to give false hope....as I have had a BO...I just know of cases where the doctors have been wrong.

KUP on how all is going...

Marie

I'm going to have a D&C on the 1st of May - still almost a whole week away. I'm guessing the specialist will probably do another ultrasound, just to be sure (I hope), but... I don't feel any hope, really. I felt very insecure about this pregnancy from the get go, so maybe somewhere inside, I knew something was wrong.
Yes, my doctor did say blighted ovum (only after I asked). He told me nothing about it, so I've had to research to find out what the hell it is. I'm not very impressed - and rest assured, he won't be my doctor again.
I don't really think it was a misdiagnosis - the sonographer was very thorough, he did an outside scan and an inside one - nothing. I'm not sure that there was anything when I had my first one, either. I can't really remember - we just thought it was too early to see anything.

It just sucks because I'm still getting pregnancy symptoms, and there's still no bleeding. It hurts so much - every morning I wake up and have to remember there's no baby. I haven't had a lot of sleep. My boobs hurt worse than ever, too... none of this is fair. I hope this never happens again - I'm terrified it might happen again!
Still. I must count my blessings - my partner has really been wonderful and supportive. I seriously couldn't ask for better - I'm truly truly lucky. So that's something, at least.

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I am sorry for your loss!

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(preg ment)

Dear Miranda,

My fingers are crossed for you ! As Marie said, I also don't want to pass on false hope but...

Since you now said that you still 'feel pregnant' and there's no bleeding yet... well, anything is possible. Strange things happen in pregnancy -- for example, I have a cousin who spotted in each of her pregnancies, yet never suffered a loss.

It's your decision, but I would have another ultrasound done, if I were in your shoes.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Love,
Nicole

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:bighug: I am so sorry for you loss. Tori