Everything has been fine. I've had no problems with this pregnancy. Except that there is no baby. Only a lonely 8 week sac. I wondered why I never really felt... connected. I kept feeling like something would go wrong, and I would keep checking for blood, just in case. I thought I was just being paranoid. Maybe I knew all along?
Initially, we thought this was a phantom pregnancy. That term scared me so badly - how could I just trick myself into thinking I was pregnant?? I had seven positive urine tests - SEVEN! And a positive blood test, not to mention all the symptoms that come with being pregnant. I've been doing everything right, taking my folic every day, avoiding deli meats and soft cheeses, getting heaps of sleep, making sure I didn't lift anything too heavy... And now there is no baby. Worse - there never really was. It just... never grew. I have a sac and a collection of cells growing inside me with no signs of wanting to come out. I just want it out, I want it out NOW, I wanted it out last night when the sonographer informed me the sac was bigger but it was empty. Just a black hole on the screen. I feel so bitter and angry sometimes, and I want to lash out at my partner - like it's his fault because he told everyone too early... I know it's not his fault. I haven't lashed out, and I know this is just grief. This sucks, though. It sucks so bad.
I have a doctor appointment in an hour - I know what he's going to tell me. I want to get this over with as soon as I can. This isn't going to stop me from having a child - I will have one. If anything, I'm more determined than ever. And finally, so is my partner. We're finally on the same page, and we're heading in the same direction. I didn't know how much he was looking forward to be father, because he always seemed so reluctant. Maybe this is just what he needed to wake up? Seems a cruel way to teach someone something.
Anyway. I'm not as bitter as all this makes out. I'm just... deeply, deeply ... sad. I'm sad. Not even disappointed anymore, just sad. It just doesn't seem right that things like this should happen. But they do, and I just have to move past it.
Thank you for letting me have the opportunity to spill this all out. I know I'm not alone in this loss, and that makes me feel just that little bit better.