Does your husband mourn with you?

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Joined: 06/11/07
Posts: 19
Does your husband mourn with you?

My husband was in shock as much as I was last week when we delivered our baby boy at 13.5 weeks. Now life goes on for him while I cry at night. He said he hasn't dealt with it yet in his own way and needs time to. But how can he listen to me cry so much and ask "what's wrong" when he knows what's wrong?

This is a man who cried when he lost someone, when he broke up with someone, cried during a movie. Then didn't cry when we married, when we renewed our vows, when our daughter was born.

Are you ladies having a hard time connecting with your husbands now that you have experienced a loss or am I alone in this one?

Anne

edited by uropachild to remove signature

Joined: 04/29/07
Posts: 209

First of all im so sorry about your loss. :bigarmhug: my fiance dosen't show much emotion either. I was literally in tears during my u/s when i found out their was no heart beat and he didn't shed one tear. I mean i know it very upsetting for him but i just wish he would show me some emotion. All i could do was cry for the first 3 days after i found out i had lost they baby. I guess most men just dont mourn the same way women do. Pm me if you need anything!!

OneLuckyLady's picture
Joined: 04/12/07
Posts: 129

My husband grieves in his own way. I cry over the simplest reminder. He gets a heartbroken look on his face. I think for the men maybe they feel like they are left out b/c we are the ones who have to endure the physical aspect of it. So, I sat him down and told him that he had every right to grieve too. That it was our baby that was lost. I also think they feel like they have to be strong for us. Just some thoughts. I am a big believer in keeping the communication lines open even if you have o use a crow bar.

Joined: 06/11/07
Posts: 19

I would have thought he would have felt more, you know? He saw the baby too after it was born. He experienced the same things I did that night, saw the same things. Why do I feel like I need to speak to a therapist about it, but he doesn't? It's just a very strange situation and disconnecting. It's good to know he isn't out of the norm, but at the same time I wish he would at least hug me when I cry. He just puts his hand on my hip and goes to sleep.

edited by uropachild to remove signature

Joined: 05/02/07
Posts: 46

First off I am very sorry! My dh handled it very differently than I did! He even went fishing the day I was actually losing our baby at home!! He would also ask whats wrong and even told me 2 days after it happened that I needed to "get over it!" He always wanted to be gone! He was trying to stay busy! But he said something one day that helped me to make sense of how he was feeling he said "one of us has to be strong b/c if not our family will apart!" For some reason I dont think men feel like they have as much right to grieve a pregnancy loss! I also kind of understand why they feel like that too b/c people would blow right past him to tell ME sorry! It was like its his child too!! I might be wrong but thats just what I figured out for us! If you feel like you need help though I would move forward with that! Once again I am soo sorry! You and DH will be in my prayers!

ltc
Joined: 02/08/07
Posts: 5

I am so sorry for your loss. As the other women have stated men handle this differently. I had a miscarriage in January and then again in April and my husband never cried. I think the reason he distances himself from the miscarriages is he could not stop it or make me feel any better. I have found from my husband that he always wants to fix it and if he can not he does not know what to say. What is hard for me is that he is not sure he wants anymore children, we already have 2 and I desperately want a 3rd.

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

MY DH grieves and he cries and sometimes we cry together. It's getting less and less frequent as time goes on, but i think that's because our grief is moving on.

Men do deal with things like this in a totally different way to us. I am sure he is upset, but maybe he feels liek he has to be strong for you?

:bighug:

aotus76's picture
Joined: 10/01/05
Posts: 170

I agree that maybe he feels he has to be strong for you. My husband was much more affected by the m/c than I would have expected. He's sometimes quiet about it, so I didn't realize all the hopes and dreams he already had for this potential child. He had to leave on a business trip the day after the u/s (he'll be home tonight to take me to the D&C tomorrow), so it has given us time to grieve individually. I know he has gone on line to try to see how best to help me deal with the loss, he approaches me very gingerly over the phone now, because he doesn't want to say the 'wrong' thing.

Men sometimes are hesitant to show too much emotion. He may be bottling it up or shuttling it to the side. He also may be dealing with the fact that the m/c made him feel so out of control, and he is compensating by being overly in control of his emotions now?

barto9729's picture
Joined: 03/23/07
Posts: 16

My DH cried and grieved right away and got it all out of his system. Then a week later when i was still having a hard time, he kept asking "Whats wrong", which made me upset.

Everyone grieves differently, but it is best to be open and talk to each other about it. Let him know how you feel.

Joined: 06/11/07
Posts: 19

I'm glad I'm not alone here on this one. Well, at least on the boards I'm not. At home it feels like I am doing it all alone and I am more and more feeling a vast disconnect from my husband. I know things like this have a tendancy to either bring a couple closer or tear them apart. At first it brought us together, and now it's quickly pushing us apart.

Joined: 02/20/06
Posts: 8

I am so sorry for your loss...remember everyone grieves differently. Chad and I both grieved our loss, and still do over a year later, but it's different now- the hurt isn't as sharp. It is hard to explain, but it will get better with time, and know it is ok to greive, and it is ok to cry, and noone else has to understand.((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

I have also read somewhere that a loss can either make or break a couple. Luckily for us it strengthened our relationship. But i must admit that i had to make an effort not to turn away from him and grieve on my own. I dont open up very easily to people and that includes DH, so it wasnt a natural thing for me to be able to cry on his shoulder.

Do you think that your husband would react okay if you told him how you were feeling? I guess even if he is feeling very different to you he could still learn to be sympathetic to how you grieve and learn to be there for you. Perhaps he needs you to tell him that you need him? Maybe that will help him feel like his grief has a purpose in helping you and getting through it together.

Joined: 06/11/07
Posts: 19

Good ideas. He mentioned that he is grieving differently and when I asked "are you supposed to grieve apart then?" he admitted it might be a good idea. I just feel a lot of resentment brewing now. We were so close and now I feel like packing up and going.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

DH grieved very differently from I. I would scream and cry and let my grief be known to the world. But DH sat quietly in the back room and burried himself in his computer.

We don't talk about it now. Even now we grieve separately. But I know he still feels it. He carries Angel's wrist rattle with him in the car.

_____________________

Jessa_2213's picture
Joined: 11/13/06
Posts: 129

I'm so so sorry for your loss. :bighug:

Men just grieve differently. I couldn't explain it if I had to....
Its just easier for them to say "what's wrong" than "I'm sorry". My SO always asked "what's wrong" when I was crying, even though it would always be the same answer. Eventually he actually got mad at me for always answering the same and told me to "get over it". I didn't even want him to cry too, or be sorry... because I knew he wasn't. I just wanted him to let me be.
I'm really sorry that you're having to go through this... but glad that you found us here. This board and all the wonderfully sympathetic ladies on it helped me sooo much with the grieving and healing process. I can actually think and talk about my angel now without crying. It gets better... I promise.

:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

monkeycat's picture
Joined: 07/21/06
Posts: 132

First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. No one should ever have to experience that. Just as all pregnancies are different, each loss is different, and everyone grieves differently. For DH and I, he didn't let it affect him until about three months after. He felt he had to be strong for me while I lost my mind. Once I got to the point were I could talk about our baby without breaking down, he finally let himself start to feel. It took him longer to deal with it - it's been almost a year and he's just now starting to recover - than it did for me. I tried to force him to deal with it sooner, and he just wasn't ready. Maybe suggesting writing a letter to the baby will help him to feel and deal with the pain he's not admitting to. But maybe it won't. I suggested that and DH didn't want any part of it - he just wasn't ready. As frustrating as it is to feel like you can't lean on your DH, you may have to turn to people like the wonderful ladies on this board, and when your DH is ready, you'll be there to help him through. Men don't seem to have the same resources as we do to deal with these things - I haven't seen too many men on this board, although I'm sure there are some - so I think it takes them longer. And for my DH, he felt like it was his fault - he's the one with infertility issues, and I think it made him feel like a failure that he didn't help create a baby that would have an independent life in this world. In the end, what brought us through and brought us closer was thinking about how blessed we were to have created a life, to have seen a heart beating, to have loved a child that we created together, because some people never get to experience even that. I've seen losses that have torn couples apart, and others that brought couples closer together. I had to get past what we lost and realize what we gained, even for such a short time, and that was the turning point for me and eventually for DH. Sorry for the novel - I've been up for 26 hours and I'm a little punchy, but hopefully something in there will help somebody.
Carolyn

Joined: 06/03/07
Posts: 623

I am so sorry for your loss.

As others have said, everyone grieves differently. Maybe your husband can't handle it and is keeping his distance. Or, it might not have been as real to him as it was for you. He didn't go through the same experience as you, no matter how attached he may be. He didn't have the baby in him, growing as a part of him, with hormones and changes every day.

I just had my 2nd m/c. My husband isn't grieving at all. I finally asked him the other day if he even knew what the due date had been. Nope. He said that he hadn't been thinking that far ahead (not because he doesn't plan ahead - he's very detailed and organized - but because he knows that a problem might occur). He's very supportive and is caring for me, and says how sorry for me he is. But, the baby wasn't real to him. This initially upset me, but I'm fine now. I love him, and accept that we're on different wavelengths on this.

This board and group is wonderful - it's been a real resource and support place for me. We know what you're going through and are here for you.

Sapphire Sunsets's picture
Joined: 05/19/02
Posts: 672

:bighug:

It could be part of that mental "block" we all have. When we go through a loss or anything very traumatizing our minds try to protect us. It doesn't hit us and feel real till about 4 to 6 wks later.

I will be completely honest here. My loss of Zachary tore Mike and I apart. We went on different paths. I went to counseling and got myself on anti-depressants, while Mike did nothing but immerse himself in his work. He does regret it now. We talk about it now and he wishes he had done everything differently. I know a part of it was him wanting to protect me and not let me see him cry, but i needed that. I needed him to sit and talk with me then.....not now.

I can say the one huge thing that undid us was him choosing his l/c from a previous relationship over me when i had just delievered our son stillborn and then almost lost my life in an ER because of the infection that took him. I can't forgive him for that even though it's been 12 yrs.

Joined: 06/11/07
Posts: 19

Of all the posts I have ever made, including the one expressing my grief over the loss of my son, this post outranks it. To hear so many similar stories is both comforting and disturbing.

I was talking with someone yesterday who pointed out the difference between Americans and Europeans. How, Americans shut themselves down, and try to forget. Meanwhile, we (I am Greek) express ourselves on every level more. Whether it is loss or passion of live or love, we are more open. In America's society there is a need to raise children (boys) as "men". By the time these boys are 3 they are told to suck it up and get over it.

I beg of you, those who have boys right now - don't do this. Let them cry and comfort them, or they will grow up assuming it is unnatural to cry. Look at our men right now, look at how they can't cry and they shut themselves off to it all. My brothers were not told to stop crying, and they cry now with their wives and know how to comfort themselves.

It's very sad to think my husband is burdened with sadness and doesn't know to let it out now. I see it in all of your posts - it is unfair to them. And it is unfair to small children to make them "tough it up".

Anne

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

My husband and I are definitely grieving differently. He never cried and went about things like nothing ever happened, while I layed on the couch for 3 days straight crying. I am doing better, but still have my moments. We still really haven't talked about losing the baby that much, but I'm hoping we get a chance this weekend. I'm hoping it does end up bringing us closer.

edited by uropachild to remove signature

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

My husband and I are definitely grieving differently. He never cried and went about things like nothing ever happened, while I layed on the couch for 3 days straight crying. I am doing better, but still have my moments. We still really haven't talked about losing the baby that much, but I'm hoping we get a chance this weekend. I'm hoping it does end up bringing us closer.

edited by uropachild to remove signature

Joined: 06/11/07
Posts: 19

Sorry for your loss Sad I want to say it will get better but I am in the same boat right now. Cry as much as you need to - it's ok.