Does your husband mourn with you?
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Thread: Does your husband mourn with you?

  1. #1
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    Default Does your husband mourn with you?

    My husband was in shock as much as I was last week when we delivered our baby boy at 13.5 weeks. Now life goes on for him while I cry at night. He said he hasn't dealt with it yet in his own way and needs time to. But how can he listen to me cry so much and ask "what's wrong" when he knows what's wrong?

    This is a man who cried when he lost someone, when he broke up with someone, cried during a movie. Then didn't cry when we married, when we renewed our vows, when our daughter was born.

    Are you ladies having a hard time connecting with your husbands now that you have experienced a loss or am I alone in this one?

    Anne


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    First of all im so sorry about your loss. my fiance dosen't show much emotion either. I was literally in tears during my u/s when i found out their was no heart beat and he didn't shed one tear. I mean i know it very upsetting for him but i just wish he would show me some emotion. All i could do was cry for the first 3 days after i found out i had lost they baby. I guess most men just dont mourn the same way women do. Pm me if you need anything!!

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    Mega Poster OneLuckyLady's Avatar
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    My husband grieves in his own way. I cry over the simplest reminder. He gets a heartbroken look on his face. I think for the men maybe they feel like they are left out b/c we are the ones who have to endure the physical aspect of it. So, I sat him down and told him that he had every right to grieve too. That it was our baby that was lost. I also think they feel like they have to be strong for us. Just some thoughts. I am a big believer in keeping the communication lines open even if you have o use a crow bar.

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    I would have thought he would have felt more, you know? He saw the baby too after it was born. He experienced the same things I did that night, saw the same things. Why do I feel like I need to speak to a therapist about it, but he doesn't? It's just a very strange situation and disconnecting. It's good to know he isn't out of the norm, but at the same time I wish he would at least hug me when I cry. He just puts his hand on my hip and goes to sleep.


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    First off I am very sorry! My dh handled it very differently than I did! He even went fishing the day I was actually losing our baby at home!! He would also ask whats wrong and even told me 2 days after it happened that I needed to "get over it!" He always wanted to be gone! He was trying to stay busy! But he said something one day that helped me to make sense of how he was feeling he said "one of us has to be strong b/c if not our family will apart!" For some reason I dont think men feel like they have as much right to grieve a pregnancy loss! I also kind of understand why they feel like that too b/c people would blow right past him to tell ME sorry! It was like its his child too!! I might be wrong but thats just what I figured out for us! If you feel like you need help though I would move forward with that! Once again I am soo sorry! You and DH will be in my prayers!

  6. #6
    ltc
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    I am so sorry for your loss. As the other women have stated men handle this differently. I had a miscarriage in January and then again in April and my husband never cried. I think the reason he distances himself from the miscarriages is he could not stop it or make me feel any better. I have found from my husband that he always wants to fix it and if he can not he does not know what to say. What is hard for me is that he is not sure he wants anymore children, we already have 2 and I desperately want a 3rd.

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    Posting Addict Uropachild's Avatar
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    MY DH grieves and he cries and sometimes we cry together. It's getting less and less frequent as time goes on, but i think that's because our grief is moving on.

    Men do deal with things like this in a totally different way to us. I am sure he is upset, but maybe he feels liek he has to be strong for you?


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    Mega Poster aotus76's Avatar
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    I agree that maybe he feels he has to be strong for you. My husband was much more affected by the m/c than I would have expected. He's sometimes quiet about it, so I didn't realize all the hopes and dreams he already had for this potential child. He had to leave on a business trip the day after the u/s (he'll be home tonight to take me to the D&C tomorrow), so it has given us time to grieve individually. I know he has gone on line to try to see how best to help me deal with the loss, he approaches me very gingerly over the phone now, because he doesn't want to say the 'wrong' thing.

    Men sometimes are hesitant to show too much emotion. He may be bottling it up or shuttling it to the side. He also may be dealing with the fact that the m/c made him feel so out of control, and he is compensating by being overly in control of his emotions now?

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    Prolific Poster barto9729's Avatar
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    My DH cried and grieved right away and got it all out of his system. Then a week later when i was still having a hard time, he kept asking "Whats wrong", which made me upset.

    Everyone grieves differently, but it is best to be open and talk to each other about it. Let him know how you feel.

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    I'm glad I'm not alone here on this one. Well, at least on the boards I'm not. At home it feels like I am doing it all alone and I am more and more feeling a vast disconnect from my husband. I know things like this have a tendancy to either bring a couple closer or tear them apart. At first it brought us together, and now it's quickly pushing us apart.

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