So DSO ships out tomorrow... he'll be gone for six months. (which kills me because that means no chance to ttc...so I won't be pg for Liam's 1 year angel day, I won't even be pg for Alana's EDD... it kills all chance of a '08 baby). Anyway, we threw a little going away party for him last night. Lots of his friends came... we just had some drinks and hung out. It was a pretty good time (minus a few episodes where I could have murdered him for being embarrassing or breaking things).
So my sister came and she brought her baby...not a big thing usually, he's a happy smiley little chunk of a baby. The kid thats always in a great mood, but not much of a snuggly baby. Well last night he wanted to be the snuggley baby and go to sleep... so I ended up taking him into the bedroom, and rocking him and singing....
That's when I really miss it the most...when I miss them and everything I'll never have for myself... Cause he's just laying there in my arms, looking up at me with him big brown eyes, as cute as can be and so sweet... and I just realize that this is something I'll never get to do with them. Its so bittersweet... because I never get to with a baby that's mine... its just not the same.
And I don't know how I can love someone so much that I never even met....
I got him to go to sleep last night... no one's ever done that, he'll only go to sleep for my sister and never without nursing. But he went to sleep for me... and it just made me miss everything so much more.
I'm just so lost right now. I hate that everything is coming at me at once and I don't even know what to handle first. ...I mean... we moved to a new place, and then Alana died, I got fired from my job... DSO is shipping out tomorrow. On top of everything... Friday night I got AF, and I was so desperately hoping to be pregnant this cycle, because we don't have another chance for a 2008 baby... but more than that it was solid proof that Alana is really gone, she's not coming back and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It didn't seem real until that moment... it all seemed like a dream, like I floated through it but it didn't happen. I think I slept for about a week... I was so sick, so depressed...but I don't remember that week... I feel like I barely remember her, so days I'll still wake up and think I'm pregnant... it really kills me inside when I'll be lying with DSO and he'll hug or cuddle me, but he'll put his hand low on my stomach... like he's thinking about it, or like he forgot... or even like he's trying to hug her....... stupid thought, I guess, to hug a baby that's not there. Silly me.
Its been a month...one month and I don't know where that month went. I should be 13wks and 2 days today.... we should be kissing DSO goodbye and counting the days until he comes back to us, until we can be a happy family, I should be sending him pictures of my growing tummy, of the little baby inside.... but now there are no pictures. Now there is no happiness, I don't know what I'm going to send pictures of now, how I'm going to write encouraging letters, to be optimistic for him... when I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning.
Today I should be trying to feel her kick... or thinking of names...picking out pink dresses or.... I don't know... anything. Anything but this.
I hate this hopelessness. I hate this emptyness. I hate the sadness and the anger. I hate being so helpless. I'm not in control of my life, of what happens in it anymore... I'm spinning wildly out of control..... and I don't even want to do anything about it. Because its so hard for me to care about anything right now...
As long as this is...these still aren't words enough for what I feel, I don't think I'd ever be able to explain it to someone who hasn't felt it. And to someone who has...there are no words necessary.
Sometimes I just want to curl up in a little ball on the floor and cry...just cry until I can stop thinking. And sometimes I just want to run, I feel like I need to run and not stop until I can get away from it...but I know there is no where far enough away to get away from myself, there's no where I can hide from my own thoughts. Its such a horrible feeling...to be so helpless...
I wish there was a magic button I could push that would fix everything. I wish there was someone who could say the magic words and it would be all better. I wish there was anything that could fix this but time.
Mommy to 2 angels
Liam @12wks 2days
Alana @ 9wks 2days