DSO leaving...child ment...sad little vent

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Jessa_2213's picture
Joined: 11/13/06
Posts: 129
DSO leaving...child ment...sad little vent

So DSO ships out tomorrow... he'll be gone for six months. (which kills me because that means no chance to ttc...so I won't be pg for Liam's 1 year angel day, I won't even be pg for Alana's EDD... it kills all chance of a '08 baby). Anyway, we threw a little going away party for him last night. Lots of his friends came... we just had some drinks and hung out. It was a pretty good time (minus a few episodes where I could have murdered him for being embarrassing or breaking things).
So my sister came and she brought her baby...not a big thing usually, he's a happy smiley little chunk of a baby. The kid thats always in a great mood, but not much of a snuggly baby. Well last night he wanted to be the snuggley baby and go to sleep... so I ended up taking him into the bedroom, and rocking him and singing....
That's when I really miss it the most...when I miss them and everything I'll never have for myself... Cause he's just laying there in my arms, looking up at me with him big brown eyes, as cute as can be and so sweet... and I just realize that this is something I'll never get to do with them. Its so bittersweet... because I never get to with a baby that's mine... its just not the same.
And I don't know how I can love someone so much that I never even met....

I got him to go to sleep last night... no one's ever done that, he'll only go to sleep for my sister and never without nursing. But he went to sleep for me... and it just made me miss everything so much more.

I'm just so lost right now. I hate that everything is coming at me at once and I don't even know what to handle first. ...I mean... we moved to a new place, and then Alana died, I got fired from my job... DSO is shipping out tomorrow. On top of everything... Friday night I got AF, and I was so desperately hoping to be pregnant this cycle, because we don't have another chance for a 2008 baby... but more than that it was solid proof that Alana is really gone, she's not coming back and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It didn't seem real until that moment... it all seemed like a dream, like I floated through it but it didn't happen. I think I slept for about a week... I was so sick, so depressed...but I don't remember that week... I feel like I barely remember her, so days I'll still wake up and think I'm pregnant... it really kills me inside when I'll be lying with DSO and he'll hug or cuddle me, but he'll put his hand low on my stomach... like he's thinking about it, or like he forgot... or even like he's trying to hug her....... stupid thought, I guess, to hug a baby that's not there. Silly me.

Its been a month...one month and I don't know where that month went. I should be 13wks and 2 days today.... we should be kissing DSO goodbye and counting the days until he comes back to us, until we can be a happy family, I should be sending him pictures of my growing tummy, of the little baby inside.... but now there are no pictures. Now there is no happiness, I don't know what I'm going to send pictures of now, how I'm going to write encouraging letters, to be optimistic for him... when I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning.
Today I should be trying to feel her kick... or thinking of names...picking out pink dresses or.... I don't know... anything. Anything but this.

I hate this hopelessness. I hate this emptyness. I hate the sadness and the anger. I hate being so helpless. I'm not in control of my life, of what happens in it anymore... I'm spinning wildly out of control..... and I don't even want to do anything about it. Because its so hard for me to care about anything right now...

As long as this is...these still aren't words enough for what I feel, I don't think I'd ever be able to explain it to someone who hasn't felt it. And to someone who has...there are no words necessary.
Sometimes I just want to curl up in a little ball on the floor and cry...just cry until I can stop thinking. And sometimes I just want to run, I feel like I need to run and not stop until I can get away from it...but I know there is no where far enough away to get away from myself, there's no where I can hide from my own thoughts. Its such a horrible feeling...to be so helpless...

I wish there was a magic button I could push that would fix everything. I wish there was someone who could say the magic words and it would be all better. I wish there was anything that could fix this but time.

~Jessa~
Mommy to 2 angels
Liam @12wks 2days
Alana @ 9wks 2days

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

I wish there was something I could say that would take the pain away for you, but I know there isn't. I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. It brought tears to my eyes when you mentioned DSO putting his hands on your tummy and what you feel because the same thing happens here. It always catches me off guard a bit and I tense up, then he knows what I was thinking whether he already had been or not. And the running away, I feel that way sometimes too. Especially on days when it's pretty outside and I can see myself hiking up the mountain and just staying there, sitting, surrounded by Aspens and a breeze. You're in my thoughts, PM me if you need anything.

Amy

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry. It must feel like everything is coming down like a :fallingbricks:.
Have you spoken to anyone about your depression?

I know of another family ttc with a DH who ius deployed. They had frozen sperm before he left and are trying IUI while he is gone. Maybe that could be an option when he comes home on leave.

I'll be praying that he comes home safe, and soon. May God bless our :soldiers:.

sweetpetunia's picture
Joined: 08/31/06
Posts: 76

I'm sorry. Sad :bigarmhug:

Julie

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so very sorry for your grief. There are no "magic words" that I can give you. I truly wish there were. Deployment sucks. I know first hand as I am active duty Navy. I can only say that you really need to ease up on yourself. You are entitled to feel the way that you do. You have lost more than one child and the latest loss was only a month ago. I have good days and then I have days as you have described and it has been just over three months for me. Time is the only healer that I know of. I cannot imagine trying to deal with this kind of pain and adding a deployment to the mix. I wish you peace, strength, and serenity. shelly

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for your loss. There isn't a magic pill or button to make you feel better. You just have to take it one day at a time. I know that is easier said than done. I miscarried in June and I still have those horrible days...they do become fewer in between. You will always miss your little one and wonder what they would be like. I wish I could make all the pain for all of us just go away and give us healthy pregnancies and our angels but I can't and neither can you. You must take care of yourself physically and emotionally.
You can always come here to vent and talk. I know the words I am saying don't really help but please know you are not alone. We are here for you.

I am so sorry. ((((HUGS))))
I pray that we will all have peace and happiness someday soon.

Robin

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

:bighug:

I could have written much of that myself honey. So so sorry. Sad

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

Jessa
I am so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine the additional strain put on it by having your DSO deployed. Not only do you have the grief of yourchildren but he is not here to support you and like you said you need to be optimistic for him.

Please com here whenever you need to and feel free to PM me if you need to talk. We will all do what we can to support you so that you can stay positive for DSO. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you.

Antionette

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Hi I am sorry for your losses and yur love one deploying. I have loss three pregnancies in the last year and a half so I know how hard it can be. The wishful hopeful thinking. I have a couple of questions have you talked to someone about your feelings about the losses? It has helped me and I never knew I was suppressing these feelings deep down inside me. My second question is do you have a pet or thinking about getting a pet? I have two cats a girl named Annaliese and a boy cat named Snickers. They mean the world to me, and when my husband deploys or is at work they can give me a lot of company and they love showing tons of affection. My husband deploys in January till May and I am thankfull I have them with me at home. I want to wish you all the best in TTC when he gets back and maybe we can be on the same birth board together.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am sorry that you are going through all of this, especially with DSO leaving on deployment. Maybe having this time apart you can use to heal and get ready to TTC (if that's what you want). And I agree with Militarybaby about having pets--we have a cat and the 3 dogs and they are wonderful companions. I hope one day you will have a baby in your arms!

Jessa_2213's picture
Joined: 11/13/06
Posts: 129

actually its become a trend for me to get a new pet everytime a baby leaves us. My newest addition to my menagerie (and hopefully last, at least until our some-day-child starts asking for pets) is a kitten. we got her a couple weeks ago and he named her Faye. She is the cutest, sweetest, most adorable pet I could have ever imagined. Everything I ever wanted in a kitty and more. She purrs constantly, loves to sit on your lap... but also likes to play too. She's never mean or rough... she comes running to the door to greet me everytime I come home. She even likes to play hide and seek with me. Its so cute. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten though these last few weeks without her. I have no idea how I'd make it though the time he'll be gone if I didn't have her.
Pets really do make life so much better.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Cats and dogs have their way to make our cruddy days seem not so cruddy. Annaliese and Snickers always bring a smile or a little chuckle to my face when I feel sad or lonely when my husband is at work or deployed. They can make TTC and loss a lot more manageable and worth getting out of bed everyday if I have her or him snuggled in my lap or playing a game off toss the ball or mouse and bring it back to me. (They started it). It seems strange but I alwayd find it curious when they can sense a loss or a little one on the way and love giving you extra attention when you are down or scared. If you ever want to talk just PM me I am on a lot. Military wives I think have the hardest job in the military.

Miss Yvi's picture
Joined: 12/22/08
Posts: 100

Pets really are lovely things arent they?? I wouldn't get by without my chicka either. On those days when I just don't want to get out of bed, she comes in and pushes my hand and gives me kisses, even gently tugs my hand to make me get up. And she isnt a small girl either! she is a 5 year old rottweiler! haha so its a very rude awakening, but she always makes me laugh with her antics. And if that doesnt work and I really can't get up yet she lies by the bed or puts her head on my pillow and lets me just pat her and we go back to sleep together. I don't know what I would do without her. She has always been able to sense when somethings not right, and when I need her.

I just want to say to all the military wives, that I think you are so great for being strong enough to support your husbands and deal with their deployments etc. It must be so terrible. My DH works away, most of the time 4 weeks or so at a time, and I find it so hard to be away from him, especially in the hard times. And yet you ladies do it for months at a time! I really admire you.

People always say to me "I don't know how you do it!" - and I always answer "Well, at least he isnt in the armed forces!" I know we would make it and be ok if he had to go away, but I wouldnt wish such an absence from a loved one on anyone.

Good luck to all of you and I wish your husbands a speedy return home.