So DSO ships out tomorrow... he'll be gone for six months. (which kills me because that means no chance to ttc...so I won't be pg for Liam's 1 year angel day, I won't even be pg for Alana's EDD... it kills all chance of a '08 baby). Anyway, we threw a little going away party for him last night. Lots of his friends came... we just had some drinks and hung out. It was a pretty good time (minus a few episodes where I could have murdered him for being embarrassing or breaking things).
So my sister came and she brought her baby...not a big thing usually, he's a happy smiley little chunk of a baby. The kid thats always in a great mood, but not much of a snuggly baby. Well last night he wanted to be the snuggley baby and go to sleep... so I ended up taking him into the bedroom, and rocking him and singing....
That's when I really miss it the most...when I miss them and everything I'll never have for myself... Cause he's just laying there in my arms, looking up at me with him big brown eyes, as cute as can be and so sweet... and I just realize that this is something I'll never get to do with them. Its so bittersweet... because I never get to with a baby that's mine... its just not the same.
And I don't know how I can love someone so much that I never even met....
I got him to go to sleep last night... no one's ever done that, he'll only go to sleep for my sister and never without nursing. But he went to sleep for me... and it just made me miss everything so much more.
I'm just so lost right now. I hate that everything is coming at me at once and I don't even know what to handle first. ...I mean... we moved to a new place, and then Alana died, I got fired from my job... DSO is shipping out tomorrow. On top of everything... Friday night I got AF, and I was so desperately hoping to be pregnant this cycle, because we don't have another chance for a 2008 baby... but more than that it was solid proof that Alana is really gone, she's not coming back and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It didn't seem real until that moment... it all seemed like a dream, like I floated through it but it didn't happen. I think I slept for about a week... I was so sick, so depressed...but I don't remember that week... I feel like I barely remember her, so days I'll still wake up and think I'm pregnant... it really kills me inside when I'll be lying with DSO and he'll hug or cuddle me, but he'll put his hand low on my stomach... like he's thinking about it, or like he forgot... or even like he's trying to hug her....... stupid thought, I guess, to hug a baby that's not there. Silly me.
Its been a month...one month and I don't know where that month went. I should be 13wks and 2 days today.... we should be kissing DSO goodbye and counting the days until he comes back to us, until we can be a happy family, I should be sending him pictures of my growing tummy, of the little baby inside.... but now there are no pictures. Now there is no happiness, I don't know what I'm going to send pictures of now, how I'm going to write encouraging letters, to be optimistic for him... when I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning.
Today I should be trying to feel her kick... or thinking of names...picking out pink dresses or.... I don't know... anything. Anything but this.
I hate this hopelessness. I hate this emptyness. I hate the sadness and the anger. I hate being so helpless. I'm not in control of my life, of what happens in it anymore... I'm spinning wildly out of control..... and I don't even want to do anything about it. Because its so hard for me to care about anything right now...
As long as this is...these still aren't words enough for what I feel, I don't think I'd ever be able to explain it to someone who hasn't felt it. And to someone who has...there are no words necessary.
Sometimes I just want to curl up in a little ball on the floor and cry...just cry until I can stop thinking. And sometimes I just want to run, I feel like I need to run and not stop until I can get away from it...but I know there is no where far enough away to get away from myself, there's no where I can hide from my own thoughts. Its such a horrible feeling...to be so helpless...
I wish there was a magic button I could push that would fix everything. I wish there was someone who could say the magic words and it would be all better. I wish there was anything that could fix this but time.
Mommy to 2 angels
Liam @12wks 2days
Alana @ 9wks 2days
I wish there was something I could say that would take the pain away for you, but I know there isn't. I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. It brought tears to my eyes when you mentioned DSO putting his hands on your tummy and what you feel because the same thing happens here. It always catches me off guard a bit and I tense up, then he knows what I was thinking whether he already had been or not. And the running away, I feel that way sometimes too. Especially on days when it's pretty outside and I can see myself hiking up the mountain and just staying there, sitting, surrounded by Aspens and a breeze. You're in my thoughts, PM me if you need anything.
I am so very sorry for your grief. There are no "magic words" that I can give you. I truly wish there were. Deployment sucks. I know first hand as I am active duty Navy. I can only say that you really need to ease up on yourself. You are entitled to feel the way that you do. You have lost more than one child and the latest loss was only a month ago. I have good days and then I have days as you have described and it has been just over three months for me. Time is the only healer that I know of. I cannot imagine trying to deal with this kind of pain and adding a deployment to the mix. I wish you peace, strength, and serenity. shelly
I am so sorry for your loss. There isn't a magic pill or button to make you feel better. You just have to take it one day at a time. I know that is easier said than done. I miscarried in June and I still have those horrible days...they do become fewer in between. You will always miss your little one and wonder what they would be like. I wish I could make all the pain for all of us just go away and give us healthy pregnancies and our angels but I can't and neither can you. You must take care of yourself physically and emotionally.
You can always come here to vent and talk. I know the words I am saying don't really help but please know you are not alone. We are here for you.
I am so sorry. ((((HUGS))))
I pray that we will all have peace and happiness someday soon.
I am so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine the additional strain put on it by having your DSO deployed. Not only do you have the grief of yourchildren but he is not here to support you and like you said you need to be optimistic for him.
Please com here whenever you need to and feel free to PM me if you need to talk. We will all do what we can to support you so that you can stay positive for DSO. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you.
Hi I am sorry for your losses and yur love one deploying. I have loss three pregnancies in the last year and a half so I know how hard it can be. The wishful hopeful thinking. I have a couple of questions have you talked to someone about your feelings about the losses? It has helped me and I never knew I was suppressing these feelings deep down inside me. My second question is do you have a pet or thinking about getting a pet? I have two cats a girl named Annaliese and a boy cat named Snickers. They mean the world to me, and when my husband deploys or is at work they can give me a lot of company and they love showing tons of affection. My husband deploys in January till May and I am thankfull I have them with me at home. I want to wish you all the best in TTC when he gets back and maybe we can be on the same birth board together.
I am sorry that you are going through all of this, especially with DSO leaving on deployment. Maybe having this time apart you can use to heal and get ready to TTC (if that's what you want). And I agree with Militarybaby about having pets--we have a cat and the 3 dogs and they are wonderful companions. I hope one day you will have a baby in your arms!