dwelling on past possiblities (child/previous preg ment.)
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Thread: dwelling on past possiblities (child/previous preg ment.)

  1. #1
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    Default dwelling on past possiblities (child/previous preg ment.)

    Just a warning, this may be difficult to read.



    As I've dealt with the loss of this baby I find myseslf thinking more and more of my past. This was an unexpected pregnacy, and had it gone to term I would have probably considered putting the child up for adoption. I'm not in a position to raise a child as she truly would have deserved. To have tried to raise her would have done her (and possibly myself) a disservice.
    I was in that position once before. I was raped at 16 and gave birth to my daughter a week after my 17th birthday. I apparently have incredibly bad luck, that not only would I be raped, but that I would end up pregnant from it. I am not anti-abortion, I believe that every woman has the right to make her own decision about her own body, and having a baby needs to be her decision. That being said, I personally would never terminate a pregnancy unless there was a very good medical reason for my doing so. As was the case with this pregnancy. With the other child, there was not. My daughter, Aoife, lives with adoptive parents in Seattle. It was left as an open adoption with the understanding that when she was old enough to make the decision for herself, she could choose to contact me. She's seven now, and having gone through this loss, a part of me desperatly wants to meet my child. A larger part of me is scared out of my mind. How do I explain to her why I gave her up? If I were to meet her now, how do you explain rape to a seven year old? Meeting her now isn't actually an option, the meet would be her decision, not mine. For now, her parents send me a picture every year which feels like it does more harm than good. She looks much like I did at that age, nothing like the person who raped me. I want to meet my daughter, I want to tell her why I gave her up. I want to know her.

  2. #2
    missy8632
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    I am so sorry you had to go through that at such a young age. It is commone to have current losses bring up past pain and memories.
    First, kids do not need to know all the details. They like things very cut and dry. It may not be necessary to tell her how she got here, but that you loved her so much you gave her to her adoptive family.
    My son is adopted and I think if his mom all the time and how hard it would have been to give him up. It is the most selfless act one person can do for another.
    Do you have an open adoption? If so, I would wait a while to clear your head before you make any decisions. Allow youself to grive the loss of this baby before you contact your daughter, if that is what you want.

    Sending hugs.

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    Posting Addict kerina313's Avatar
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    You are one selfless person. Regardless of the circumstances that brought you your daughter, you brought happiness to another couple. A couple who were possibly unable to have a child and you gave them that joy. Don't take it as anything else.

    If you meet and she asks - just tell her that you were unable to care for yourself let alone a baby and the best thing for her was to go to a loving home.

    I'm sending positive energy your way to help you with your healing and hopefully to help with sending good things your way - as you've been doing for others

    BIG HUGS to you...

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    It is an open adoption, but with the understanding that Aoife would be the one to initiate contact, not me. So far, she has chosen not too, but she's only seven. She does know that she is adopted; her parents are blond and blue eyed, she's black haired, blue eyed, and looks "exotic" like me. No way for her not to know. I wrote a letter explaining what happened and why I gave her up that her parents are to give her once she is old enough. I won't say that I never thought of her before I lost this baby, but it was more rare. I know that she is with parents who love her and make her the center of their world; I couldn't ask for more assurances that she is safe, loved, and given all that she deserves.
    When I was pregnant with her I resented it. I was violated in one of the worst ways, and every time I saw my formerly slim dancer's body grow outwards I was reminded of that violation. I resented that I had to quit dancing, I resented my akward bulky body, I resented the nightmares that came from the rape and the pregnancy. I was 16, not the most intelligent or mature of ages. I never really resented her though. She was an innocent in what had happened, she did not ask to be conceived out of a rape, she had nothing to do with my being raped. I guess at the time giving her up did not hurt me because I knew that I could not give her what she deserved in terms of parenting, and I knew that she was going somewhere that she would be loved and cared for.
    I suppose I seem selfless because I have learned early that the world can be a place of incredible pain and cruelty. People can hurt others for no reason, for imagined reasons, for reasons never given or found out. And yet people are also capable of great good, of beauty, of acts of giving and selflessness beyond what is expected. I try and fall on the good side wherever I can. If that means giving my child that I cannot care for to a couple who cannot have children, who will love and care for her in a way that I am not capable of, then so be it. If that means making bracelets for women who have shared in an hurt that is beyond words and comprehension, then it costs me little. Sometimes the most you can give is simply being there when someone cries for help. I don't see that as selflessness, I see it as acting like a human being. People tell me that those are very high standards for humanity, but perhaps it takes an incredible amount of pain to make you see what is truly valuable in life. Not years, but experiance. As much as I regret what happened to me, I think it has forced me into becoming a more mature and stronger person at a much younger age, and that I value.

  5. #5
    missy8632
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    Honey, have you ever gotten counseling for the rape and the brith? The loss of the new baby may have brought up past emotions and you may have some PTSD going on.

    Do you get pictures of your daughter or updates at all?

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    Yes, I went through therapy after the rape. It was a while ago and I think I've pretty mcuh dealt with the fact of it. The adoptive parents send me a picture every christmas, which is kinda nice. She looks a lot like me.
    I did go to the pyschiatrist the school has after the d&c, but with school so busy I never really had the chance to make appointments and stick to them. I think I'm dealing okay, just have to vent and let of steam every now and then.

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    missy8632
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    Vent away, we are hear to listen.

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    I am so sorry for you. You seem to have a possitive outlook considering the horrible things that happened to you and then another hard choice as an adult. I can't imagine the pain. I don't have anything else to say really. Just that I'm sorry.

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    The way I see it is that if I live my life defined by what happened to me, the man who raped me not only violated my body, but my spirit. The one I had no control over, he was a foot taller than me and three times my weight. The other is my choice, and what someone does to my body without my consent does not speak to who I am as a person. It changed me, certainly, but it doesn't define me.
    I guess from that experiance I learned that when life kicks you in the teeth you can either lay there waiting for someone to pick you up, or you pull yourself off the ground. Pulling yourself up is usually faster and more reliable. What I went through, then and now, was absolutely hideous and no woman should have to go through that. But it did happen, and you can't live dwelling on things you cannot change. Forwards is the only direction to go that makes any sense. It doesn't mean the past doesn't hurt or affect the present person; it just means you deal with what life gives you and live the rest of your life. I like the saying "What matters is not what life does to you, but rather what you do with what life does to you".

  10. #10
    missy8632
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    You are a strong women.

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