E-mail sent to fam and friends (m/c ment, pg ment, child ment indirectly)
I mentioned the e-mail that I sent to some family and friends in an attempt to either make them stop with the insensitive comments, understand just a little or to just have them leave me alone. Not sure why, but I thought I would share that here. Some people think it is kind of sad and I suppose it kind of is, so I understand if you'd rather not read. It's just the way I feel about it all...(it's a long e-mail)
Just my thoughts...
So I was talking to a friend the other day who was really just trying to make me feel better about all that has gone on in my life lately. This friend pointed out how much worse it would have been, had I 'really known' this child, gotten to see a 'real' smile and hold them in my arms. I understand the point that was being made. I had already thought of it. I've thought how lucky I am to be able to become pregnant at all and I have thought of all the parents who have lost a child late in pregnancy or after raising them for years. I try not to be selfish, I try to remind myself that others have seen much worse and I think I'm doing okay. I guess my problem is that so many people just don't realize what a baby does to a woman. They don't understand that regardless of how 'far along' she is or how old her baby is, it is and was her child. This was part of my response to that friend. It's just how I feel and I thought I'd share with those that I love, maybe you'll understand just a little...
"You see this little heart beating inside you and you're just different...forever. It feels like you do know this child and even if it's the wrong picture, you know what they look like and what their laugh sounds like, you know in your heart. You see it in dreams and really everywhere because from that moment on, you picture your child there in everything you do. But you kind of have to because everything you eat, you share with this other little person, every time you rest, they are resting with you, if you see a rainbow or sunset, they feel that calmness too, everything stops being about you. It turns into being about this part of you, this better part of you."
That is what it felt like for me being pregnant. I know you all love me and are trying to help, but sometimes the words just hurt worse. When you want to support me, open your arms and give me a hug, tell me you love me, say that you are sorry for our loss or that you're sorry we had to go through this. Please don't say 'it's for the best', better for who? I'd rather not hear how it 'just wasn't a good pregnancy', why not? Or that it 'must not have been the right time', for who and then why did it finally happen at all? Not to sound mean, but I'm sure I have a question or arguement for every 'good' reason you give me. There are so many ways to give comfort, it doesn't always have to be by 'looking at the bright side'. Honestly, the bright side doesn't always exist. But if you love me, just be there for me, be there when I'm being sad and crazy, even when I'm irrational and I don't make sense to you, just know that its a process and healing takes time. Deep down I know it will be ok no matter what happens. I know that things do happen for a reason and sometimes we don't see that reason right away, but I don't always want to be rational right now. I didn't lose an embryo or fetus, I lost a child, our baby...our baby's heart stopped beating and that is what I have to deal with...so please just let me cry, know that I will be ok, I just need time...
I was so lucky that they did, but when I wrote it, I didn't care if anyone spoke to me ever again...but they have all been great since. For some of them, it took telling them exactly what happened. I found out many people don't even understand how a miscarriage can be, they think you go for an U/S and there is no baby and you just didn't know. Aside from the emotional pain, they don't realize the physical pain that goes along with it. I actually had one person call me the next day to complain about their day, I was rude and told them 'well if you think you had a bad day, at least you didn't have to .............' and from there I got really graphic about the entire thing. I did apologize for that later, but so did they. My situation has really worked out as best as it could and for that I am grateful.
That brought me to tears because I know EXACTLY how you feel. Unless they have been there themselves, I don't think people realize that a miscarriage (no matter how early) is still the loss of a child.
My first loss was only about a week after I even found out, but nobody realizes how much changes for us. It was my baby- I had his/her whole life planned out in my head already. I knew the baby was going to have my eyes and DH's lil nose... I never had to see it to know this in my heart, but people just dont understand.
((((((((((HUGS to you)))))))))))) for writing that, it really touched me!
Wow, I think your email is amazing. It is quite possibly the most perfect description of what it feels like to lose a baby that I have ever read. Truly, I mean it. I have read scores of books on the subject, and none of them has come close or been as moving as what you have written.
It is also the perfect advice to give to people on what to do for their loved one after they have suffered a loss.
I hope you share your email with as many people as possible, Amy. Please share it with anyone you encounter who also suffers a loss. I think it could do a lot of good for people, I really do. It has for me.
I'm really glad you guys liked it. I guess it feels a little 'validating' to have people who have been through the same or similar be able to relate to it. I'm not just losing my mind I posted it on my myspace page, and have sent it to a few people aside from the ones it was e-mailed to who wanted to see it. It would be wonderful if it helped other people or even if they could use it. I still cry everytime I read it. If you know of anyone it would help or if you want to, feel free to take it, just if you share it, please spell check it first...I made some errors that I never made time to correct and I am a bit OCD. Thank you so much ladies, you have all helped me so much already.
It's a beautiful email. I just had a loss on Monday and I can absolutely relate - esp. the last paragraph. I am getting VERY tired of people telling me that it happened for a reason. Yes, maybe it did, but PLEASE stop saying that! It's NOT helping me right now!!
Phew, sorry about that. I guess I still get heated up when I think about the things that people say...