Well, my edd is coming up next month (Nov 5th to be exact) and to be honest the closer the day gets the more upset I become. I was just starting to feel somewhat "normal" again..as normal as one can after losing their baby I suppose. I just don't know how i'm going to get through this. I can't even begin to see a silver lining in this situation. I'm a huge ball of anger, frustration, disbelief, and pain. I don't know what to do anymore or how to even go on. I still feel the way I did when I checked into the hospital for my d&c. I still have a huge burning hole in the middle of my heart, I still feel empty inside. I have yet to find anything that fill that hole...does the pain ever stop? I can't even begin to imagine having to go through this multiple times. I don't know how you ladies with multiple m/c's have done it. I admire you as you are VERY strong women.
I went in for my first u/s at 8 weeks, I saw the baby fluttering around and heard the heart beat everything was perfect, minus the horrid morning sickness. Went back for 14 week u/s and as soon as the lady looked at the screen I knew something was terribly wrong. Her face turned as white as a sheet and her facial expression said it all. I don't remember hearing her actually say the words I just remember staring at the screen looking at my baby crying hysterically.
Sometime around 9 weeks my babys heart stopped. Still unsure of what caused it b/c of my age and this being my first loss dr did not recommend testing (and I don't have insurance so I couldn't have afforded to have it done anyway). I went in for a d&c on my 21st birthday. I have never felt so empty as I did leaving the hospital that day. I went in with my baby inside of me and I left with nothing. Although my pregnancy was unplanned my baby was very much loved by me, my boyfriend of 4 years, as well as its grandparents (it would have been both of our parents first grand child).
I should be bringing home a beautiful baby less than 28 days from now and knowing that I'm not makes it all that much harder as the days go by. Every AF seems to be a reminder of what I'm missing, my baby. It's almost unbearable at times, Bf and I have decided its in our best interest to wait 1 year be for ttc again. (as we will both be out of college by then and it will give my body plenty of time to heal and get back to normal) Although I know that financially and physically it's what's best for me...emotionally, I want a baby NOW. I have been seeing a therapist and it helps some but, it doesn't make the pain stop it just makes it a little easier to deal with. Sorry for such a long rant I felt it was time for me to get this off my chest, maybe it will help me move on somehow...