emotional rollercoaster
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  1. #1
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    Default emotional rollercoaster

    I am on a emotional ride from hell! I was fine for a while and then yesterday I saw a little girl at walmart. . My fiancee and i were admiring how cute she was and then out of nowhere I started tearing up. My fiancee was behind me in line and I managed to stop the tears. I just keep thinking my little bean might have been the little girl i've been dreaming of. The rest of the day yesterday i cried at the drop of a hat! I feel really depressed. I just want to be p/g again. I can't even communicate with my fiancee about it because I am afraid he'll say no. I have no idea what my cycle is doing and it's only been a few weeks. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you get your head on straight?

  2. #2
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    Its totally normal. I still do the same thing. Its not because you dont have your "head on straight" either, its because you lost your child. I dont know that it will ever go away but it does get easier. Im sorry you are having to go through this, I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

    These feelings will come and go. I have lost 3 babies with the most recent being in December and I still do what you described, somedays are easier than others but the sadness over the loss of your child will never go away. You will find ways to cope though and the days like this will get farther and fewer between. However around "annversary dates" things may get harder or like yesterday being Mothers Day, but they will pass. Give yourself time to heal and dont rush it. If you dont deal with it now, it will find its way back to you, so do wha you need to do to grieve and dont place any "time limits" on when you think you should be over it.

    Im sorry, big hugs.

  3. #3
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    what I mean by head on straight is not wanting to talk with my fiance because I don't want him to say no. I know at some point i need to talk to him. I do feel like I should be over the loss by now. I am not sure why. I guess becuase I was not quite 7 weeks. Everytime I see a pregnant belly or a baby I want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel jealous and I hate that i feel that way! The only thing that makes me feel better is to think about being p/g again and I am sure my fiance doesn't want any more. He's ten years older then me(44) and he has 3 of his own (they don't live w/ us). I also have my own. I guess that's another reason I feel I should be thankful and move on . I tell myself to stop thinking about it and it wont hurt. I have always wanted to have a big family and be a mother (that's pretty much what I have always wanted to be "when I grew up"-not a lawyer or a doctor-just a mother). Thank you for listening. I need someone to talk to who understands and doesn't mind if I keep having to say and feel the same stuff over and over. I am so thankful for this board. Hugs to all of you!
    pregnancy week by week

    DS 13
    DS 8

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by mj9499 View Post
    what I mean by head on straight is not wanting to talk with my fiance because I don't want him to say no. I know at some point i need to talk to him. I do feel like I should be over the loss by now. I am not sure why. I guess becuase I was not quite 7 weeks. Everytime I see a pregnant belly or a baby I want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel jealous and I hate that i feel that way! The only thing that makes me feel better is to think about being p/g again and I am sure my fiance doesn't want any more. He's ten years older then me(44) and he has 3 of his own (they don't live w/ us). I also have my own. I guess that's another reason I feel I should be thankful and move on . I tell myself to stop thinking about it and it wont hurt. I have always wanted to have a big family and be a mother (that's pretty much what I have always wanted to be "when I grew up"-not a lawyer or a doctor-just a mother). Thank you for listening. I need someone to talk to who understands and doesn't mind if I keep having to say and feel the same stuff over and over. I am so thankful for this board. Hugs to all of you!

    Im really sorry. I would talk to your fiance when you feel ready. It is very common after a loss to feel like the only thing that is going to make you feel better is to get pregnant again. I did the same thing after my first loss, we got pregnant on the first month I got my period back. I wish I would not have done this, because I relied on another pregnancy to make me happy and to "fix" everything, instead of actually "dealing" with the loss, so when we lost that baby to it sent me into a very deep depression.

    You will know what is best for you, but I recommend talking about it to anyone who will listen, its a very lonely time in a persons life, and it is nice to have these boards where you can talk to people who can understand, and no one minds if you say the same thing 100 times, you have to do what it takes to make you feel better, and there is always someone here to listen.

    I have lost all of my babies in the first trimester, and Im still not over it, and we have been doing this for over a year now. There is no "time frame" on grief, and dont let people tell you "you should be over it by now" or anything like that. Also dont feel bad because you lost the baby early, they were still your child and it doesnt matter what age they are its still hurts, and it also doesnt make it hurt any less because you have other children, so let yourself grieve, and dont put limitations on it.

    The jealousy is TOTALLY normal as well, everyone experiences it. It will hurt to see pregnant bellies. I swear everyone I know is having babies and everywhere I go there are pregnant bellies, I still get sad sometimes, and thats ok. Im not mad at them, Im just sad because I dont have my child, and those feelings are ok, so let yourself feel it all, the jealousy, the anger, the grief, everything, and dont be ashamed of your feelings.

    I am very sorry you are having to go through this, I feel so bad for you. Feel free to pm me anytime you need anything at all. If you guys decide to TTC again you can visit the TTC after a loss board, the ladies there are WONDERFUL and they are very supportive and understanding.

    I promise it does get easier, I know it doesnt feel like it right now, but you will slowly begin to feel better, it does happen, slowly but surely. In the mean time do what you need to do to make yourself feel better, pamper yourself, talk about your baby. I ordered some loss remembrance jewelry this weekend and it made me feel good, you may do something like that to remember your little one, but whatever it takes, let yourself grieve your child.

  5. #5
    nicoleballinger
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    Wow -- mom2angels said it all so well!!!

    Talking about seeing preg bellies and kids everywhere -- there's an expression: "When all you have is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail." In fact, there aren't actually more bellies and babies everywhere -- it's just that we notice them more, in our early grief. It's because it hurts so frigging much. Forget about the social myth that we should 'get over it quickly': I've never known anyone -- who's lost an angel baby -- who got over it quickly. Take all the time you need, sweetheart. It's a process, but it really will get better.

    Just keep posting as often as you need to. Say it 100 times? Say it a thousand times!!! That's actually the way to get better, faster. Get it all out, sweetheart, and you'll propel yourself quicker through the stages of grief.

    One little suggestion: what about naming your baby? When I was encouraged to do so, I thought it seemed corny but the grief counsellor told me it's more healing to say a name, rather than to keep referring to "the baby". She was so right. DH and I looked over all the unisex names (because we m/c'd each time -- too early to have known the baby's sex) and we carefully chose a name we liked for each of our angel babies. It's very healing.

    Hang in there, sweetheart. We're going to help you through this.

    Love,
    Nicole

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    Oh my....... to give this baby a name. Right now it seems to make it hurt worse. I think because a part of me is fighting the reality of what has happened. Giving this little baby a name would make it that much more "real" and maybe that is what I need to do to heal. My arms and my belly are empty and that hurts. I now feel like I don't have to act like this little one was not a part of me and my heart. I wont try to get over this loss so quick. Thank you all for your kindness and helping me through this tough time.
    pregnancy week by week

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  7. #7
    cabin_dweller
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    Emotional "rollercoaster" is a great way to put it. I am right there with you on that one, the empty feelings, sometimes I'm totally overemotional, other days I have no emotion like I just don't give a crap.

  8. #8
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    I haven't named my baby either. Too painfull. But I know, deep down, that any of the names I was considering when I was pregnant are out of the running if and when I have another baby. It's taking me a long time to be okay with my loss. It's okay that it's taking a while. And it's okay to feel the way you feel about everyone else. I had a little girl ask me if I have any babies yet. The question came out of no-where and my first responce was to tell her the truth. I didn't. She's just five. I said that no I didn't. She asked if it was because I didn't want a baby or because God hasn't given me one yet. I answered that I hoped to have one soon. I didn't know what else to say. I was so terribly sad at that moment. Nothing hits home like a child feeling bad for you eh. So, really, it's okay to be angry, sad, or pissed off. It comes in waves and goes away in time (so I hear). I lost my baby seven weeks ago today and it really is okay most of the time. I'm back to daily life. I have moments (days sometimes) but life is going on.

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