Everyone...

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flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219
Everyone...

I hope it's ok that I decided to do this, it's gonna be long. Some of you probably remember awhile back, we had talked about ways that we were coping and how sometimes family and friends don't realize how losing a child feels to us or what it means. They can be so insensitive and it is usually unintentional, they don't know what to say to us and so the WRONG things comes out. Since there are so many new or returning members, I thought it couldn't hurt to do that again. Below is the letter I wrote so maybe my loved ones would understand a little better what I was going through. I'm also going to post the 'What is Normal?' that kar19831 posted before too (I LOVE it and hope it was ok). I really hope that those of you who have found ways to handle DH's that don't understand or even family and friends that don't understand, will post what you have written or ways that you found to cope. I know if you go back to page 4 or 5 of the board, there are a few poems and things that people have written and there are some here on the main page. Hope it helps. Thanks to all of you for being here for me...

Amy

Posted by flutterby4~Just my thoughts...

So I was talking to a friend the other day who was really just trying to make me feel better about all that has gone on in my life lately. This friend pointed out how much worse it would have been, had I 'really known' this child, gotten to see a 'real' smile and hold them in my arms. I understand the point that was being made. I had already thought of it. I've thought how lucky I am to be able to become pregnant at all and I have thought of all the parents who have lost a child late in pregnancy or after raising them for years. I try not to be selfish, I try to remind myself that others have seen much worse and I think I'm doing okay. I guess my problem is that so many people just don't realize what a baby does to a woman. They don't understand that regardless of how 'far along' she is or how old her baby is, it is and was her child. This was part of my response to that friend. It's just how I feel and I thought I'd share with those that I love, maybe you'll understand just a little...

"You see this little heart beating inside you and you're just different...forever. It feels like you do know this child and even if it's the wrong picture, you know what they look like and what their laugh sounds like, you know in your heart. You see it in dreams and really everywhere because from that moment on, you picture your child there in everything you do. But you kind of have to because everything you eat, you share with this other little person, every time you rest, they are resting with you, if you see a rainbow or sunset, they feel that calmness too, everything stops being about you. It turns into being about this part of you, this better part of you."

That is what it felt like for me being pregnant. I know you all love me and are trying to help, but sometimes the words just hurt worse. When you want to support me, open your arms and give me a hug, tell me you love me, say that you are sorry for our loss or that you're sorry we had to go through this. Please don't say 'it's for the best', better for who? I'd rather not hear how it 'just wasn't a good pregnancy', why not? Or that it 'must not have been the right time', for who and then why did it finally happen at all? Not to sound mean, but I'm sure I have a question or argument for every 'good' reason you give me. There are so many ways to give comfort; it doesn't always have to be by 'looking at the bright side'. Honestly, the bright side doesn't always exist. But if you love me, just be there for me, be there when I'm being sad and crazy, even when I'm irrational and I don't make sense to you, just know that its a process and healing takes time. Deep down I know it will be ok no matter what happens. I know that things do happen for a reason and sometimes we don't see that reason right away, but I don't always want to be rational right now. I didn't lose an embryo or fetus, I lost a child, our baby...our baby's heart stopped beating and that is what I have to deal with...so please just let me cry, know that I will be ok, I just need time...

All my love,
Amy Kay

Posted by kar19831~What is " Normal"?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember her.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

Thanks for posting those again. They are both really great, and get over so many feelings so well. Smile

Joined: 05/04/06
Posts: 250

I think that is great that you were able to open up to your family like that. I still find myself trying to protect them from knowing my real feelings.

I dont mind you posting 'the normal' one again. I hope it can help one more person get through a rough day.

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

I keep finding myself reading both of them over and over again. We are having the 'do we go home for the Holidays' discussion again and it's killing me. He really wants to go home and I don't know if I can do it. The Holidays this year will be so hard already, I don't know if I can handle spending it with his niece who is pregnant and not even a month behind where I would have been. I don't want to see that. I know it's selfish and I said I would try, but I would rather him go and me stay home, but he says if I stay, he stays. What I wrote and the Normal one are helping me remember that I'm not totally being selfish and what I feel is ok. This is hard and that's all there is to it.

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

Amy
It is a really tough decision that you have to make about going home for the holidays. I'm glad you DH seems to be so supportive. It will be difficult seeing your neice considering she is so ill equipt to parent and then the fact that she is only a month behind you. How long can you put off the decision? Do you fly or is it possible to drive home?

Antionette

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

Thank you for reposting. Both of those are so insightful and helpful.

shelly

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

Oops, not sure what I did here, but I posted twice....

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

Well, he says that he thinks he just doesn't want to go now, but that may change again. I know he wants to, he just doesn't want me to be miserable. I explained how, her being so close to how far along I would have been will be really hard. That for the rest of our lives I will see this child and know that our little one would be about 3 weeks older. I will love this baby and watch him/her grow, but I just don't know if I can handle watching the pregnancy too. I know that is horrible of me, I was in tears the whole time. But we always drive home, it's about 14 hours...so really we have a little longer before we have to decide. I think I should just go, it would be the first time I've seen my mother since March and it would be nice to spend the Holiday with her. But the thought of walking in our nieces parents' house just makes me sick to my stomach. I actually think it would be easier if they would have at least called to tell me, not just DH, that they were sorry for our loss. At least then face to face with her pregnant wouldn't be ther first time losing our baby was brought up. Anyway, the biggest thing would be making sure we leave enough time to schedule our dog to be boarded or babysat while we were gone.

Miss Yvi's picture
Joined: 12/22/08
Posts: 100

Thank you so much for posting these.

It was comforting to read that others feel as I do. People seem to think that if you loose a pregnancy, its not like loosing a loved one. As if loosing my babies before 12 weeks makes them not babies at all but just "embryo's that weren't right". They had heartbeats, they had names, we had nursery colours picked, christmas presents bought, and baby books on every coffee table. They were our babies. And I should be allowed to grieve as long as I wish, and not made to feel like 2 days out of hospital I should be back to scrubbing floors and walking the dog because "These things happen and you have to move on".

Flutterby I hope you come to a decision you are at peace with about your holidays. If you are really not ready to see your neice, then do what is right for you and stay home. Your husband seems very supportive and you can always go a little later when you feel up to it.

good luck with your decision.

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

I think there are some new mom's who would benefit from reading Amy's email and the poem posted by kar19831

vbear's picture
Joined: 01/22/05
Posts: 83

THank you for bringing those back to the top for us new folks.Wow is all i can say,it means alot to have people that know what you are going thru that you lost a baby,not a might have been.From the moment I saw the word pregnant on that digital,that was my baby,my dream come true.All the tests i endured,the 2 surgeries,the year of waiting was all worth it because I was going to have this most special gift of all.I had already made plans to go home for the holidays for the 1st time in 8 years so my 90 year old grandmother could see her great-grandbaby on what could be her last holiday season.I had already looked at baby stuff for the room that has been waiting for 2 years since we bought this house.I had already loved that child from the moment I knew I was pregnant and telling me "hey,you can have my kids for a couple days and then you won't want any",DOES NOT HELP.DOn't tell me how lucky I am not to have kids so I can go anywhere I want to.I want to be tied down thank you.JUst give me that hug and you don't have to say anything.Tell me it's ok to feel sorry for myself.Don't tell me I need to get out and do normal stuff and forget about it.I will NEVER forget about my baby.ok I have to stop now cause for the 1st time since the D&C I am sitting here crying like a baby and it's hard to type.Thank you ladies for helping me get that out and letting me see you understand.

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

Amy,

I have to tell you that every time I read one of your posts, I am blown away by the depth of your compassion and humanity. Even while "thinking about yourself" you always put everyone else first. At the risk of offending, I have to say that I think that your little girl had the greatest mommy ever for the little time that she was here. I think that this might actually be a situation where you need to put yourself first as hard as that may be. However, with that being said, I know that you will make a decision based on every facet of the situation and will do what you feel is right and best. I wish you nothing but peace. Hang in there sweetheart.

Shelly

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thanks so much for reposting this. Both the letter and the poem were beautifully written. I couldn't have said it better.

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

Wow, this got long...

Shelly, you have absolutely no idea how much your words mean to me. You're such a sweetheart and honestly, I read your posts and wish that I could think of something comforting to say the way that you do. Now, I'm laughing and I'm crying. Crying because of just about everything you had to say, and laughing because well, I've kind of become a *lurker* because I don't feel like I have the right thing to say anymore. I've tried to respond to a couple posts, but everything seems so superficial, like we can never say enough. Of course I know our words can't take the pain away, but I just always feel like I should be able to do more, instead I had chosen to do nothing. You made me think maybe I shouldn't feel that way, like maybe I should still be offering any support I know how. Thank you for that. You have been here with me through pretty much all of it and I have a special place in my heart for you, same goes for Sarah, Robin and Antionette. It's amazing to me how we come to think of the people we meet here and how much we start to care for those people. I don't know how I would have survived without you. Thank you.

As for the holidays, we decided to stay home. It got a bit rocky and there were words here and there, but in the end, we had Christmas at home and it was wonderful. On Christmas Day when Christian went to his mom's, Chris and I named a star for Kaylie (a gift from a friend, the little Russ Shiny Stars) and that was so very special to us. It all worked out just fine.

I started seeing a new OB and think things will be better when we get pregnant again. But we have decided to 'not try, not prevent' until October~ish when I graduate. Going back for another degree is hard enough, I don't need to stress about babies too Smile

I changed up my letter about a month ago. There were some things that I hadn't put in the first one that I felt had to be added. And yes, once that was done, I sent it again Blum 3 I'm posting the newest version here since I know some of you have saved it (and that is perfectly ok with me, please do) I just had to add something about the 'don't worry it will happen' thing I kept hearing.

I'm sorry for everyone's losses. I'm so sorry that you have a need for this board, but as we've said before, more than grateful that it's here. I'm still lurking if ya need me...hugs to all.

Antionette~If you read this, I've been sick, this is the first time I've been online in days. I'll e-mail you tomorrow. Thank you so much for reposting this. Hope you've been well.

Amy

Not a little loss...
Just my thoughts...

So I was talking to a friend the other day who was really just trying to make me feel better about all that has gone on in my life lately. This friend pointed out how much worse it would have been, had I 'really known' this child, gotten to see a 'real' smile and hold them in my arms. I understand the point that was being made. I had already thought of it. I've thought how lucky I am to be able to become pregnant at all and I have thought of all the parents who have lost a child late in pregnancy or after raising them for years. I try not to be selfish, I try to remind myself that others have seen much worse and I think I'm doing okay. I guess my problem is that so many people just don't realize what a baby does to a woman. They don't understand that regardless of how 'far along' she is or how old her baby is, it is and was her child. This was part of my response to that friend. It's just how I feel and I thought I'd share with those that I love, maybe you'll understand just a little...

"You see this little heart beating inside of you and you're just different...forever. It feels like you do know this child and even if it's the wrong picture, you know what they look like and what their laugh sounds like, you know in your heart. You see it in dreams and really everywhere because from that moment on, you picture your child there in everything you do. But you kind of have to because everything you eat, you share with this other little person, every time you rest, they are resting with you, if you see a rainbow or sunset, they feel that calmness too, everything stops being about you. It turns into being about this part of you, this better part of you."

That is what it felt like for me being pregnant. I know you all love me and are trying to help, but sometimes the words just hurt worse. When you want to support me, open your arms and give me a hug, tell me you love me, say that you are sorry for our loss or that you're sorry we had to go through this. Please don't say 'it's for the best', better for whom? I'd rather not hear how it 'just wasn't a good pregnancy', define 'good' and what made my pregnancy bad, it wasn't bad to me...let's not even get into the 'it must not have been the right time'...for who and then why did it finally happen at all? And just please do not say 'it will happen', how do you know that? It doesn't always, not for everyone. But even if it does happen someday, and I pray that it will, please tell me how another child could ever replace the child that we lost. Not to sound mean, but I'm sure I have a question or argument for every 'good' reason you give me. There are so many ways to give comfort; it doesn't always have to be by 'looking at the bright side'. Honestly, the bright side doesn't always exist. But if you love me, just be there for me, be there when I'm being sad and crazy, even when I'm irrational and I don't make sense to you, just know that it’s a process and healing takes time. Deep down I know it will be ok no matter what happens. I know that things do happen for a reason and sometimes we don't see that reason right away, but I don't always want to be rational right now. I didn't lose an embryo or fetus, I lost a child, our baby...our baby's heart stopped beating and that is what I have to deal with...so please just let me cry, know that I will be ok, I just need time...

All my love,
Amy Kay

HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

Thanks for posting this. It does help so much to have all of you ladies.