Feel I Should Join...[infant loss]
I feel like everyone around me has a normal healthy baby...and i get so jealous...i can't do anything but cry and put myself together again.
On March 30th at 9:14 am, after 30+ hours of labor and only 15 minutes of pushing, Jayden Nathanial was born in Newark Beth Israel, in New Jersey. on April 1st at 8:51 pm he died at the Childrens Hospital of Philadelphia.
My name is Shana I am 21 years old mother of an angel in heaven & a US Army Wife. My husband and I got married last April when he got stationed in Hawaii. In early June I had joined him in our new home...a very new place..to start a new life. The move was exceptionally hard on me, I am very close to my family..my niece and sister in particular. Sure enough as most young military wives do, I got pregnant after only 3 weeks of living on Island. I found out while my husband was training...after waking up feeling like i was about to die...i found out i was only pregnant...a semi relief...because here i was 5000 miles away from home..had no idea when we would fly back...and finances...psst i did not see how we would have the money to start buying baby things...my husband came home 2 weeks later, after almost losing the baby at 7 weeks [ found out at 6 weeks] I was on bedrest til about 3 months...with horrible morning sickness that lasted til 17 weeks....but it subsided we managed to start saving and had started coping with the idea our baby would be born away from our families.
at 20 weeks we found out it was a lil boy, at 25 weeks, they noticed a leasion on his left lung that started a course of additional scans...at our first fetal heart echo Jayden was diagnosed with Pulmonary Stenosis, a congenital heart defect. My husband was in denial...as i would read up about it..he kept saying we wont know until he is here so dont worry...by the 2nd it was certain. the army pediatric cardiologist had started the process of sending us back to the east coast to have the baby by 34 weeks we were on a plane...in Philadelphia they confirmed they same thing...but ironically the leasion on his lung dissapeared. now it was just his heart.
when he was born he was okay for a few hours, then he started to decrease...they put him on oxygen, first this box thing...then when they gave him some medicine they put a tube down his throat...by the 31st, the drs. had decided to send him to philadelphia incase he were to need surgery. at 1am the dr. called me asking for permission to perform open heart surgery to put a stent in help blood flow more evenly to his lungs. the operation went great..and he was doing better...around 11am the next morning i got another phone call asking if they could put a catherer in to take pictures because he had started to decrease...and wasnt able to fully oxygenate is whole body. when we got to philadelphia an hour later...we were told he not only had pulmonary stenosis, but also pulmonary hypertension....they believed he had acquired the PH the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy when a certain valve had closed, causing high blood pressure in his lungs. they tried everything possibly..but there was nothing anyone could do. my husband and i decided to let him go, to take him off the machines..and just as we were there the 2 days before brining him into the world...we held him when he left. I am not sure how i am coping...i cry alone to ymself at night...or in the shower...over the last 9 months he was my little buddy...i didnt feel alone with him inside me...now...i feel so empty...idk if i still even count as a mother...he grew under my heart and inside of it for 9 months...he came out of me...ripped me...caused me so much discomfort, i went through it all because at the end i was told it was great. and all worth it...and for that one day it was worth it. i'd do it all again to repeat that day with him...when we had hope.
i want to have another baby, i dont feel like i am replacing Jayden...but i feel like i wont love the 2nd baby as much as my first. and that makes me not want to. my husband wants to get pregnant again asap. we have a less than 1 percent chance of having another child with a heart defect, though i will be considered high risk for the future baby...
but thank you to anyone who read this...i just needed to speak to people who understand.