Feel so empty (infant loss mentioned)**UPDATED**

13 posts / 0 new
Last post
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 3 weeks ago
Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371
Feel so empty (infant loss mentioned)**UPDATED**

Hello

I have been having some very rough days lately. I'm at work (and NOT working). I just feel so sad today. I just want to leave work but I don't want to go home either. Just want to be alone (DH and DS are home). I just want to go somewhere where no one else is around and just have time to myself.

I don't get it. It just doesn't make sense. How can it possibly be that we belong to a board like this? I should be on mat leave right now. I should be at home with DH, DS and DDA Lily. Why is she an angel? One year and 6 days ago I found out that I was pregnant. Six months, three weeks and three days ago I delivered my 4lb 2 oz baby girl. I can't get her out of my mind. I miss her so much.

Antionette
Lily Maria Kathleen :angel1: August 10, 2007

**Updated at bottom**

Offline
Last seen: 7 years 9 months ago
Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 456

:bighug: Could you leave work half the day and just go somewhere?? Sounds like a good idea...You need some you time..

Thinking of you and Lily...I wish she could be with you...I wish she did not have to become an angel baby Sad

I don't think that you will ever stop missing her...She will always be with you..You will always be thinking of her...

Let time do its thing...Know that we are all here for you...

Marie

StephanieJune's picture
Offline
Last seen: Never ago
Joined: 01/19/08
Posts: 103

:bighug:
I agree with Marie. If you can, you should just take the afternoon off and go somewhere. Would visiting Lily's grave help? My angel baby doesn't have a grave, but if she did, I would like having a place where I can talk to her, or just sit and think about her in peace.

KaellyNicole's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 3 months ago
Joined: 12/27/07
Posts: 219

(((HUGS)))

If you can, get away, go somewhere quiet like a park or lake, somewhere no one else will bother you.

I wasn't as far when I lost my son as you were with your daughter, but I went through the same feelings of "Why is he an angel". I won't say it gets better with time, because we all work differently. You will find a way for you to handle it best, what worked for me, doesn't mean it'll work for everyone. I hope you find peace soon... you will never stop missing her, but you can start healing from the loss when you're ready. Lots of hugs and support!!!

Offline
Last seen: 7 years 4 months ago
Joined: 11/30/07
Posts: 117

Oh hun, im so sorry. This must be so hard for you. Babies should never become angels, they should be here in our arms. You are right about this board, this is the one we all see but never ever want to join. unfortunately many of us need to. The only explanation I have come to through my loss is that it really is just not fair.

I think you will always miss Lily but I hope there comes a time when that does not come with such immense pain. I pray for your healing (((hugs)))

HopefullySoon's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 5 months ago
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

I'm sorry you are having such a hard day Antionette.
I often have these days where I don't want to be at work, yet I don't want to just sit at home either. I just want to be doing mommy stuff. I know I shouldn't be working and it just kills me thinking I shouldn't be here because i should be on maternity leave but at the same time I shouldn't be at home without my baby. It is just too terrible and so hard to know what to do without out babies.
I wish I had some way to make it better or easier for you, but I know I can't. Take care of yourself girl. Maybe a nice hot bath when you get home would do wonders?
I'm thinking of you and your sweet Lily.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Antionette,

I am so sorry you are having a rough time. I am glad you left work when you did. Sometimes we just need a day to ourselves. I think it is normal for all of us to have those days. I miss Rebecca everyday as you do Lily. I think we will always miss them and long to have them in our arms.

You are right...it's not fair that Lily is an angel. She should be with you, in your arms, in your home, but she is in your heart and no one can ever take that away. Try to remember the good. I know it is hard but our girls don't want us to be sad like this forever, they want us to live our lives until it is our time to meet them again.

It hasn't been that long since you lost her. It may seem, date wise, like awhile but in our minds and hearts it is still as fresh as yesterday.

I am here for you and always will be. I hope tomorrow is better for you and if it is not, take another day for YOU!!

Offline
Last seen: 5 years 3 weeks ago
Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

Well, I left work early and went to the bereaved families office and sat and had a good cry. I then went to my naturopath/chiropractor and had him make changes to my remedy and then he gave me an adjustment.

I left there and drove an hour and a half to the cemetery, trudged through the snow (rural cemetery the snow is not cleared) to visit her grave (which is at the very back of the cemetery.

Next I dropped in at the priest's house and fortunately he was available. I spoke with him for awhile. I left there and drove back home so that I could pick DS up from nursery school.

Thankfully this evening is the first Monday of the month which means it is the infant loss drop in evening.

It has been a long day and I'm exhausted but I do feel better. I can't believe I got all that done in one day considering the drive.

Thank you ladies for being there. Hugs to all of you.

Antionette
Lily Maria Kathleen :angel1: August 10, 2007

evilbarncat's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 4 months ago
Joined: 10/17/05
Posts: 21

:bighug: I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are having a bad day. The pp is right, no baby should every become an angel.

shellyhudson's picture
Offline
Last seen: 6 years 3 months ago
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

ANtionette,

I am so sorry that you are having a difficult day. It sounds like you handled the day amazingly. That is a lot to pack into a single day. If you ever want to cry or scream or vent or anything at all I am always just a pm away.

You have been a great sense of support to me. I only hope that I can be support for you.

Shelly

HopefullySoon's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 5 months ago
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

WoW you did pack a lot into one day. I hope today is a better day for you.

Offline
Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

hugs and fuzzies hun. I know how it is from what I have gone through. Istill have days like that. It is hardest hen you deliver a baby 2 lbs or more, I am so proud of you that you got the chance to access all that support in one day. You are a strong women though you may not know or feel that way right now. Hugs again.

loveya

Offline
Last seen: Never ago
Joined: 01/09/08
Posts: 19

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

~diane