This is just going to be a ramble because I need to get it off my chest.I also feel bad unloading here, becasue most posters here have the new, raw grief and mine just pops up at certain times, but I guess thats why this board is here
Here's a little of my story for those who don't know me.
Jan 06 found out I was expecting, great or so I thought. Went to appt heard the heartbeat, I was beyond thrilled. Spotted pink, freaked, went to ER, doc there said I was fine numbers high, yada yada yada. Schedule ultrasound with OB, total devastation, no heartbeat d/c, wait 1 month start trying again.
I was due Oct 06, so its coming quickly into Oct and I am getting sad again, just keep thinking that I would be planning a cute 1st birthday party, having a great time being Mom, and so forth. So really down in the dumps. I need to quit lurking on that board, makes me crazy, but I so want to see what I would have, I know it's weird. DH doesn't remember my due date, he thinks I should be past it all, but he is in another state and I know he won't even think of our angel in Oct, I know its a guy thing, but jeez, I just wish it would make him a little sad this time of year.
Now for the TTC hell, been TTC for 19 months 19 F****** months, sorry but now I am getting mad. How freaking long can it possibly take when your timing is right on every damn month. Its making me totally crazy, I just keep thinking maybe those 9 weeks of pg is all I get. If so I am going to be really mad at God for a long time, maybe we will adopt, but I want to be pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So here I sit at my comp all alone, DH is away, I just feel like crying, but I have done plenty of that in the past 19 months, I think I am going to dry out my tear ducts.lol Anyway if you got this far thanks for listening. I know you girls understand what its like.
Hugs to All
I am fearing what you are going through. We got PG on our first try and it didn't work out. Now AF is back and I am afraid it won't happen like that again. I am also afraid it will because of the possibility of M/C.
Hugs to you! Feeling in the dumps is normal and understandable. I would be a little mad at God too if I was in your shoes. And I understand feeling dumpy when the DH is away. Mine had to go away about a week and a half after my M/C...it was bad for me. Loneliness feeds that flame.
Keep the faith. Somehow, your baby is still coming.
Oh girl, I'm so sorry that you are having to wait so long for another bfp. I cannot imagine. We started trying immediately and i'm onto cycle 5 after our loss and around 20 cycles total. I never thought it would take so long. None of us did, probably a good thing or i'd be totally in the nuthouse.
I have been lurking at the Dec07 board but I try to avoid. I'm scared for that time to come when they have their babies. I wanted to at least be pregnant by then and have a little belly bump to comfort me over the EDD time.
Dont you dare apologise for coming here to vent!! We are all here for you whenever the urge strikes no matter how long it's been since your loss.
I remember you from October 06. I also lurk there occasionally and strangely it doesnt hurt so much. I can lurk there, posting occasionally and kind of mentally seperate the fact that the babies there are all doing what Zane should have been doing, meaning i can just see my friends on the board. If i stop and actually think about it though it does hurt, it's only natural.
Maybe you could send your DH a little card? Just as a gentle reminder of the time of year, but dont tell him it's a reminder. He would just think you were sending him something nice to mark the date because you're not with him...?
I am so sorry that your TTC journey is taking a while. I know that i havent had to TTC for long, i've been very lucky in that respect, but from the time i was i can perhaps understand a little how frustrating the dissapointment is month after month. Have you started any fertility treatments or testing?
I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that you are going through right now. The only thing that I know is that I am going to not do anything on the first angelversary of our precious boy. Please vent here any time. Grief is fresh and raw no matter how long it has been since the loss occurred. I pray that you find the peace that you deserve.
My EDD for my first pregnancy is coming up this October, so I think I kinda understand. It makes you think about all the "I should's" and "the baby should's". I should be finished work by now. "I should be washing out all the baby clothes and setting up the nursery." "I should have had a baby shower by now." "The baby should be here any time now." It's so hard not to fall into that way of thinking. Are you doing anything special to mark your EDD? Maybe that might help?
And I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time conceiving again. I honestly don't know what that feels like, but I think it would have driven me looney by now if it was me.
You have every right to post here. Yhose of us with that "new raw grief" need your insight to help us get through life. We need to know that the anniversaries are painful and bring up those feelings again. We need to know that it is not just our dh who do not seem to remember EDD. I told my hubby I was going to take Oct 25th (would have been c-section date) and he didn't even know that that was the date we should have met our baby girl! I didn't even bother to see if he knew her actual due date (although it is the day before our wedding anniversary).
How about other people in your life? Will any of them remember? My friend sent out cards near the anniversary of her daughter's arrival and asked each person to remember her Leia in their own way.
Please keep coming here, I found reading your thread very helpful. You are important and your insights are valued.
I am so sorry things are not working out how you wished. I actually get pregnant using IVF so if you can afford it that could be an option.
My husband and I have decided to wait so I am going on BC pills, yuck. I don't really want to but I really need to let me mind and body heal.
It will take time and I am sorry for that. Best of luck to you, I will be thinking about you.