Feeling a little down...

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flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219
Feeling a little down...

I should be happy. I'm 28 years old, back in school and on the President's List. I take my last final of this quarter tomorrow. I have three finished and I don't have to stress on them anymore. The problem is, I start a new quarter on Monday. I wasn't supposed to be starting another quarter. Tomorrow was supposed to be my last day of class until after Kaylie was here. I know it isn't a huge deal. It really is good that I get to finish with my degree on time. I guess it's just that this is the first thing that was 'scheduled' because of the baby. We decided in August that I would stop after this quarter and go back next Fall. And I almost forgot about it. I was in the kitchen and I was thinking, 'thank God, I'll be done with finals tomorrow.' and then it hit me. It felt like I got punched in the stomach. I know I'll be ok, Chris keeps coming and giving me hugs since he realized it too, but I wanted to share with people who understand. He's great and sometimes I think losing Kaylie was just as bad for him as it was for me, he isn't your typical guy by any means, but with some things, talking to him about it still isn't quite the same, comforting always, but even knowing what it feels like to be a father, and wanting more children...he still can't possibly know this emptiness...and I don't want him too.

This is going to be a huge ramble if I don't stop now. I'll be fine. These days are getting further and farther between. Thanks for listening.


CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

:bigarmhug: Each milestone we pass reminds us of our loss. It's not fair.


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry. Milestones suck, but you are strong and I know you will be able to get through it.


troynicole's picture
Joined: 12/06/07
Posts: 151

I'm really sorry! I hope something good happens today to put a smile on your face! Lots of hugs! :bighug:


Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371

Hi Amy

It is such a slap in the face when we are hit with another relization that things aren't as they should have been. YOu can be logical about it and say it is good to finish your degree on schedule but your heart still knows that you should have your baby girl inside you and not be able to get back to school on Monday.

Robin said something to me in a PM this morning that brought a smile to my face. She said that perhaps our daughters brought us together. In my heart I'd like to believe that Lily, Rebecca and Kaylie are playing together up in heaven and have found a way for us to "meet" each other to provide comfort and support.

Good luck on your last final. Try to find a way to celebrate this weekend before hitting the books again. I went for a hot stone massage before heading back to work over the holidays. It was great. Find something that will bring you some joy.


Lily Maria Kathleen :angel1: August 10, 2007

angelchristian's picture
Joined: 12/16/07
Posts: 24

I am so sorry you are having a tough day!
I keep trying to remind myself of all the blessing I do have in my life and usually it does help me through the day (not always though!)
We will have these milestones for the rest of our lives and as time goes by I hope that they become celebrations and not a time of pain and grief!
Treat yourself to something special! You deserve it--Congrats on your academic success!

Christian David :angel13: 12/9/07

HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

It is so hard dealing with the things like that, that we know we wouldn't be doing if we had our babies still. I wish I knew how to make it better for you, but I am at the same point that you are. Hang in there girl. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so sorry that you are feeling down. It is hard when you realize that you are doing something that would have otherwise been shifted to a low priority status. I hope that you feel better soon. Hugs, Shelly

Joined: 12/12/07
Posts: 18

I just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you since I read your post. I don't know if you remember me, but when I first posted my story here, your reply meant a lot to me. I'm sorry I never got the chance to tell you that before now. Anyway, this is not about me -- just wanted you to know that there are people here who can empathize with what you are feeling. I think those moments are often the hardest, when you catch yourself in a situation where you had already planned for a future that included the pregnancy or baby and you now realize you are in a different situation. I can't know what you are feeling, but if it is anything like what I feel in those moments, I just wanted to say I am sorry and I hope you know there are people here who support you -- even those who might not post often. Sending you a warm hug.


Joined: 11/30/07
Posts: 117

Im sorry hon, this must be so hard for you. Its fantastic that you are doing so well with your degree, you should be so proud, but I know what you mean, everything else fades in to inignificance when you learn you are going to have a baby.

Like someone else said, just keep putting one foot in front of the other till you get to where you feel less pain.

I also love the thought that our babies bought us together for comfort and support like tlmommy said. I hope that we are able to offer you comfort and support when you need it.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am sorry about how this is hitting you now--i know that it is so rough, it is so painful missing our little ones that should be here and not in heaven ((((hugs))))

Congrats on doing so well with your degree--you will be a well-educated mommy Smile

flutterby4's picture
Joined: 09/04/07
Posts: 219

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I don't know what I would do without you. I find out my grade from the last final on Monday. She said she'd post grades from the final test and the final class grades on the door (# coded of course!). I feel like I did well, so we'll see. The last class is the difference between President's List and Dean's List. I'm a bit nervous because a missed a few days and that really hurts our grade, but I think I can live with the 'B' and Dean's List if that's what it comes down to. Thanks again for always being here, even though I wish none of us had to be.