was feeling numb now angry

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
was feeling numb now angry

Hi ladies. My name is Robin. I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks June 97. Then I did IVF again and this time it was a blighted ovum and had a d/e around September 9th 2008. I have been feeling numb since then up until yesterday. I am now angry. I am angry that I lost two precious babies, I am angry that everyone I have ever known has children. I am officially the last in the family (brothers, cousins, 3rd cousins) that does not have a living child. My first born at 16 weeks, Rebecca was due December 3, 2007 so she should be turning 1 very soon.

I am not sad just angry that my life has turned out this way. My husband and I only have enough money for 1 more IVF round. I have 9 embryos frozen still. I am terrified that this too will end in miscarriage. We are not even going to try until Jan. I want to loose 10 pounds if possible. I still feel that being heavy is part of the reason this last embryo did not take. I am the heaviest I am ever been, the problem is I am not motivated at all to work out. Food is a comfort to me still.. I know it is early from my last lost (I was 7 weeks "pregnant" with a blighted ovum.

I just want to vent. I tried to talk to my husband last night and he got upset saying that having a baby isn't a race. I did not mean for it to come out that way. I was just stating a fact that I am the last one. I started trying before almost everyone and still am trying. Its just frustarating. All the waiting, all the money, all the shots, all the doctor appointment, and all the disappointments. I wish I wasn't feeling so negative. I feel like my body has failed.

If you listened to this rant thanks

Joined: 10/09/04
Posts: 74

:bighug: I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I haven't needed fertility treatment, but I know what it is like to experience losses and wait so desperately to have a healthy pregnancy when people around you seem to just be popping out babies effortlessly.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so very sorry for both of your losses. Please know that nothing you did or did not do caused you to lose the babies. The "extra weight" did not cause a blighted Ovum, it just happens.

You have every right to be angry! Anger is all part of the grief process. I went through the infertility treatments and know how taxing they are on you physically and emotionally.

In the past I have written letters, not to anyone specific, expressing my feelings. I have also used a pillow and yelled at that. A lot of times, just expressing verbally how you are feeling helps.

Take time to heal and grieve before you think about your next step. Those embies will be fine for a little while longer.

healinghandz1's picture
Joined: 02/16/08
Posts: 32

I understand the numb, and I understand the anger. I was so mad I couldn't see straight. You think you're doing everything right, you've followed all the rules. You graduate from college, get a good job, get married, pay off debt, and then want to start a family. But you begin to realize that what you've been told all your life isn't always true, unsafe sex = pregnancy and pregnancy = baby. All the while you see these little teeny poppers (who haven't followed the rules) are pregnant all around you.

I saw on "Amazing birth stories" a women who had one shot left on IVF. She had 4 eggs left and decided to get them all implanted. Well they all took!!

I'll be praying for you and sending you sticky bean vibes for next time.

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814


I still get angry at times over losing Damien. I can only begin to imagine what you are going through.

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Hugs Robin. I am so sorry that you are so frustrated, but honestly, I would be too. Infertility sucks, and even more than that is miscarriage and loss. Know that I am thinking about you.

And I agree, those embies will wait until you are ready.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this, it just isnt fair, for anyone! Im STILL mad and Im not sure my maddness will go away easily either when there are other people out there having kids when Im not.

I wish you all the luck in the future, whether it be near or far, that your last IVF works and you are blessed with one or more babies for you to take home. Lots of hugs!

Lace's picture
Joined: 11/20/03
Posts: 27

I've never been through IVF or the hormone treatments that go along with that but I have suffered the loss of 2 pg. I think anger is a normal response. I pray as you work through these feelings of grief and anger that you find peace and I pray you have a sticky bean in the future. Hang in there.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852


Please keep in mind that it is normal to feel anger. I know I was down right ticked off at my(insert your higher power).
Do not feel bad that you are angry, you have every right to be mad. It is not fair. It does suck 110%. But, coming here and expressing your emotions and your experiences is good therapy. Do not keep your feeling bottled up.