I have been feeling so bad. I know that is dumb to even say because of course everyone knows I have been feeling bad since I lost my baby Zara. But the past few days have been really bad. At sometimes I am feeling like I am losing control of everything in my life. I feel so anxious and just like I am going to have a breakdown at any moment. It was 8 weeks since Zara died yesterday.
Tomorrow is my brother's birthday. My brother died 2.5 years ago in an accident when he was only 22. He would be turning 25. Both of my losses so close together is really getting to me. I just feel it is so unfair that 2 of the most special people in my life were both taken from me. I wonder how am I supposed to go through life dealing with this but also knowing that so much more bad **** is going to happen. I wish I could just crawl back into bed and sleep for the next year. I sometimes wonder how I will make it to the next day so I really have to live minute by minute.
I don't feel like anyone understands what I am going through or how I feel. Everyone keeps asking me how I am doing. I want to scream that I am totally falling apart. I can't sleep. If I don't take a sleeping pill then I sit up all night having terrible thoughts about my baby being dead, like the moments in the OR when they were trying to get her to come back to life, or when they handled me my baby and she wasn't alive, or flashbacks to her funeral and that little white casket that even now it's hard to believe my baby was in. When I do sleep I have horrible nightmares about my baby being dead and I wake up realizing those nightmares are my reality. I spent so many months getting ready for my baby. I can't even handle the thought that this is all true most times. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think I am still pregnant. Sometimes I have such a strong feeling that I need to be pregnant right now, but then I start getting so panicy about the thought of this happening again. I don't know if I can ever get pregnant again knowing that these things happen.
Sorry I am totally rambling here. My life just sucks. I know I have much to be thankful for and to be happy about, but at this point in my life I can only focus on the 2 people that are missing in my life. I don't see how any of this can ever get any better.
I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I know all about not sleeping and anxiety. I have been on xanax and effexor ever since I delivered my Rebecca at 16 weeks. If this is bothersome, please see your doctor. You do not have to feel this way. It is alright to feel sad and to mourn your losses. But if it is causing you so much anxiety that you are falling apart I think you should go see your doctor. I also am seeing a therapist that is helping. You might want to try a therapist yourself, there is no shame in seeking help and talking to someone.
If you want to pm me and talk please feel free. I know all about losses, I lost my parents early in life and then my daughter.
Remember it hasn't been that long since your loss, it can take a long time to grieve. Be patient with yourself.
I see a therapist once a week for an hour and it is really helpful to just let it all out. I do have friends to talk to, but none of them understand. My therapist has two daughters, so she knows the power of a mother's love. She gives good advice. I am also going to start taking Zoloft.
I am so sorry you are hurting so bad. You have been through more than anyone deserves in a lifetime.
I hope that over time the anniversaries of these tragic events in your life will be less excruciating for you.
You are in my thoughts, Kendall
I am so sorry. It is still early days and there are a lot of firsts ahead of you. I found reading books on infant loss to be helpful. I also attended infant loss support groups. It is so unfair that we have to go through pregnancy and then delivery and at the end we don't get to bring our babies home. Babies seem to be following me this past week. They have been everywhere and I swear they are all girls!
Time is the only thing that helps which really sucks because time just helps us learn how to move forward it doesn't keep us from missing our children.
I am so very sorry that you are at this point. There are no magic words. I have been in that deep of a "blue" space [blue is not a strong enough word I know] before and only time got me out of it. Grief is a vicious task master. I am so very sorry for both of your tragic losses. The love will always be there, and with time you will be able to function once again. I cannot make any promises of anything beyond functioning as I don't know if that is possible. I have not reached that state yet myself. I do know that I have learned that it is possible to smile occasionally and not feel guilty about it (for very long). I am a great listener and am here if you want to pm.
I am so terribly sorry for both of your losses. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain, or something I could say to make you feel better. Like a pp said I cannot even begin to imagine your pain. Please dont suffer alone, see your doctor if it all gets too much. I will be thinking of you