Feeling very down... (M/C MENT)

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annabanana83's picture
Last seen: 5 years 5 months ago
Joined: 11/18/09
Posts: 3
Feeling very down... (M/C MENT)

I just found out last week that I was going to have my second miscarriage, and I had the D&C yesterday. I have no children, and my husband and I have been TTC since this time last year. I had a missed M/C in April at 12 weeks, though I tried to pass it naturally and thought I had... and it drug out till JULY of when I finally had to have an emergency D&C due to severe bleeding and cramping that came on out of the blue. I really thought everything was going to be okay this time, but I still didn't really let myself dream about being a mother like I did with the last one. I feel guilty now... last time we had names picked out and even one little outfit that we bought when we were on vacation. But with the second we never discussed names or gender or anything... we were just hoping to find the heartbeat that we never saw. I announced the news of the pregnancy to my entire family on Thanksgiving because I thought things were going to work out, since everyone was in from out of town and I was bursting to share the good news... only to find out the following week that things didn't work out. I am having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I have a lot of good friends, but not many live around me anymore. I haven't called them, just texted. I can't bear to have this conversation over and over again. I guess that's why I'm on here. I need support but I have cut myself off from everyone. My mom came and spent the day with me but I didn't let her see how upset I really am. She thinks I am much stronger than I really am. I don't really want to go back to work tomorrow, but I think it's better that I stay busy, and I'm feeling fine physically. When I'm busy and around people I can fake like things are ok and force myself not to think about it, but as soon as it's just me and my husband, or if I am alone, or trying to go to sleep, I start crying and can't stop.

I think part of the reason I don't want to talk to anyone about this is because no one knows what to say, and it makes me feel sad to hear them try and fail and say the wrong thing. People say things like "God has a plan!" Well, I don't believe in God and haven't for a long time, and if this really was part of someone's plan, I'd think they were pretty sick in the head. I work with teens and on a weekly basis it seems like a young girl comes in my office thinking she's pregnant and she's upset. And sometimes they are pregnant, and then they join the teen parents group and I have to sit in on their meetings and listen to it. It's very hard for me to deal with. These kids who aren't ready to be parents get to have healthy babies while mine die inside me. And this is God's plan?????? What a bunch of BS.

CamelNoodle's picture
Last seen: 1 year 5 months ago
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

:bigarmhug: I am sorry for your loss. I've been fortunate to only have one loss (knock on wood) so I don't know consecutive losses feel. But any loss is hard, and someone who hasn't been in your shoes has no idea how you are feeling.

People try to say things they think are helpful, not realizing how their words can still hurt. But try to look at it as their heart is in the right place.

As for getting on with your life, you need time to grieve. This dark cloud will eventually pass. You won't forget your losses, they are part of you now, but you will be able to think again about kids, but maybe not right away.

Is there another person that can take over your work with the pregnant teens? It sounds like too much to have to deal with right now.


Last seen: 1 year 7 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am sorry. You are right, people do not know what to say. I hated the “God’s plan” thing. I tried for 5 years to get pregnant and in the end adopted our son form Korea. Yet, God allowed druggies to breed like rabbits. It is not fair, it plain sucks.
Feel free to vent away, it does help. Allow yourself to grieve and do not feel guilty for not getting as excited over this baby as you did the first. Once you have a m/c you lose your innocence.

MichelleTheAuthor's picture
Last seen: 6 years 6 months ago
Joined: 10/14/09
Posts: 18

That whole "God's plan" thing was invented by idiots. I'm so very sorry for your losses, and I don't think God had some plan that causes you hurt. I was extremely ticked off and wouldn't even pray for awhile after my loss. Main reason was because of idiotic so called Christians, making me feel like God had not allowed her to live.

Well, I still believe in God, but it's not in the one that would somehow rip my heart out from beneath my womb. I believe in the ONE, who allowed me to find a place like this to find comfort. I believe in the ONE, who isn't judgemental and loves me. So don't let people make you feel condemned.

Sometimes we lose babies and there's no reason. Does it suck?! Yes! But I for one support you on this journey and hope that you're okay. And don't beat yourself up. No one should expect you to be wearing a Santa hat singing carols right now, and if they do...avoid them. Hope you're doing okay.

sunnycrest's picture
Last seen: 4 years 8 months ago
Joined: 11/13/05
Posts: 57

I can so relate. I have had three losses and it is just so horrible, that I can't even put it into words. But it is true, the dark cloud does lift in time. How long that takes, is so different though. It changes you forever but you can look to the light in time. Just talk here and realise you have every damn right to sob, cry, scream, jealousy, anger - everything. It is bloody hard, and yes the whole"God has a plan", "it is nature's way" yada, yada, yada is so bloody annoying. People do mean well when they say things like that, but yes it makes me want to punch them in the head!

I always dealt with my emotions behind closed doors and put on a brave face in public. It was my way. You just have to do what you feel.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this as I know the awful pain only too well. If you ever need to talk, please PM me. xx