Feeling very down... (M/C MENT)
I just found out last week that I was going to have my second miscarriage, and I had the D&C yesterday. I have no children, and my husband and I have been TTC since this time last year. I had a missed M/C in April at 12 weeks, though I tried to pass it naturally and thought I had... and it drug out till JULY of when I finally had to have an emergency D&C due to severe bleeding and cramping that came on out of the blue. I really thought everything was going to be okay this time, but I still didn't really let myself dream about being a mother like I did with the last one. I feel guilty now... last time we had names picked out and even one little outfit that we bought when we were on vacation. But with the second we never discussed names or gender or anything... we were just hoping to find the heartbeat that we never saw. I announced the news of the pregnancy to my entire family on Thanksgiving because I thought things were going to work out, since everyone was in from out of town and I was bursting to share the good news... only to find out the following week that things didn't work out. I am having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I have a lot of good friends, but not many live around me anymore. I haven't called them, just texted. I can't bear to have this conversation over and over again. I guess that's why I'm on here. I need support but I have cut myself off from everyone. My mom came and spent the day with me but I didn't let her see how upset I really am. She thinks I am much stronger than I really am. I don't really want to go back to work tomorrow, but I think it's better that I stay busy, and I'm feeling fine physically. When I'm busy and around people I can fake like things are ok and force myself not to think about it, but as soon as it's just me and my husband, or if I am alone, or trying to go to sleep, I start crying and can't stop.
I think part of the reason I don't want to talk to anyone about this is because no one knows what to say, and it makes me feel sad to hear them try and fail and say the wrong thing. People say things like "God has a plan!" Well, I don't believe in God and haven't for a long time, and if this really was part of someone's plan, I'd think they were pretty sick in the head. I work with teens and on a weekly basis it seems like a young girl comes in my office thinking she's pregnant and she's upset. And sometimes they are pregnant, and then they join the teen parents group and I have to sit in on their meetings and listen to it. It's very hard for me to deal with. These kids who aren't ready to be parents get to have healthy babies while mine die inside me. And this is God's plan?????? What a bunch of BS.