I go back to work on Friday (9/28). I am so conflicted about this. I want to go back to work so that I have something to focus on other than the devastating loss. However, I feel guilty for that too because I feel the most important thing to be on a mother's mind is her babies (no matter the age always my babies).
On top of that, four of my coworkers had babies in a two week span on either side of my delivery of Damien. I cannot begrudge them for their healthy children. I will not as I am happy that they do not know this pain. I just don't know if I can fake being happy when they talk about their babies. On top of that, I am worried about how people are going to react around me. Are they going to be awkward because of everything? I am assuming so at least at first. I hate that it is my fault that there will be tension at work because of me.
On top of that, the girl next to me is in her second trimester. Shortly after I get back she will be finding out the gender of her child. I am hoping that she is having a girl. I feel guilty about that because I don't want another baby boy to be born when I couldn't have mine. That is so wrong and I know it. I just can't help it. I will be happy for her because it is a blessed event, but dammit just don't be a boy.
Oh man do I sound like a nutjob. I am just so excited and yet so terrified of going back to work. Egads. Thanks for letting me ramble on once again ladies.