I go back to work on Friday (9/2. I am so conflicted about this. I want to go back to work so that I have something to focus on other than the devastating loss. However, I feel guilty for that too because I feel the most important thing to be on a mother's mind is her babies (no matter the age always my babies).
On top of that, four of my coworkers had babies in a two week span on either side of my delivery of Damien. I cannot begrudge them for their healthy children. I will not as I am happy that they do not know this pain. I just don't know if I can fake being happy when they talk about their babies. On top of that, I am worried about how people are going to react around me. Are they going to be awkward because of everything? I am assuming so at least at first. I hate that it is my fault that there will be tension at work because of me.
On top of that, the girl next to me is in her second trimester. Shortly after I get back she will be finding out the gender of her child. I am hoping that she is having a girl. I feel guilty about that because I don't want another baby boy to be born when I couldn't have mine. That is so wrong and I know it. I just can't help it. I will be happy for her because it is a blessed event, but dammit just don't be a boy.
Oh man do I sound like a nutjob. I am just so excited and yet so terrified of going back to work. Egads. Thanks for letting me ramble on once again ladies.
Moderator of the pregnancy and infant loss support board
Oh Shelly, you sound COMPLETELY normal
As far as there being some awkwardness at work....I am sure there will be a bit..That said, people will warm up to you quickly...try not to worry....Just remember we are all right there with you in spirit
I am happy that you are feeling better about going back to work, this is a good thing!!
By the way, the girl that is going into her second tri....are you sure she is going to find out?? If so...and the gender she announces ends up being a painful one for you...Take a deep breath and come here....You won't have to deal with the news alone...
Last edited by mom@41; 09-22-2007 at 11:39 PM.
Reason: edited for clarity
My word honey! Everything you wrote there is exactly how i felt about everything last year. You are completely normal in everything (either that or i'm a wierdo too )
Going back to work was hard because (for me) it really hit home just how much other peoples lives hadnt been affected by my baby's death. For me the whole world stopped turning and i lived in this coccoon at home where everyone was sorry and we all missed our little boy. At work you will see that people just got on with things. Yeah, they will have been sad and felt bad, but when all's said and done it isnt them that has to deal with this every day. To wake up every day not pregnant anymore and not having a baby right there.
Plus, for me it was a reminder of the step back i'd taken. This may be because we dont have any other children, but we were trying to begin a family and we were well on our way, but then Zane died and we were catapaulted back - not to square one - but to square minus 1. I was all of a sudden smack bang in the middle of a world i was sure i was leaving behind for a while. I had to heal before we could even try again.
As far as other people having babies goes, i am right there with you. One of my good friends had a baby girl in the February (we lost Zane in the previous October) and i couldnt see her for months. It still hurts when i see pregnant people or people with babies and i can't help it. We were shopping yesterday and there was this girl who was obviously pregnant, but she looked like a complete chav (scuffer, low life). I know it's wrong, but i made al kinds of judgements about her (in my own head of course, not aloud). I thought she probably smoked, probably had loads of kids that she didnt care for. That kind of thing. Geez! How do i know that she hadnt gone through years of infertility and even losses to be carrying that child. I know it's bad to judge people, but i can't help it. (not that this part bears any relevance to your post, i just needed to get it out ).
It's a wierd thing, but once people know you have suffered a loss like this they feel compelled to tell you about their own loss. It's very comforting to know that people have suffered like us, but gone on to have healthy families. It's nice to know that you're not alone.
There are people though that won't know what to say and they might not say anything. I am very forgiving of these people because i have to remember that if this hadn't happened to me i probably would have been the same. I am crap at comforting people, and i'm ashamed to say that i probably would have just ignored the fact that it had happened unless the other person brought it up. Not everyone is good with words, or comfortable with loss, and that can be forgiven i think.
Whether there's tension at work depends partly on you. I once said to a friend that i had to get back to work because i was tired of people thinking i was just this person who just sat at home mourning her dead son. Once i got back there and people realised i was the same person who still laughed and joked and smiled, but was just a little quiet at times, they were fine. I think people are scared we will want to cry all the time, which might be true some days on the inside, but this is work! The trick is to try and keep these things inside while we're there and it works.
Last edited by uropachild; 09-23-2007 at 05:58 AM.
I am trying to think in terms like that. I do cry easily, but I always have. I too jump to conclusions about women that I see pregnant (silently of course) even though I know that I shouldn't. I love the people that I work with and hope to get to the point where I don't have to fake the happiness that I will show for them. I just know that right now, at least half of it will be fake. I have to bow out of planning the baby shower. I might be able to do something like that come Feb. but I just don't know. I have resigned myself to taking things just one day at a time. I am just such a sea of emotions right now. I go for a few days without being absolutely done in by this and then wham! it hits me all over again as if it was yesterday. Usually for no reason at all. Then there are other times where I realize that i have had a few good days in a row and then feel guilty for that because how can I be happy when my baby isn't here? How can I go even a moment without thinking about what happened? Then that brings the guilt around because I am not being the mom that my little girl deserves to have. Oy vey!! I am such a wreck at times. I know intellectually that it does become a little easier to deal with. However, my heart doesn't seem to get that message. On top of all that, I feel guilty because my husband won't let out his grief as long as he sees me crying regularly as he feels it is his job to be my rock. I love that he is being strong for me but I hate that he won't let himself grieve as much as he needs to. He has had a few breakthrough moments where it has come out so that is progress I guess. Oh lord, look at this novel. I was only intending to say that I can relate to the things that you are feeling and thank you all for your kind words.
I agree with Marie. Things may be a bit akward but they'll come around. And if your co-worker decides to find out and if she is having a boy, like Marie said, come here. I think what you are feeling is completely normal. Again, lots of hugs and lean on us anytme.
I have heard that it is a good idea to go in to work for a visit before actually returning to work. I did that on Friday. Everyone seemed over the top friendly and it seemed sureal. I start back on Oct.1st and I'm not sure how I will handle it either. Like you I am looking forward to going back but also feeling guilty as sin.
I too found out that someone is pregnant. I said congrats to her but didn't ask the 'usual' questions. It is difficult to see pregnant women and newborn babies. My sister had her son exactly 4 weeks after my Lily was delivered still. It took me awhile before I was ready to visit my nephew. My sister told me to take all the time I needed. I did see and hold him. I was teary but he was not my Lily. I'm sure that every milestone he reaches in life will upset me but he is not my child. I'm starting to ramble. I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel about going back to work with so many babies around. I hope coming here will help us through it.