This week was my first “full” week back to work since the mc. I would have to say I had an overall good week. I only had one person ask me how my pregnancy was going and only teared up a little when I said that it didn’t work out. I ran into a person I used to work with that got married 2 weeks before me; she is 14 weeks pregnant. Is due 2 days after I was.. I am actually happy for her though.. really. No bitter feelings at all. I told her about my m/c and that I would have been due the same time and then learned she had a m/c in December …. I even walked by a very pregnant woman yesterday and didn’t even think twice about it. Infact, I thought about it when I was already down the hall and my thoughts were “ I am so proud of myself, I didn’t even notice or let it bother me!” This may seem trivial to most people, but to me, this is a HUGE step towards healing.
So my favoriate assistant and I were talking today. The first day I have worked with her since coming back. She was asking me questions and I was answering with out any thought, not a problem. She asked how I like the D&C? (meaning, did I feel it was better than having a “natural” m/c). I told her I preferred it that way (just my feelings) and she said “I didn’t get far enough to choose.” I never knew she was ever pregnant (and I had been teasing her a lot the week or 2 before my m/c that I thought she was pregnant and she kept saying no way. Turns out she was and didn’t know it 8-9 wks. She m/c last week… and hasn’t told anyone. Her husband is currently deployed so she is alone. I feel so bad for her. I honestly didn’t know what to say to her. You know how we all talk here that no one knows what to say to us, but I thought I would know what to say now because I have BEEN there…. I didn’t know what to say. She was saying she was ok and not really bothered by it, but she is in the denial stage because later when we were talking she had to “take a walk so she wouldn’t cry.” I told her to call me if she ever needed to talk and we could heal together because just talking to other people who have been through this themselves has really helped me. I just feel so horrible. She said that she didn’t need anything and doesn’t want to think about it. I don’t want to force her to think about it if that is how she needs to heal. But I have begun my healing by talking, so I am not sure how to help her. She was very open with me, so in all honestly, I hope that I have at least helped her a little by being honest and open about my m/c. THEN::: another assistant in my office was complaining about having hot flashes all day yesterday… and it was freezing. I told her to go get her hormones checked that she was probably pregnant…. In a joking way of course…. Well…… I was right…. So my goal:::: I must get pregnant within 9 months because I don’t know if I can go through seeing her grow. She is one that I have to see everyday.. don’t get me wrong.. I am also happy for her. I just think it will be harder for me to watch her grow in her pregnancy when I have lost mine. I know that having another baby will not take the place of the one I have lost… I am just really ready to have another one and will be ttc after my first AF arrives. Thanks, ladies, for listening to me ramble.
Lots of love,
Congrats on going back to work. I think that must be a pretty important step. I'm glad you really did so well with it.
It does seem like bad luck that so many pg women were working with you...how sad though that your assistant and friend lost their babies too. But that might bring a bit of understanding because now you have someone in real life you can connect with and understand. (...that sounds callous. i just think its nicer sometimes to really have someone with you. As much as I love all my computer friends... sometimes its just nicer to have someone real wrap their arms around you and let you cry.)
I hope you continue doing well with being back to work. And I wish you the very best of luck with your TTC journey when you're ready.
I'm so sorry, but I am proud you made it through the week. There is a girl where I work who is pregnant. She is due two months before I was. I have to admit that I am a bit jealous. But it get's easier everyday becase I KNOW that I will be pg again someday and I will hold my own little one. You have been a good friend to your assistant, you put the offer out there to talk, if/when she is ready it will be nice that she has somone to go to.
It sounds like you were very strong at work. Good job. I know I keep thinking I have to get pregnant quick so that I can have a big belly when my edd comes up from sprout to help ease that pain. I finally quit cold turkey going to my old birth board. And im not going to lookup any "what your baby looks like" sites anymore. Its just getting worse seeing what could have been. But thats just me.
Don't forget that you too are allowed to "take a walk" at work if you need.