Grieving for two--child ment.

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aquabelly's picture
Joined: 08/13/06
Posts: 28
Grieving for two--child ment.

This turned into a much longer, cathartic post than I intended. What I originally intended to say is at the very bottom--I can't get over the loss of what might have been twins....

Hi all--this is my second loss. My first was an early miscarriage in 2007. I then had a successful pregnancy and now have a wonderful 18 month old. I recently resumed ovulating (still breastfeeding) and I got pregnant during my second cycle. I was elated as it took us almost two years to conceive my son and I was convinced it would take equally as long to get pregnant again.

Things kept chugging along. My breasts were sore, I was nauseous and tired--everything very similar to how I felt while pregnant with my son. I met with my midwife and she suggested a dating ultrasound since I had only one period since having my son. I agreed and couldn't wait to see my new little bub. I would be 8 weeks according to my OPK's (10 weeks according to my last menstrual period).

By the time of my ultrasound appointment, I was a tiny bit concerned. By this point in my pregnancy with my son, I was very nauseous and I wasn't feeling that way at all now. I also hadn't felt the 'twinges' of my growing uterus in over a week and the pants which were too tight to button two weeks ago (I had already pulled out my demi panel maternity pants) all of sudden fit well again. But my breasts were still sore and I wasn't bleeding. I pushed these concerns to the back of my mind.

As I laid there watching the screen, waiting to see my little bub, I knew something wasn't right. She had me empty my bladder and then prepared me for a transvaginal scan. Was I positive of my dates? She asked. Yes, I was. She looked and looked and finally found a small empty sac. My spirits immediately sank.

That was on a Friday and I grieved hard over the weekend. I thought about whether to get a d&c or miscarry naturally. I still felt pregnant and resented every symptom I had delighted in only a few days earlier.

By Monday, I felt calmer and was ready to move on. I wanted to start over as soon as I could. I went to the hospital to get another scan (in order to get a d&c or meds to start the process). The ultrasound technician found two sacs, both empty, snuggled up close to one another. I was in awe and the pang of what should of been set my equilibrium off --I cried for another two days and now the thought of twins, what life would have been like with them, haunts me. I have since miscarried both sacs naturally.

I've nannied for twins so I know how challenging and wonderful they are--and that experience could have been mine. I feel like my family will never be complete without them. I've always wanted three children and this loss has solidified my desire (geesh, I think I'd have four or five children if we could afford it). It feels silly to miss what might of been, but I feel blindsided by emptiness and don't know how I'll ever stop missing them.

Thanks for reading and I'm so sorry for your loss,

Heather

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for your loss. That is the hard part about having a miscarriage, not only are you suffering the loss of a life, or in your case two, but the loss of what “could have been”. You lose the present and the future all wrapped in an ugly package. Allow yourself to grieve the loss, do not hold back. You have the right to grieve and do not allow others to make you feel guilty for doing so. Maybe you can plant a couple of tress come spring in honor of you babies.

butterflykissesx6's picture
Joined: 06/28/07
Posts: 509

:openarms: :openarms: :openarms:

Holly_Anne618's picture
Joined: 04/03/07
Posts: 1271

I'm so sorry hun :bigarmhug:

MichelleTheAuthor's picture
Joined: 10/14/09
Posts: 18

"aquabelly" wrote:

It feels silly to miss what might of been, but I feel blindsided by emptiness and don't know how I'll ever stop missing them.

Thanks for reading and I'm so sorry for your loss,

Heather

Heather, you said this perfectly. It feels so weird to miss something that might have been, but as mother's of loss we completely understand. If our friends and family could grasp this one point, they would understand why we have moments of being utterly broken.

I hope you're okay today. I am so very sorry that you had to experience this, and I send you a warm hug of support and understanding.
Michelle

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

You said it Michelle! On top of suffering a loss you are forced to “grin and bear it” or people think you have reached a point of temporary insanity. Your grief becomes a “hormonal imbalance” and you keep your feelings locked up inside to avoid being ridiculed. It feels like being kicked in the gut not once, but ten times. My mom had a miscarriage 42 year ago and still remembers. Yet, one still feels like you must cry at night when no one is watching or can hear you.

aquabelly's picture
Joined: 08/13/06
Posts: 28

Thanks everyone--it is nice to be among those who understand.

Big hugs,
Heather

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

How are you doing?