It hit me really hard last night, probably since today has been one week since the d&c. Anyhow, I just could not go to sleep, just kept thinking, and rehearing the u/s tech say, "Oh Rachel, there's no heartbeat." I got up to go read (rather than disturd dh with the lights in our room), and read for an hour, and tried to go back to sleep, and nothing. I came downstairs and looked online. I am LDS, and our church has a great website that you can look up things on any subject, from past speeches, magazine articles, etc, and I looked at everything I could find on miscarriage. It was hard, as I sat and cried for hours, but in the end, very healing. Not that I am not still sad, but I feel more at peace.
I have been currently struggling with when we will ttc. Last loss, I waited the advised 2mo, and started trying, and it took 6mo. This time, I have thought we would wait longer, because I cannot handle another loss so soon. My fear outweighs my need for another child. Anyhow, in many of the articles scriptures were quoted, such as, "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" and others, and a song I already love about not fearing because the Lord is with us. It was a great help to me, I don't know that we will start trying right away again, but some of the fear has left.
I think having a good healing cry was very helpful, though going to bed at 4:30am and waking at 8:30, has made for one heck of a headache, and I can't go to bed right now, as ds is fixing the bathroom sink. which is right next to our bedroom.
Rachel, just wanted you to know that you're still in my thoughts and prayers. I think about you often and truly hope you can mourn and recooperate in your own time, and find some peace eventually. Please KUP on your TTC journey and eventual success. Huge .
i also had a d&c 1 week ago yesterday, and i was up & down when it happened, but now i also seem to be having a really hard time. like a depression almost. as a fellow sufferer, i am truly sorry and i can only hope it gets better for you
Last edited by steubified; 06-10-2008 at 12:59 PM.
steubified, I'm sorry for your loss and d&c hon. I am slowly starting to feel better, and being that it is just over a week, I am glad for that. This is my second loss, and though I think this one hit me much harder, it does get better, not best, but better. If you ever need to talk, pm me.
Insomnia sucks. I get it from time to time too. The stress and depression of suffering a recent loss can certainly mess with our sleep patterns. They will get better (honest!), and I hope you have great sleeps from now on.
Sounds to me like you used your sleepless time productively, and in a very healing way. I think it's great that you have your church -- as for me, I don't belong to any organised religion, but I have a rock-solid, unshakeable faith in a loving and caring God.
I mention this because I personally find that faith is the antidote to fear, in all situations. Whenever I feel fearful (and I remember fearing loss, big time, when I ttc'd), I just think to myself: well, I can either be fearful, or have faith that it will all be okay. It's a choice, because I don't know what's going to happen, so it's all about how I choose to look at it. When I realize this, and choose to have faith, then I immediately stop feeling fear ... and push myself through what was troubling me.
Please hand it over to your God, Rachel. I'm sure you'll feel a whole lot better.
Thanks for sharing your touching and honest thoughts. We care about you, and we're going to help you through this.