Well, not TTC really. However there was a slight chance that I could be pregnant. I tested today and it was negative. I will test again on Saturday, but I am pretty sure that it will be negative as well. I am so conflicted. I am glad that it is negative in that I have time to grieve and physically heal but I am so sad because I would love to be pregnant again. I just want my baby.
So, I have told you wonderful ladies about how I had a hard time with seeing one lady at the preschool drop off because she has a baby boy. Well, I found out today that another one of the ladies has a small baby boy as well. I am dropping off Frankie and hear this other baby start crying and my heart broke. All I could think was how I would give almost anything to hear my son cry like that. I would love to have a colicky baby instead of empty arms every night. I started crying and had to go sit in my truck. I couldn't even drive because I was sobbing so hard. I just put my head on the steering wheel and cried and cried.
As if that wasn't enough (man when it rains it pours) it got worse when I went back to pick Frankie up. As I see my little girl I hear a mom ask the one mom where her little boy is. She is a baby wearing mom so this is a very valid question. She answers back with "Oh I left Damian at home with his dad." I felt like someone had just kicked me square in the gut with a steel toed boot. I literally couldn't breath. My mind was screaming why do you get your Damian and I don't get mine?!? Why are you allowed to be a mom to another little baby and I am not? How did I f*ck up so badly that my son was taken away from me? I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but I can't help but think that way sometimes.
Any way, thanks for letting me get that out.