Well, not TTC really. However there was a slight chance that I could be pregnant. I tested today and it was negative. I will test again on Saturday, but I am pretty sure that it will be negative as well. I am so conflicted. I am glad that it is negative in that I have time to grieve and physically heal but I am so sad because I would love to be pregnant again. I just want my baby.
So, I have told you wonderful ladies about how I had a hard time with seeing one lady at the preschool drop off because she has a baby boy. Well, I found out today that another one of the ladies has a small baby boy as well. I am dropping off Frankie and hear this other baby start crying and my heart broke. All I could think was how I would give almost anything to hear my son cry like that. I would love to have a colicky baby instead of empty arms every night. I started crying and had to go sit in my truck. I couldn't even drive because I was sobbing so hard. I just put my head on the steering wheel and cried and cried.
As if that wasn't enough (man when it rains it pours) it got worse when I went back to pick Frankie up. As I see my little girl I hear a mom ask the one mom where her little boy is. She is a baby wearing mom so this is a very valid question. She answers back with "Oh I left Damian at home with his dad." I felt like someone had just kicked me square in the gut with a steel toed boot. I literally couldn't breath. My mind was screaming why do you get your Damian and I don't get mine?!? Why are you allowed to be a mom to another little baby and I am not? How did I f*ck up so badly that my son was taken away from me? I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but I can't help but think that way sometimes.
Urgh! It sounds like a hard time. I am dreading hearing that someone else has called their baby Zane.
I know this is a bit different, but on the radio today there was a woman who had mastitis after she had her daughter and carried on breastfeeding for a while even though it hurt 'more than labour' and in the end it hurt so much she had to stop breastfeeding and she felt so guilty and cried herself to sleep over it. I know it's soooo awful, but i shouted at the radio "F*ck off c*nt! What do you know about crying yourself to sleep!!" I just dont have time for people revelling in their own misery, especially when they're making a complete mountain out of a molehill like this woman was.
Anyhoo... sorry to have my own vent on your thread. I just felt like sharing that.
About the baby's cry. Sometimes, if there's one thing that makes me hurt the most it's thinking about a baby's cry. I heard neither of my babies cry and i never will. Yet it's something that parents take for granted and even dislike.
Please let us know how your next pregnancy test works out. I hope that whatever the result you find peace with that.
A couple months after my loss, my coworker had a baby and named her "Caroline." That had been our name for the baby if it had been a girl. And she knew it. It's not like she didn't have the right to name her child whatever she wanted, but boy, it was just like all the air had been sucked out of my lungs when I heard it.
I am so sorry to hear about your awful day. I wish there was something more I could do for you. I am sending you a big hug and my thoughts are with you.
My son's nursery school has a kiss and ride so one of his teachers come out and get him from the car. This makes it easier for me so that I don't have to face other mommies. However I know most of the people in the Kiss and ride are there becasue they have lo in their vechiles and it is easier to not have to cart them in. You might check to see if Frankie's school has a Kiss and Ride program.
BTW - I taught a Frankie (girl) and a Damian - both were wonderful kids. You picked lovely names for your children.