Gosh it's been a long time since I posted here. My husband and I had a m/c in February. It was our first child. We started TTC again right after AF, and got "a hole in one." I'm almost 10 weeks pregnant right now. My m/c was at 6 weeks. Everything seems to be going well. I had m/s for well over a month. I was severely nauseated any time I was vertical. I only got relief when I was lying down. The m/s has been pretty well gone for over a week now. I know I should be happy about that, but I'm not. It was reassuring, you know? I've got the expected boob changes (they're threatening to take over the world). The belly, however, doesn't appear to be growing at all. It FEELS like it is, but I've been taking weekly belly pics, and I don't see it. My *** looks to be growing much faster, though.
Anywho, I'm just not feeling it. I don't feel pregnant. I don't feel happy. I have my first u/s coming up on June 5, and I'm terrified. I keep imagining that I go in for my u/s, and there's nothing on the screen. That this is all just a phantom pregnancy. I've also imagined that I go in for the u/s, and there's no heartbeat, which there should be by now. That the baby has died. Every time I use the washroom, I check to make sure I'm not bleeding (I haven't spotted at all with this pregnancy). I'm also not sleeping. I've called in sick to work my last 3 shifts (And others in the past few weeks as well). I'm a nurse, so I can't very well go in to work and be responsible for the lived of 12-24 patients when I've had maybe a half hour sleep the entire night (I'm not exaggerating here). It wouldn't be safe. I am really worried that I'm having a relapse of my bipolar disorder. The sleep issue is probably the biggest tip off in that regard. I tried calling yesterday to make an appointment with my shrink, but there was no answer. I'll try again on Monday. I did make an appointment with my PCP though. At least she can write me a note for work so that it doesn't look like I'm just skipping. I'm gonna call occupation health too. They might be able to do something about switching up my shifts or something. And my manager will see that I'm trying to do something about my work attendance issue.
Sorry for the novel. I just don't know what to do with myself. I've cried myself to sleep the past 2 nights. Thursday night was the first time in a long time that I cried for the baby I lost. It's like I can't even focus on this new baby at all. I feel like I'm cracking up.
Updated May 28, 2007
So I went for my doctor's appointment today. I wasn't supposed to go until after my u/s next week, but I've been having some issues, so I decided to go in early. Anywho....
I was 2 1/2 hours late getting called into my appointment. The doc came in and she weighed me. We talked about my not sleeping and my mood over the past week or so. She thinks it's a good idea that I see my shrink (I will make that appointment after I post this). While she thinks it could be the bipolar disorder, she also thinks it's just as likely that it's just anxiety from the m/c, considering the u/s is coming up next Tuesday. She asked me if I wanted to try to hear the heartbeat with the doppler, but warned me that it would be unlikely to hear anything this early. She said that usually their dopplers don't register a heartbeat until after 12 weeks, often not until 15 weeks, and I'm only 9 weeks 6 days. So I hopped up on the table and shimmied down my pants enough for her to give it a go. She tried for a good 10 minutes and couldn't fine anything. She said that the display was registering a h/b of 126, but she couldn't zero in on the sound. All we heard was my pulse (it was obvious it was mine because it was in the 60s.) Then she moved the probe up a little and we heard it! It was really low, so it was kind of hard to hear, but there it was! I asked the doctor to go get Steve in the waiting room, so I held the probe while she went to find him. I just started crying, lying there holding the probe on my belly. Steve didn't really hear it, because when the doc came back in, I asked her what the heart rate was and at that point it wasn't registering, so she tried to move the probe around a little and we lost it. For a few seconds, you could hear my pulse and the baby's heartrate at the same time, and the baby's heartrate was exactly twice the rate of my pulse. My doc said she just set a new office record for finding a fetal heart under 10 weeks. It definitely made the wait worth it.
Anywho, we left soon after that. I pretty well broke down in the car. I'm still weepy. I think I'm still processing what happened. It's just crazy.
Its hard and it does get a little easier as time goes by. I'm at 25 weeks and if it wasn't for when he started moving I thought it was a phantom pg too. Sometimes it just takes awhile to get a belly some people get them quicker then others. I'm glad you called your PCP to get an appointment and I'd call OH to. I know its hard to work and do what we do when sick or tired or just feeling run down. Your right its not safe. Are you still at the same job?
Nothing really settles us down I think until the baby is born and safe at home. I don't have a secret formula to make it easy or less stressful. We don't have the luxury of a carefree pregnancy. Try and take care of yourself and get some "rest"
I'm here if you need to talk. Also a bunch of us that have gotten pg are on the pregnancy after a loss board and it helps me a lot.
First, I have to say, I am so jealous of you. I wish I was pregnant...now, that being said, I don't blame you one bit for being scared. Heck, I'd be scared to walk if I were pregnant again. Honestly, like Sheena said, you won't feel settled till you are holding your LIVING child in your arms. Please don't go to the ultra sounds, dr visits, or anything alone. I hope it is ok for me to say that I am jealous of you...it isn't a malicious feeling...because in the same breath, I am happy for you and PRAY that this baby is perfect.
I don't know what to say, except I totally sympathize where you are coming from. I"m so proud of the steps you have taken to take care of you and your baby. I'm sure it wasn't easy to call work and your support system, at least I have a hard time making that first step. But you have done that and its a good thing. Good for you in being in tune with your body and emotional health. I'm sure that people will help you and get thru your pregnancy once you go to them. Your employer will appreciate your hard work, dedication and honesty i'm sure.
I have read other women who have spent along time ttc and talk about worrying their entire pregnancy. Its so common, us women worry about if we get pregnant, once we are, we worry about the baby, then we worry for the rest of our lives about our child growing up etc. But somehow we have to remember to take care of ourselves.
Keep on venting and letting your concerns out, its healthy and we are here for you!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks everyone. Just a little update since yesterday. I went to a friend's housewarming party last evening for a couple of hours. She's one of the only people who know's I'm pregnant. She was so sweet and understanding. And it was actually good to get out of the house for a change. I went to bed at midnight and I actually slept. I didn't wake up until my alarm went off at 6 am. I called in sick again, because I just needed to sleep. I went back to bed and slept til 12:30. It was so good to be able to sleep. I'm scheduled to be off work monday and tuesday of this week anyways, so I'm going to try and get stuff straightened out with OH, and my shrink and my family doc in those couple of days. Hopefully things will start looking up really soon.
I'm so glad things are lookng a little better now and you managed to get some sleep. I also have up and down days, but i never have any days where i feel optimistic at all. I guess that's what comes with loosing a baby.
I hope you get to make that appointment with your therapist soon and you are doing the right thing by staying off work. My job isnt as 'life and death' as yours at all, but if it were i wouldnt go either. Work is so hard at the moment.