Having problems

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Joined: 11/29/05
Posts: 49
Having problems

Although I was "only" 9 wks along and it has been about 9 wks since our loss I am feeling totally tired and exhausted. Although I think I have managed to "move on", ie am now able to look at babies without tearing up and can talk with women at work about friends babies etc, and I am feeling reasonably happy and optimistic about my life and the future - I am just so tired. DH had booked a holiday for us in NZ (his family gathering - 8 brothers and sister, their kids etc) for Feb. Although I like his family the thought of going on this holiday just fills me with exhaustion. We were planning to stay in NZ for 10 days, trip around the countryside, and then spend the last 4 days in the family Mari (SP?), with all the other relos. And even though it's only 4 days surrounded by lots of people, even the thought of tripping here and there makes me feel just tired. If I go on a holiday I want to just go to one place of sun, sand and sea - where the only thing I have to do is get up, put on a sarong, walk out the door, flop by the ocean - AND REST. When I was in the worst part of my grief DH came to me and said we would go somewhere else, my choice, instead of NZ where I can just relax and take it easy. I felt so loved and understood and thought I would have something to look forward to. About 4 wks later DH decided that it would be too much hassle to change the flight tickets after all and we will go to NZ - but I don't want to. And I'm very hurt and disappointed that he seemingly just told me something nice when I was sad (which I still am, but not as obviously) and then thought I was over it now so we would do his thing after all. I'm sick of it all - but I also feel a bit like a brat turning down a nice hoiday to NZ (where I have been several times and is very nice). I've spoken to DH about this a few times and although he says I don't have to go with him, it's said in an abrupt, begruding way (because I would be just as happy to stay home), and I'm starting to resent what I feel is him always putting his needs/wants first. Am I being a big sooky-brat. And is this feeling of lethargy normal. :cry:

Joined: 09/18/07
Posts: 371


I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Could DH want to go to NZ because he "needs" his family? I woner if he is maybe feeling like he wants that connection to home to help him through the grieving process. It is hard to say how you are going to feel about it come February but he certainly seems to be laying on the guilt trip pretty thick. Even though you'd like to stay home you'd probably prefer to go somewhere besides NZ together.

So often it is us women who give in and put their feelings/needs ahead of theirs. Have you asked him why he changed his tune? If it is only becuase he doesn't want to go through the hassle of changing the tickets then perhaps if you took on that "hassle" for him he'd be open to going elsewhere.

Take Care


Joined: 11/29/05
Posts: 49

Thanks for the response. It isn't the connection to family, he isn't really grieving that much. Like many men he doesn't really see our loss as losing a baby - "at 9 wks its just a group of cells after all" - not to me though. He was only in NZ early this year seeing his family - I didn't go that time. But with every phone call I was told how cute the 1 yo nephew was, who was living where he was staying. And on his return day home I received (from his sister) a really cute email of DH and baby together. This upset me deeply as we had decided to discontinue IVF as it was not working and I had been facing the prospect of infertility. As for the hassle of the ticket, it's not just the physical hassle - it's also the extra few hundred dollars, etc...I'm starting to think that he is just a selfish man. I would definately rather us all go somewhere else, or even just me and DD if it came right down to it! I really apprecaite your input though, thanks.

Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 456

Just wanted to send a :bighug: your way...

I do not think that you are being bratty....You lost your baby... Even if your dh does not see it that way, he needs to respect the fact that too you, you did not just lose a bunch of cells....

If he would get out of his shoes, and into yours...I see no reason why he shouldn't be able to find some middle ground in regards to a vacation that you all could enjoy....


Joined: 11/29/05
Posts: 49

Thank you. DH has given some sympathy and did concede that, as far as it goes, we really did lose a baby (for me at least anyway). But now if I bring it up trying to explain why I don't really feel very sociable (plus holidaying with family is not always so relaxing, people say things unwittingly sometimes!), he gets a bit snarly and asks how long I'm going to throw that up for. His middle ground fix is we go off around NZ on our own and then 4 days of family gathering; I just don't go; or I go off somewhere else with DD (the latter 2 said so begrudgingly that I feel bad if I don't go). I guess the other option is that I go to NZ and don't attend the family gathering, but if I am in the country I feel that this would be just plain rude of me. This all sounds so petty and pointless really, but I think the really bottom line is me feeling that my needs/feelings sometimes don't count very much - and not particularly just with this issue. If you have gotten this far, thanks for reading, sorry it's all a bit silly. Maybe I need a little time out, I may head out to the country shak for a couple of days and travel in from there. Thanks for the support you have all given me over the last few months.

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

Hey hun. I'm sorry DH isnt being the most understanding towards you. Perhaps he feels like he's giving you the "tough love" treatment to try and help with your grieving?

I do feel for you and dont believe that he did a nice thing by offering to go somewhere else and then changing his mind. But, on saying that, i am aware that the holiday isnt until February and i know that you will feel a lot different by the time it swings around. You may not still want to go exactly, but it will probably be a lot easier to suck it up and just go.

Maybe you wont want to just suck it up and go, and that's fair enough too. DH should at least allow you the freedom to choose to go somewhere different. I dont think that's unreasonable.

I totally understand that men and women grieve differently and i'm sure that the men understand it too, but it upsets me when i read about them not making allowances for it. It does seem to me like they think they're helping by pushing women into 'normality', when this might only serve to damage their relationships. When will they realise that they can't "fix" everything? :comfort:

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time with your husband. I hope that things work out for you. You may feel completely different by Feb. I agree about talking with him and asking why he changed his mind. Hang in there.