Having a rough time
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  1. #1
    rh1430
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    Default Having a rough time

    Hello everyone. I had another miscarriage in August. The baby's heart just stopped beating. The chromosome test came back and it was a boy. He had an extra strand of 10 chromosome so their was no way he was going to survive.

    I am having a really hard time with this lost. I think it is harder this time because it was a natural pregnancy. I was never able to get pregnant on my own before they were all IVF babies. It is also harder this time because I am 35 and I think my body is done trying for a baby. Adoption is way to expensive and my heart breaks every time I think that I will not have a living child.

    I have to pretend to be strong because my husband, although understanding, can't bare to see me hurt the way that I am. My friends don't get it and my family and I aren't very close. I feel so alone this time. When I lost my daugher at 16 weeks gestation everyone knew I was pregnant and were with me when I went into preterm labor and to the hospital. But this time I was only 7 weeks and we told no one. After my loss and D/C I told a few people but it hurts that many just shrug it off.

    I am hurting and I am sad. I feel stuck and I know that it is a process, I just want to heal already and move on.
    Last edited by missy8632; 10-12-2010 at 09:01 PM. Reason: remove siggy

  2. #2
    Online Community Director MissyJ's Avatar
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    {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} I am so very sorry for all of your losses. Each and every one is painful, but certainly I can understand why this particular one is hitting you a bit differently. I am glad that you were able to get the testing done. It will help (in time) with having some closure to have at least some of those questions answered.

    The relationship issues that you mentioned are actually part of today's topic discussion. Your spouse sounds fairly typical. He doesn't want to see you hurting and likely feels helpless. Many are "fixers" and talking about it doesn't do that (NOTHING does!) so they clam up. I believe this difference was one of the biggest hurdles for my husband and I and at times can still be. I have a *need* to talk and remember. For me that IS a part of *my* path toward healing. For dh though? HA! As you said, he can't stand for me to be hurting. It unnerves him.

    Regarding the rest of my family/friends -- again, only those that have traveled this road seem to be able to understand. Others, really may not mean to be insensitive, but don't realize how their comments can prove to be not only painful but heartwrenching. Those comments of "you can try again" or "You're *lucky* you weren't as far along" or "Just adopt!" as if the solution is simply to find a replacement child? Again, I KNOW they may mean well and are likely at a loss as to what to say. When advising others, I think that the best thing is simply to stick with "I'm sorry for your loss."

    From what I am gathering from your post, this was the first natural pregnancy that you have had? While you were "only" 7 weeks, does not mean that you did not already have dreams, hopes, and already were bonding with your little one. It certainly does not make your loss any less of one. (((((((HUGS)))))) I wish that I could wave a magic wand and help relieve some of your pain. Of course, if I had a magic wand - no one would experience this journey in the first place.

    Since you know that your baby is a boy, have you considered naming him? I understand that some may not find this helpful, but naming our loss angels was again, a part of my personal path of healing. I think it helps me to be able to think of them by names (in some cases I didn't know the gender but still did name those babies as well.) For some, having something tangible in remembrance of their pregnancy and little one can help. We're going to be discussing ideas for that tomorrow.

    You are right that this is very much a process. Since those around you IRL may not be able to understand (or can't handle your pain as with your dh), please do reach out and talk here. I assure you that there are others here that have 'been there' and while no one has the ability to make this better - having others that do know what you are talking about does help. I've also provided additional resources for support in the announcement for our Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day events which can be found at the top of any board page.

    You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    ~Missy

  3. #3
    missy8632
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    Honey, my heart aches for you. Missy J had some awesome advice, as always.

    But, as an adoptive mom do not give up! Adoption can be expensive, but look into foster to adopt or becoming a foster parent. We adopted Jonathan from Korea. If you are open to a child with special needs, from any country, many time there are grants available to help with the cost. PM me and we can chat.

  4. #4
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    You have been through so much, and I can't tell you how sorry I am. My heart is breaking for you, and my thoughts and prayers are with you

    ~Mary

  5. #5
    Posting Addict mommys's Avatar
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    I am so sorry to hear how much pain you are still in. I want to bop your friends on the head! I do understand though, I've seen that reaction too. Do you know anyone that you are close with who has had a miscarriage? I found that they are really the most understanding and you really need someone to talk with!

    It is harder because you had not told anyone. After my miscarriage in August, I was glad most people knew. My close friend had miscarried a month previous and almost no one knew. It made it really hard for her because she didn't have anyone to pray with her during the loss, etc.

    My DH has been similar to yours. He eventually told me that the only way he knew to deal with it was to pretend it never happened. That was so different from my reaction.

    Please don't give up just because of your age. I had a similar reaction and my MW told me over and over that it was no reason to stop. 35 is an age that has made us afraid but PLENTY of women have healthy babies after 35. Just give yourself more time to emotionally heal, maybe JLIH for a while.

    Please remember that your body did exactly what it was supposed to do. I know how hard that is, but it is nothing you did and nothing you could prevent. Since you have the lab results, you know for sure that it was an abnormality. Please take comfort in knowing that just because this happened doesn't mean it would happen again. These things happen at all ages too.

    Can you find a way to memorialize your loss? In my case, I planted a rose bush and it really helped me. You would want to find someone to help you through the process of picking it out and planting it. What about writing a letter to your baby so you can express your feelings?

    I know I wrote a lot and much of it may not have been the right thing to say, but I really just want to give you a huge hug and let you cry through this tough time. Please feel free to PM me anytime or even just continue posting. Huge hugs and many wishes for healing.


  6. #6
    Posting Addict ashamom27's Avatar
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    Oh sweetie I am so sorry! You and your baby boy will be in my thoughts.
    Have you thought about a name for him?
    I hope that your life's journey will lead you to being a mom to a living child.

  7. #7
    Community Host Alissa_Sal's Avatar
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    I just wanted to give you a big hug and tell you that you are in my thoughts. I don't really have any helpful advice (which I hope is okay, since you already got some really great advice from Missy and others) but I did want to tell you that I'm here for you and my best wishes are with you. Hugs, hon.
    Last edited by missy8632; 10-29-2010 at 09:31 PM. Reason: remove siggy

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