Healing After a Loss
Today's topic for discussion for our Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Event is centered on "Healing After a Loss."
Finding a path towards healing is different -- for every woman, every pregnancy, every loss.
Was there something that has (or is!) helped you along your journey? Perhaps early on, a friend was there simply to listen. Maybe you found a tangible way to recognize and honor your child's memory that enabled you to heal a little more. Did you connect with a group - either online or in real life?
Join in and share what helped you!
I had a friend who had been through a miscarriage recently, between her and my other close friends, I was able to talk openly about my loss. It was painful but really helped.
In addition, I planted a rosebush in memory. My friend came with me to pick it out and also helped me to plant it. I will be forever greatful to her for the help. Planting the rose felt like a good step of closure for me. I see the pretty roses all the time and it is both a sad and happy memory.
Well, not much help out there for grandparents I'm afraid. People are inclined to ask how the parents are doing...which is great!...but many don't get it that we continue to grieve too.
My solution is to use the riding mower a great deal. Seriously, being outside alone with my thoughts helps a lot. I love photos too, of ALL the grandchildren. Speaking about them and comparing and keeping Reed's spirit alive are all wonderful. Memories of our visits with Reed bring mixed emotions. I eat lots of raspberries...which he loved... and think of him as I do so. I also remember his shouting "YAYAYAYAYA!" at top volume. Then I try to think of reasons to say YAYAYAYAYA to life myself. ;)
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This Hopi prayer offers me something at any time of year as I look out my window....
Do not stand at my grave and weep </td></tr></tbody></table>
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glint on snow
I am the sunlight on the ripened grain
I am the gently falling autumn rain
When you wake in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circling flight
I am the soft starlight at night
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
There really isn't much that helps when you suffer a loss.....that pain is so unbearable, that sometimes it can be too much.
The one thing that I do credit for helping me get through those early weeks and days is writing. I put my heart and soul into my sons website, writing down his story. While I sat and relived those moments that I held my son, the pain wasn't so bad. I could still see him there before me and smell him and feel him. Writing down my story helped me to see what I really felt inside. It helped me to mourn and heal a little bit at a time.
I recommend making a website, or starting a blog and write what is on your heart. You don't even have to share that website or blog with anyone.....even writing in a journal would be helpful. Its nice to get what you are feeling out in the open. It makes you think and really pick apart your own brain and heart. Its also nice to be able to go back later and read about it over again after some time has passed. I wrote everything down as soon as I could so that I would not forget a thing......not that I ever could forget my son and all that we went through.
Talking was also another thing that helped i guess. I found it helped to talk about my sons birth, and life and passing repeatedly. I don't know what it was about it, but it did help......
With our loss, we found so much solace in our religion (lots of Christian ideals ahead!)
Knowing that our Lord does not want us to hurt, and that he only takes those who need to be taken was just about the only thing that took that pain down to a managable level. While we went through the anger phase and the depression phase naturally, it was prayer and the understanding that we would again meet our Angel in heaven. I really took comfort in the fact that she was taken to Heaven before she could ever feel pain or hurt. I thanked him every day for letting her go home when she did...
While I will probably never fully understand why she was taken, I KNOW in my heart that there was a good reason. ANd when God sees fit, he will give me that knowledge. And that has gotten me through many many tough days.
Of course, the amount of support from this forum was beyond measure. I cannot tell you how many times I went and read the encouraging words from friends and strangers alike. The outpouring was and still is one of the most wonderful things I have ever experienced. Since that day I have tried to offer the same amount of love that I was given.