I havent been around this week posting, but i've been lurking here and there.
It would have been Zane's first birthday on Tuesday, so DH and i got a cute 1st birthday balloon and released it with a note on it. I took some pictures for my scrapbook too. A lot of the ladies i know from preg.org also sent up baloons for him, so i am completely over the moon about that. I hope he shares them with Ada in heaven!
Wednesday was a year since Zane died so we went for a walk in the crematorium gardens. His ashes were sprinkled there, but he has no marker. I didnt cry while i was there. It just reaffirmed to me the reason why we didnt get a marker. Zane isnt there and he never was. I carried him in our home and everywhere i went with me for nine months while he was alive. The crematorium isnt the right place for us to go to grieve. We grieve every day at home. Wherever we are and whatever we do. We feel the gap he left quite strongly no matter what.
I'm still feeling incredibly sad a lot of the time and often find myself sitting vacantly staring, thinking about nothing in particular. I called the counsellor on Friday, but she wasnt there, so she will call me back this week. I'm still have the odd problem sleeping, but i think it's born out of daytime lethargy rather than genuine insomnia.