I havent been around this week posting, but i've been lurking here and there.
It would have been Zane's first birthday on Tuesday, so DH and i got a cute 1st birthday balloon and released it with a note on it. I took some pictures for my scrapbook too. A lot of the ladies i know from preg.org also sent up baloons for him, so i am completely over the moon about that. I hope he shares them with Ada in heaven!
Wednesday was a year since Zane died so we went for a walk in the crematorium gardens. His ashes were sprinkled there, but he has no marker. I didnt cry while i was there. It just reaffirmed to me the reason why we didnt get a marker. Zane isnt there and he never was. I carried him in our home and everywhere i went with me for nine months while he was alive. The crematorium isnt the right place for us to go to grieve. We grieve every day at home. Wherever we are and whatever we do. We feel the gap he left quite strongly no matter what.
I'm still feeling incredibly sad a lot of the time and often find myself sitting vacantly staring, thinking about nothing in particular. I called the counsellor on Friday, but she wasnt there, so she will call me back this week. I'm still have the odd problem sleeping, but i think it's born out of daytime lethargy rather than genuine insomnia.
You have been through so much this year Sarah. I can't even begin to think how I would react. But, you're right about one thing...Zane and Ada will live forever in you and Scott's heart. They will be part of your lives and you will never forget that brief period of time when they were with you both.
sounds crazy I know but I lurk here quite a bit, you are all so strong and I get by many days by using your positive attitudes and wisdom.
I was talking to my mom tonight (my dad will be dead one yr Nov 7th) and we were talking about life and passing and my dad being in a better place than living with cancer and the pain.....I mentioned you and your story of loss to her and she cried for you as I am now and do often. It seems so cruel for one person to experience so much loss, I did not realize that Zanes birthday was already here ( I have followed your story for a while now) but I hope that there is some peace in knowing that your strength helps many who are not as strong get by.
I feel as though I am rambling and I feel a bit out of place posting but I wanted to tell you that I think of you and your family often and pray for your peace and happiness every time you enter my thoughts.
I am off to bed....the alarm will be going off before I know it. I will pray for you, DH, Zane and Ada while hoping that your two beautiful babies are playing with all the balloons filled with love that were sent to them. I know that Zane will be the big brother and share with sweet Ada. You are strong beyonds words and an inspiration to many.
I cannot even imagine the things that you have went through. Your strenght is such an inspiration to me. You are such an amazing woman and I truly look up to you. I was unable to release balloons for Zane, but I thought of all of you on that day. I wish you peace and serenity.