Help of a different kind needed

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Last seen: 5 years 1 month ago
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Help of a different kind needed

Hello Ladies
I need to vent. My DH is driving me crazy. He has always been a very difficult man to live with. He is a homebody and very pessimistic. He gets ticked off very easily. He is a type 1 diabetic and he doesn’t take care of himself properly. He is depressed but won’t admit it and won’t take AD. He refuses to see a counselor (and I am not prepared to give him an ultimatum).

He got angry at me on Christmas day and we have barely spoken since. We were up at his aunt’s together but I drove him home and came back up because I love it up here and I needed a break from him.

I want to make my marriage to work but I’m at my wit’s end. His family all know what he is like and they are very supportive of me. I try not to talk about him with my family because I know they would tell me to leave him. I don’t want to do that I want to keep my family together.

I know that he is also grieving but he doesn’t talk about it to me or anyone else. How do you help someone who doesn’t think they need help?

Did anyone else have difficult times with their spouse after losing their child? I think it has gotten worse since we lost Lily. We still have another child together and I really want to keep our family together.

I know this doesn’t quite fit under grief and loss but I think I’d feel better posting with you ladies then posting this on the relationship board.

Any ideas or words of wisdom?

Antionette
:help1:

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Last seen: 3 years 10 months ago
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I think losing ranks pretty high in causes for divorce. Its hard, stressful, and draining. DH and I are having many of the same issues. Men are taught to be strong and its hard for them to let it out. I'm not sure you can really help someone who doesnt want it. They have to be willing. Even if you do get him to go and hes not 'into' it hes not going to get much out of it. Have you tried writing your thoughts to each other down? Sometimes that works for people. I hope you figure something out. ((HUGS))

Karen

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I wish you would have told me that on the phone. Yes my husband and I have had our moments as well. I thinks that I am not moving on and I think he is depressed as well. I think it happens to many marriages after loss. You need to keep communication open. Not talking is the worse thing you can do. I am sorry you are having a rough time.

I hope getting away was a little relaxing for you.

Robin

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Your DH sounds just like my dad. He was difficult before my sister died, but after it happened he's been exactly as you've described. I know the situation is different because my parents have no kids living at home anymore, but my mom works full time and went back to school, and stays busy with the grandkids so she doesn't have to be at home with him. She also gives him projects to do, and gets frustrated when nothing is done. I think it is definitely a depression issue for him. The anger for my dad is because he can't process his feelings. He has only two emotions. Happy and Mad.
As difficult as it's been the last few years, my parents still care for each other and depend on each other. I hope your DH is willing to at least try some changes to make it a little easier on you, and better for his health. Maybe you could explain to him how this behavior hurts others and you know he wants better for his child. Sorry If I've gone overboard, I know you're in a tough situation and just hoping to help.

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I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch. I would imagine that it's very hard to deal with on top of the grief for your loss. Sad I don't have any advice to hive, just hugs.

:bighug:

Sarah
Mum to...
:angel2: Zane. Delivered by c-section at 41 weeks. Died due to Vasa Praevia. 16-17 October 2006
:angel2: Ada. Delivered by c-section at 25 weeks. Her heart just stopped. No explanation. 7 September 2007
Co-Host of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support.

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My husband and I had a lot of problems after our loss too. In some ways, it was probably the most difficult time during our entire ten year marriage. For some couples, a loss brings their relationship closer in shared grief. For others, like us, it drove a wedge between us. Our problems mainly had to do with the fact that my husband didn't seem to want to grieve at all, but prefered to act like nothing had happened but a simple medical situtation. I needed him to be there for me emotionally, but I think it hurt him too much so he just couldn't talk about it or be there for me. It was easier to just bury the feelings for him. That left me feeling very lonely.

Anyway, like all things, it did get a lot better with time and I'm hoping it will for you too. I'm so sorry you're going through this on top of everything else. My best advice would be to do whatever you need to do to find some peace for yourself, whether that's spending time at your aunt's or anything else. If you can get through this now, you'll be better able to deal with your husband and problems in the weeks ahead.

Tamara

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Antionette,

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I asked Dave to go to one of my counseling sessions with me. It was not for him, it was for me. It worked for us because he was open to it and actually answered the counselor's questions openly and honestly. I don't know if that would work for you. It may come down to you having to give an ultimatum. I am not saying the "do this or I am outta here" kind but you may have to put your foot down. The hard part is if it comes to that, you have to stick to your guns. Family is everything and I applaud your great efforts to keep yours intact. I hope that you find the answers that will work for you.

Shelly

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Men are so differnt from women. They grow up thinking that crying makes one weak.
I would first start with counseling for yoruself. They will be able to give you some techniques so that you can cope with the situation. At some point, you can bring him to a session with you. Better yet, see if there is a grief counselor in your area. My brother and SIL had a counselor come right to thier house so the setting was comfortable.

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Last seen: 5 years 1 month ago
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Thanks ladies

I don't know what I would do without all of you.

I actually went to church yesterday (2nd time all year - I'm very naughty). Anyways, the mass was about the importance of family. It so hit home with me.

I am going home tomorrow. I've been up at his Aunt's since Christmas day (he was with me for a couple days and then he had to go back home to work). I am hoping the few days apart will help. (although we've called home to talk to him everyday)

Thanks again
Antionette