Here I am again...
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  1. #1
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    Default Here I am again...

    This is my whole story...it's long.

    My SO and I have been together for 15 years and have been having unprotected sex for 12 years. Children just never happened and we're both in agreement that fertility treatments are not for us.

    In August 2006 everything changed.
    As usual we had unprotected sex and four days later I began to spot. I also noticed my sense of smell was more sensitive and my eyesight changed. I spotted for 15 days and never had a period. Then my breasts swelled and got painful, I had nausea, a metal taste, and ligament pain. I took 10 tests in 7 weeks and they were all negative. I finally got my GP to do a blood test and I passed a quarter size purple clot the day the test came back negative. It took me 3 months to have a normal cycle again.
    I was told by 4 doctors that there was simply no way this was a pregnancy.

    Then in December 2007 it happened again. Change in eyesight, sensitive smell, ligament pain, nausea, sore breasts, missed period with 13 days of spotting. 8 tests in 5 weeks were all negative. Blood test came back showing peri menopause. My doctor appointment was the day my period finally came and it was VERY heavy. The doctor told me it was dangerously heavy and no matter how many times I told him it wasn't normally so, he wouldn't listen. He wanted to do a proceedure that would burn away my uterus lining and make it impossible for me to be pregnant. He actually told me that I was cramping badly, I just didn't feel it.
    I never went back to him.

    Then it happened a 3rd time in May 2008.
    I came down with a horrible sore throat and after 4 days went to he doctor. He said it was a lung infection and gave me antibiotics. Then my SO injured his shoulder so nothing happened that cycle until after I was late.
    Being late confused me because I'm never late. Not when I did drugs years ago, not when I drank, not when I was caring for my ill mother, not when my mother committed suicide. I've never been late. When I was 6 days late we had sex to see if it would bring on my period.
    Nothing.
    Then about 10 days later I was hit with all the symptoms. Eyesight changed, smell, metal taste, nausea, sore boobs. I figured my body was tripping out again and ignored it all. Then I developed an obsession with sugar. I would have eaten straight sugar if I could have tolerated it. (grainy foods made me throw up.) I called my GP thinking maybe I was turning diabetic and wanted a full physical...which was 6 weeks from then.
    Then on August 11 I woke feeling better, completely normal and knew I would start my period. I did and it was horrible heavy but I figured because it had been so long.
    I felt so great it was almost like euphoria.
    Then on August 13 I woke up in the worst pain I could imagine. It felt like a firey hand was inside me trying to pull my uterus out. I was bleeding bright red and pouring clear liquid. I was rushed to the hospital where I was told I was 8 weeks pregnant. 45 minuted later I was told there was no heartbeat and I was sent home to pass it. That happened the next day, which was the 6th anniversary of my mother's death. What I passed this time was identical to what I passed in 2006, there was just more of it.
    After a severe bout of postpardum depression I decided I didn't want to ever be pregnant again. I felt it was something my body just can't do and the idea left me cold and angry.

    Then in March 2009 it started again. 4 days after ovulation I noticed my eyesight changed. My period came 2 days late but it was only 2 hours with 6 days of spotting.
    Then 4 days after CD 14 I started having ligament pain so bad I couldn't walk. I was put into a pelvic brace just so I could go to work. I wore the brace for 8 weeks.
    My next period was again 2 days late and was again 2 hours with a week of spotting.
    I began to notice that my sense of smell was more sensitive but I had not had sex since my last period.
    Then I missed a period.
    I was shocked when my test came back positive and I immediately called my GP for a blood test. That came back positive And I made an OB appointment.

    I had an ultrasound on June 19 and the baby measured 6 weeks 4 days with a strong heartbeat. We got to see it and hear it.
    Our second appointment was July 3 (the day after my birthday) and the doctor wanted to confirm the heartbeat since I had had one miscarriage and I am over 40.
    This time the baby measured 7 weeks with no heartbeat.
    He offered to send us to the hospital but it was late on the Friday before a holiday weekend and the dr was going on vacation so we wouldn't know anything for 2 weeks, so we opted to just wait 2 weeks. Our next appointment was schedualed for July 22.

    When I announced I was pregnant at work (I had to because of the nature of my job) people didn't understand my lack of excitement. I was happy and hopeful, but something just wasn't right and I couldn't get attached. The baby just couldn't be 6 weeks. It had to be more like 12 weeks because we didn't have sex while I was in the brace. The dr estamated my conception for 2 days before my period was due...on day 22 or a 24 day cycle.
    I just knew something was wrong and I wasn't at all surprised when there was no heartbeat.

    My symptoms slowly went away and I noticed my eyesight reverting as I just waited to start bleeding. The dr offered me a script for painkillers but I'm an addict (clean 14 years) and I refused. I survived it once, I can do it again. I figured I would know when I needed help and I'd just rather be alone for the trauma. The dr told us to go to the emergency room if we had a problem and he'd be back in 2 weeks.

    I started spotting 4 days ago and it was almost a relief. That was our confirmation...our baby was gone. Then the spotting stopped.
    2 days ago I was at work and my hands started to shake. Then my vision went blurry and I suddenly got very hot. Then I started having hot stabbing pains in my Uterus. I called the dr's office and asked should I go to the er or could I see an alternate doctor.
    I was sent to an alternate that day.

    This doctor is far more aggressive and appauled at my lack of care. Why has no blood work been done? Why was I left hanging for 2 weeks? So I didn't want two ultra sounds in one day, fine...draw blood. If the dr is out of town...he should have handed us off to another dr instead of blowing a kiss and saying "God go with you!"
    We were sent to the hospital and told within 2 hours that the baby measured 8 weeks with definitly no heartbeat. It was officially a missed miscarriage. Because it's been 3 weeks I am schedualed for a D&C on the 22nd.
    I also asked for a tubal ligation.
    I'm lightly spotting brown and passing small back blood clots. Every time I walk I start to cramp, every time I eat or drink I start to cramp, but I'm still not bleeding.

    I'm so fed up with my bodies inability to do this that I can't even mourn my baby.
    People keep telling me that this is god's will but I don't see that. What is his will in having my body fake me out so that when I'm really pregnant I let it die without a thought. Then I get a miracle conception only to have that pulled back and now it's poisoning me.

    This new doctor asked if we wanted to try again and I said "No, in fact I was hoping that when you did the ultra sound you'd slip and carve out all my reproductive organs." Then I asked if I could have cement injected into my tubes.

    People like to tell my this is just hormones and I don't really feel this way. They like to tell me to give it a few months a try again. Try for what? Another miscarriage? Another phantom pregnancy? It's just seems so easy for people with children to tell me how I'm supposed to feel.

    My biggest regret about having surgery is that I will have to remove my earrings and I just got a new piercing. It's my dead baby's birthstone.

  2. #2
    FeliciaRollier
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    I'm so sorry for all your losses! The loss of a loved one is never easy, no matter what. Don't you listen to all those people giving you advice. Only you can decide what is best for you. Hugs! You will be in my thoughts!

  3. #3
    Posting Addict HarleyGurl's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your losses

  4. #4
    missy8632
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    I am sorry for all you have been through.

  5. #5
    Posting Addict kerina313's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this trouble. I know what it's like to lose early and not have them believe you. The only person that knows their body is YOU. If you feel like you can not mentally or physically go through this again - then that is your decision.

    As far as comments - well you either grin and bear it or you tell them how you really feel about their comment and deal with the fallout later.

    *hugs* I hope you find peace and heal soon.

    Erin

  6. #6
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    I'm so sorry for all that you've had to go through.

    Though I have not been through what you have, I do understand not wanting to try again. That is where my dh and I are at right now. We may, and probably will at some point, change our minds, but at this very moment, we don't want to risk going through the emotional and mental (and my case, physical) turmoil again anytime soon.

    I hope you can find peace at some point, no matter what you decide. You will be in my prayers.

    ~Mary

    PS: I am late posting on this and noticed you said your D&C was scheduled for the 22nd, which was 2 days ago. Did you have the surgery? How did it go? How are you feeling now?

  7. #7
    Prolific Poster WhiteWolf68's Avatar
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    I haven't responded either, so sorry about your losses.

    /hugs
    Jennifer

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