I started a journal where I could get my thoughts and feelings down (http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showthread.php?t=636514) so I won't go through the whole story and timeline again, but anyway I just found out on Monday that I have suffered my first miscarriage. I've been coming to this board for a couple of days, but I just didn't really feel ready to talk about it yet.
The thing that amazes me is how sad I can feel about something that I only knew about for 2 weeks. I literally miscarried 2 weeks from the day I found out I was pregnant (at about 8 1/2 weeks.) Like, imagine losing anything else after only two weeks. Imagine losing a relationship if you had only dated for two weeks, or a job that you had only had for two weeks. You might be angry and confused, but you probably wouldn't be overly sad. I probably wouldn't anyway. But this isn't like that. I feel like I lost a whole potential future. I can't really explain it better than that. And (off and on) I am FURIOUS. Like, why me? This sounds so awful, but I honestly feel like I don't "deserve this." As if anyone ever deserves it. No one does. But I still keep going through my head about how "healthy" I am, and how I take such good care of myself, particularly when I'm pregnant, like that means I don't "deserve" to have to go through this. It's stupid. No one ever deserves this, and anyway, it's not like you can make yourself healthy enough to guard against genetic anomalies and what not.
Anyway, I figured if anyone would understand this, you ladies would. I'm so sorry for all of your losses too. It gets easier, right?