Hi Ladies...I just need to talk...(Loss mentioned)

5 posts / 0 new
Last post
zobi's picture
Last seen: 3 years 11 months ago
Joined: 12/24/07
Posts: 607
Hi Ladies...I just need to talk...(Loss mentioned)

I just received a message reguarding a friend...the message was to tell me that our mutual friend has just lost her 4mnth old baby girl, Te Aroha was the babies name (Im from NZ and in Maori that name means "to love")
They still dont know exactly how or why she passed...

Im not coping with the situation at all, I cant stop the pain I feel inside...Ive not cried this much in years, possibly ever...
I cant even to begin to understand how my friend must feel at this point...
She hasnt many family around her as they have basically ignored my friend since she fell pregnant at a young age, and have had nothing to do with the baby...
She has friends and an aunty with her now...I just hope that that is enough...I just cant not comprehend how someone can come back from something so tragic...That little girl was her life her only family really...

Im so upset...I just wish there was something I could do for her at this time, but feel there is nothing anyone could do....

At the moment it all just feels like a bad dream...Im guessing thats how she must feel and is just wishing she would wake up soon...

I know alot of you have had a loss at some stage...is there anything I could be doing for my friend to help her get through this extremely horrid time...not to mention my own grieving...

Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am sorry for your friends loss and your pain. I think letting her know that you are there for her is key. I am sure she has a lot of support around her right now, but they go away in time. She may need a shoulder to cry on in a few weeks as she start to come to terms with her loss. Hugs!

MissyJ's picture
Last seen: 3 weeks 2 days ago
Joined: 01/31/02
Posts: 3289

((((HUGS)))))) Nat, I am really glad that you took the time to post here. I'm so sorry for your friend's loss... and very grateful that she does have those that care enough to grieve with her.

You asked what you can do for her. You are correct in knowing that no one can necessarily make this "better". You CAN be there for her to show support and love.... to listen -- not just today but days, weeks, and months from now.

This time immediately following a loss can be so very painful to work through, but at the same time the "busy" part of dealing with arrangements does provide a bit of a cushion (for lack of a better word.) You can anticipate that immediately after the funeral however that there may *feel* as there is no escape from the grief. Many around go back to their daily lives whereas she may feel even more alone than before. Just be especially aware of those initial days following the services (or whatever she arranges.)

For these first days, if you cannot be there with her physically perhaps you could help make arrangements with your other friends to send her a small floral arrangement. Something to think of - since you mentioned she was single and young with little support IRL -- do you know if she is going to have problems covering the expenses involved? If so, you could start a fundraiser of sorts among those friends that knew her to help defray some of the costs. Another idea is if you could think of a way to honor the baby -- either with donations to a charity (of mom's choice) such as the March of Dimes or promoting research or prevention for the determined cause of death. There are other ways to memorialize as well.

I'm running a bit short on time for now but did want to respond with at least sharing a few links for you now that really may offer you some help and suggestions. I'll post those below.

One more thing though is specifically addressing your own grief journey. You mentioned your own grieving and indeed you are hurting. I can *hear* the pain in your post. Sad As a friend -- particularly one that has a baby as well -- the rollercoaster of emotions may take you by surprise. Some parents may project a friend's loss in fears of losing their own children. Others may find that they are taken aback by feelings of guilt over still having a living child while their friend is longing for hers. You may be concerned about the new "parameters" of your friendship - and yes, you may find that changed now also (that btw does not necessarily mean in a Bad way -- just naturally different.)

My point? Not only allow her time but be gentle with yourself as well to adjust and to heal. Know that you are welcome to visit here any time you need to or drop one of us a note privately if you prefer.

My thoughts and prayers will be with all of you.

~Missy (links below -- highly recommend you read if you can.)

Helping a Friend through Pregnancy or Infant Loss

Wishlist for a Bereaved Parent

Creating Memories & Saying Goodbye to a Loved One: this one is written for parents but offers some ideas that you can either share with her or use as a means of creating a memorial gift

Last seen: 2 years 6 months ago
Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Hugs and prayers to your friend, and to you. That poor girl, I am so sorry that she does not have the support of family at this terrible time. Just be there for her and to listen when she needs it.

beckastar's picture
Last seen: 4 years 7 months ago
Joined: 01/09/08
Posts: 120

Hugs and prayers to you and your friend.