How are you ladies coping? I don't know how I am going to make it through this holiday season. Thanksgiving was alright as I had a house full of people and was able to not think about Damien because I was so busy. I am really having a hard time facing the thought of Christmas coming up. I am okay one minute and then just sobbing the next. I am worried about driving sometimes. The rain here is not helping my mood in any way what so ever. I was driving home tonight and the tears just started pouring out of my eyes. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sob. I couldn't do that as my daughter and I had to get home. I am still teary. My heart is so broken that it physically hurts. I am sick to my stomach nearly all day long from being so upset. I don't want to ruin Christmas for my daughter and yet how do I make it through? I have such a hole in my soul and feel so broken and devastated. Sometimes I wish that I could deal with this the way that a man would. At least, I guess, how I think a man would. They seem to be able to compartmentalize things so well. You know, hey man....this sucks so I am not going to think about it now. I am such an emotional schmuck. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always have and always will. I feel so cheated. I used to LIVE for the holiday season. I started counting down at the end of September. Now, I realize that Christmas day is four weeks from today and it feels like I have been stabbed in the heart. I feel like I have no choice but to "put on a brave face" around everyone. I don't want to be the one to kill the holiday spirit for everyone else. I just wish that I could.......I really don't know what I wish. I almost wish that I was back at being numb. At least then I didn't have to feel this god awful pain. I feel like a shell of a human being. I know that it wan't my fault. I know that I did everything right. Logically I can accept that. Emotionally accepting that is a totally different story. On top of all of the pain and heartache, I swing into periods (however short they may be) of intense anger. How dare those women care about the job that they were supposed to do so little that my son had to die!!! How dare they go blithely on with their comfortable little lives. I wouldn't be surprised if the only reason that they even think about Damien is because of the lawsuit that won't let them forget.
I will go forward with the holidays. I will fake the smile and laughs if for no other reason than my daughter deserves nothing less. I just feel like such a liar doing that. I guess sometimes it is okay to lie. I am so sorry for rambling on like this and bringing everybody down with my emotional diatribe. I am just wondering if anyone has any coping mechansims for the holidays. If you have made it this far, thank you for "listening". I just have to let it out or I might implode.