Hoping for some comfort
I'm not sure how active this forum is at the moment but I really need to talk about my experience so I figured this is the best place to post. I'm really having a hard time dealing with my recent miscarriage...recent as in 3 days ago..just had my d & c yesterday. The first few days all I could do was cry and now I feel like I need to and I can't. I think I might even be dehydrated from crying so much.
Everything was fine with the baby, saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound at 7 weeks and everything was going so well. The next ultrasound less than two weeks later and the heartbeat was gone. I was so afraid of that but I wasn't prepared for it really...though I'm not sure you ever can be. My doc checked one more time in the morning to be sure and the tech asked if I wanted the monitors off so I said yes. I didn't want to see it again with no heartbeat. I had already started to miscarry by then though I didn't have any bleeding at all through the pregnancy and no cramping until the day they told me the baby was gone.
They scheduled me for a d & c right away for the next day and it went okay except they kept me at the hospital for four hours before surgery and wouldn't even give me anything to calm me down. All I could think about was that they were going to take my baby away. I was distraught enough already, then they brought in the forms I had to sign to allow them to dispose of the baby's body. Where I signed it said "signature of mother". That about killed me. Everything else I had to sign said intrauterine death on it. I went absolutely hysterical and told them I was leaving...they gave me valium after that. It was still the worst day of my life.
It was awful having the baby in my body and knowing it wasn't alive anymore but them taking it was almost worst. It's so hard not to want to protect the baby even though you know it's too late.
Right now I just don't understand what I should be doing...what comes next. Up until now it was all planned out. Another doc appointment then the surgery and now that it's all over I have no idea what to do with myself. I don't know how to go back to work or how to face anybody. I've been eating and showering and all but I don't care. I was home alone all day today cause DH tried to go back to work. He said he wishes he hadn't but he doesn't really have a choice now. I'm just so lost. I have no idea how to go on from here. My MIL keeps saying she wants to come to Easter dinner Sunday cause everyone wants to see us...my response to that was pretty much a giant "are you kidding me?" I know they're sad and upset too and worried about us, but this is such a private grief. I don't want to have to share it with people publicly like that I just can't face it. DH doesn't want to either.
But then what's next? I know I'm supposed to be resting for a few days from the surgery and I've been pretty sore so I know I need it, but I feel so pointless. Everything we've done has been about this baby for months now and I can't do anything without thinking about the baby like it's still there. Does anyone have any advice for how to do this? How do I get through the next days or weeks without losing my mind? I feel like things will never be okay ever again.
Leah, I just wanted to say once again that I am so incredibly sorry that this has happened to you, your husband and your precious little baby. I remember when you posted about seeing his/her hb for the first time and I was so happy for you, I knew that was such a special memory you will never forget, and I'm sure you never will.
I wanted to just mention how I have dealt with grief recently in hopes it might help you in your journey to overcoming the heartache of your loss. I began like you feeling very lost, unsure what to do with myself from one moment to the next. I just went about life when I could and when I couldn't I rest.
When I was ready I began to venture beyond my safe zone of my house with trips to the supermarket and such, slowly pushing myself outside of my confort zone but not so much that it made me want to retreat completely. I then began slowly pushing myself to resume my regular routine and regular socializing. At times I would need to take a break and just collect myself and I reminded myself that this was okay.
One of the biggest things that helped me was finding a way to talk to the person I lost, for me it was their fb page. It could have been a blog or a journal or even letters to burn.
I know it is difficult to compare the loss of a loved one to the loss of your own baby but perhaps it might help...
I am and will be thinking of you regularly.
All my love and prayers ~Mandy
I am so sorry. As I went through something very similar a year ago I can understand your feelings. I went for an u/s at 11w5d and found out there was no heartbeat. We had no idea and my (then) 5 year old son was with us for the bad news. My husband was heading into final exams and that made things harder as I had to deal with my son when I could barely drag myself out of bed.
I was lucky. Our hospitals have an Early Loss program where you can meet with a counsellor who only deals with early losses and she has lost babies as well. It helped to talk to someone who had been there. One thing they program did was give me a teddy bear to hold onto when I needed to. The teddy bear was not to replace my sweet baby but something so my arms were not empty. I was also told that if I wanted I could I have a private burial for the baby or that they have a mass grave (with each baby getting their own tiny casket). They have a special funeral and there is a gravestone so you can visit. They also did an autopsy on Bailey to see why they died - the results that I received was that there was nothing wrong with the pregnancy and did not know why.
Mother's Day last year was horrible but I took that time to name our baby. I think that naming Bailey really helped me with my healing. This last year has been horrible. Having Bailey die put so much strain on my marriage (which had always been very strong) that I almost left my husband. There are many days that I have just laid in bed and cried.
The things that are the hardest is seeing pregnant women and babies. When I went to my OB's office to set up the d&c I cried the whole time I was there. I was supposed to be there at the end of the day when no one else would be there but my doctor had a delivery and was running behind. It was not good.
For me I spent a lot of time reading about miscarriages and why they happen. Did it help? Sometimes. I spent a lot of time talking to my husband and friends. One thing that I heard a lot about which made me angry was people saying you were only 3 months pregnant ... It does not matter if I was 3 months pregnant, 9 months pregnant or 3 days pregnant. I was mommy to a precious baby and I had the right to grieve the loss.
Does the grief get easier? Yes, although there are times when the pain hits like it was day one.
I am hear if/when you need to talk. You can pm me and I can send you my email address if you would prefer that. If you want to read my entire journey it is under "Hate to be joining you".
I am sorry for your loss. There is no right way to grieve. I think that some women have a hard time being coping with a pregnancy loss because people treat it less than the loss of a "living" person.
We had a 30 week stillbirth. After that, people who had earlier pregnancy losses kept telling me about their losses and how they weren't as significant as mine. But I disagree. From the moment the second line appears, you have hopes and dreams and plans that are now squashed. And then everyone else goes on their merry way, but not the mom. The mom was invested in THAT baby, not just a baby.
Take time to heal, time for yourself to grieve and be sad. Perhaps consider a pregnancy loss support group. I found it helpful
I promise it will get better. (Our loss was 5 years ago and it still brings me to tears to think or talk about it. But I no longer break down sobbing. )
After my first loss, there were several things that helped me a lot. One was talking to people. I didn't hide the fact that I was pg, and the fact that I had m/c. A lot of other women I knew started coming out and telling me about their losses. It was sad, but it kinda made me feel better. Also, we named the baby Travis. Giving the baby a name really helped. Also, we didn't have any remains to bury, but we spoke with our pastor and arranged a little private memorial service for us and a few close friends. That also helped tremendously.
I won't lie to you. It is going to be slow, difficult and painful. There will be times when you feel like you're doing fine and coping, then all of a sudden you break down into tears. Just remember that it's okay and normal. You have just lost someone precious. Take some time for yourself. Process your feelings on a forum like this. (I actually spent more time on TTC after a Loss board because it was a lot more active than this one.) Or write in a journal, or meet with a counselor, or with a good friend. You can plant a tree to honor your child or buy a piece of jewelry, like a locket or charm, as a memorial. Do whatever you feel is right. There is no right and wrong answer. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. Just accept that you need to grieve and do it.
I thank you ladies all so so much for your kind words and support. My heart goes out to you all. I can't imagine that there is a pain in this world that is worse than losing your baby. It helps to now I'm not the only one who has felt this way but I feel so indescribably sad for anyone who has been through this. It just isn't fair.
Tonight I ordered a necklace online that's a heart with baby footprints on it. On the back I'm having them engrave the date of the d&c which to me feels like the birth date sort of...that was the day the baby was no longer in my body. I also had them add an April birth stone to it since to me that was sort of when the baby was "born". I didn't even have an option with the hospital on getting the baby back and didn't even think to ask. While I think I probably would have decided to do things the same way if I'd had the choice I kind of resent that I didn't have a choice. I just got a consent that I had to sign that said they were allowed to dispose of the baby. That was so hard to sign...especially the part that said "consent of mother". I hadn't though of myself that way before I read that and I realized that as far as legality was concerned I am a mother.
I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow for my check up to see if I'm okay after the d&c and following infection. I'm concerned about scar tissue and things like that at this point but I hope I feel better after talking to my doc tomorrow. He's also going to do another u/s to make sure everything is gone. I was hospitalized for two days last weekend for a post op infection and the ER was convinced it was the placenta left behind. They were wrong thankfully and it was just an infection and not something that required another d&c. If I find out tomorrow that I do need another for any reason I'll go insane. The doc did say that he didn't want to go back in at all because the chance for complications is higher every time so...at least I know he has my best interest at heart.
Today was rough. I cried a lot and blamed myself a lot. My mom keeps telling me not to but I just feel cursed sometimes...like I'm marked for disaster and I feel like my baby suffered because I was it's mom...I guess it'll just take time. I can't believe it's only been one week.
Sweetie, it has been one week, for me it has been a year and I still feel like that. Your baby did not suffer because you were it's mom! Do you know if there was an autopsy done? It is automatic here but I know the American medical system is so different from our Canadian one. Knowing what caused the miscarriage could help. Try and see if there are pregnancy/infant loss support groups in your area. Just take it one day at a time, if needed one minute at a time. That was smart of you to buy the necklace, I keep going back and forth on one. I want one very much but am afraid to buy it.
Originally Posted by Leah261