I'm not sure how active this forum is at the moment but I really need to talk about my experience so I figured this is the best place to post. I'm really having a hard time dealing with my recent miscarriage...recent as in 3 days ago..just had my d & c yesterday. The first few days all I could do was cry and now I feel like I need to and I can't. I think I might even be dehydrated from crying so much.
Everything was fine with the baby, saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound at 7 weeks and everything was going so well. The next ultrasound less than two weeks later and the heartbeat was gone. I was so afraid of that but I wasn't prepared for it really...though I'm not sure you ever can be. My doc checked one more time in the morning to be sure and the tech asked if I wanted the monitors off so I said yes. I didn't want to see it again with no heartbeat. I had already started to miscarry by then though I didn't have any bleeding at all through the pregnancy and no cramping until the day they told me the baby was gone.
They scheduled me for a d & c right away for the next day and it went okay except they kept me at the hospital for four hours before surgery and wouldn't even give me anything to calm me down. All I could think about was that they were going to take my baby away. I was distraught enough already, then they brought in the forms I had to sign to allow them to dispose of the baby's body. Where I signed it said "signature of mother". That about killed me. Everything else I had to sign said intrauterine death on it. I went absolutely hysterical and told them I was leaving...they gave me valium after that. It was still the worst day of my life.
It was awful having the baby in my body and knowing it wasn't alive anymore but them taking it was almost worst. It's so hard not to want to protect the baby even though you know it's too late.
Right now I just don't understand what I should be doing...what comes next. Up until now it was all planned out. Another doc appointment then the surgery and now that it's all over I have no idea what to do with myself. I don't know how to go back to work or how to face anybody. I've been eating and showering and all but I don't care. I was home alone all day today cause DH tried to go back to work. He said he wishes he hadn't but he doesn't really have a choice now. I'm just so lost. I have no idea how to go on from here. My MIL keeps saying she wants to come to Easter dinner Sunday cause everyone wants to see us...my response to that was pretty much a giant "are you kidding me?" I know they're sad and upset too and worried about us, but this is such a private grief. I don't want to have to share it with people publicly like that I just can't face it. DH doesn't want to either.
But then what's next? I know I'm supposed to be resting for a few days from the surgery and I've been pretty sore so I know I need it, but I feel so pointless. Everything we've done has been about this baby for months now and I can't do anything without thinking about the baby like it's still there. Does anyone have any advice for how to do this? How do I get through the next days or weeks without losing my mind? I feel like things will never be okay ever again.