how do I do this by myself?

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how do I do this by myself?

grieve? my husband doesn't see it as "losing a baby" per se. I think he more looks at it just as something that happened. Not any "real" significance. I'm not trying to make him sound cold or callouse, but he just works differently than I do. And maybe he just didnt' feel the same type of connection, as he wasnt the one who was actually pregnant and carrying the child.
I'd like to find something to remember him/her by. but I need to keep it discreet as I dn't think he would really ... tolerate/appreciate the meaning behind it.
I"m thinking of getting a pendent of some sort. But not sure. part of me says just to let it go, get on with things. the other part of me doesn't want to forget this little person.
i'm confused.

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Last seen: 3 years 11 months ago
Joined: 05/04/06
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Men just handle grief differently... If you think getting a little keepsake would help you- then get one. I dont think getting a pendant is going to have any affect on you letting go. The LO will always be in your mind.

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Last seen: 4 years 2 weeks ago
Joined: 10/05/06
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I am so sorry for your loss. My mother, MIL and sister had multiple m/c's...all of these women have said at one time or another that they've never forgotten those babies so as much as you think maybe you should just "let it go and get on with things", it's really not that easy. Hopefully with a lot of talking your DH will respect your feelings and your sense of loss, even if he's not feeling the same way right now. Men do grieve differently. My DH only cried while we were at the hospital and he was holding our baby. Other than that, I never saw him cry. I asked him one day why he never seemed upset and he said that he was upset all of the time, but just didn't show it by crying. He also said that he wanted to be strong for me. I explained that seeing him cry and grieve was what I really needed...to know that I wasn't alone in feeling so sad. He still didn't cry in front of me, but it helped him to be more open when he was sad.

I say that if you need a little reminder of the life you felt so close to and lost, then do it...do it for you and no one else.

Uropachild's picture
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Last seen: 4 years 6 months ago
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I'm so sorry that you dont feel like your husband would be supportive of your grief right now. I think perhaps that is something that i hope you will address with him soon. Even if he doesnt feel the loss in the same way as you (which isnt at all unusual), he should hopefully still show sympathy for how you feel as a grieving mother.

Perhaps it might pay to look at some reading that deals with the way men grieve? I have a book called "Trying Again, A Guide To Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss" (cant remember the authors sorry). I know the main theme is about trying again, but it does touch on how men feel that is different to us.

Also, i dont know if you have similar organisations, but i was contacted by SANDS in the UK - The Stillbirth And Neo Natal Death Support, and in their 'pack' were leaflets aimed at the father, addressing the ways in which men might deal with things differently. If there is something similar locally it might help to give those to him.

No matter how he feels about the loss itself, i really hope that he can see past what limits he is putting on his own grief so that he can help his wife when she needs him the most. :comfort:

As for keepsakes, i got a necklace from www.labelledame.com. It's really lovely and now it has two charms. Sad They do ones that arent obvious as memorial jewellery too.

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Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
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I am so sorry you feel alone in your grief. Men do grieve differently. I lost my little one 5 months ago and have only seen my husband cry once. Your husband should understand that you need something to remember your LO by, although you will never really forget, it will lie heavy in your heart.

Come here anytime you need to vent or just want support.
Robin

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Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
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I am sorry your DH isn't responding the way you need him to. Like everyone said I think men grieve differently (just like they do everything else differently too). March of Dimes also has info on grieving and pg/ infant loss.

I also want to do something to remember my little on by--I do have an ultrasound that I want to frame, in a small frame and put it in the extra bedroom where I have my stuff, not necessarily put it out for everyone to see, I don't know if that sounds crazy or not...

I was thinking about getting some little charm for my charm bracelet. Sarah, I went to that site but it wasn't a site--are you sure that is the correct name of the website?

:bigarmhug:

Uropachild's picture
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Last seen: 4 years 6 months ago
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Ack!! Sorry. It was a mis-spelling! I've corrected it. Thanks! Smile

shellyhudson's picture
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I highly recommend www.labelledame.com for something to remember the baby by. They have many things that are obvious and there are many that are quite subtle. I have a necklace that has a green crystal (peridot) a red crystal (ruby) and a brown crystal (topaz). They signify EDD, delivery month, and conception month and it also has a forget-me-not flower. If you know me personally then you know the meaning. Otherwise, it just looks like a nice necklace with three colored crystals. Just remember that men grieve differently from women. I would not be surprised if your husband is grieving when you are not around. Men are raised to be the protector and the strength. Many won't let their guard down (even in front of the wife) so that they don't burden us with their pain. I hope that you find the perfect momento of your precious angel.

Shelly

abbyrocks2427's picture
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Last seen: 7 years 7 months ago
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Im so sorry for your loss...men do grieve diffrently..I dont have any advice there but just wanted to send hugs your way and that site the girls gave you is perfect and awesome Im sure you will find something there

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Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 09/18/07
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I am sorry for your loss. Men do grieve differently though. I have photos of my daughter that I want to have framed but my DH can't handle that yet. I am hoping eventually he will be able to. He hasn't even been able to look at her photo yet so I keep it with me in my purse (and of course it is safe on the computer and backed up on two cds - one of which is stored at my mom's).

If you celebrate Christmas, you might want to get an ornament for your tree. Here in Ontario there is an organization called Bereaved Families of Ontario and they have a Christmas Tree lighting ceremony where angels are available for a donation to place on the tree (but you get to bring it home for your tree as well). Perhaps there is something like that in your area.

I'd like to get either a family ring or pendent but I think that would be too obvious for your DH.

Antionette

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Could it be that he is trying to be strong for you? that what My partner did for the longsted time then when day he just brock down. Just becouse they morring diffently then we do don't mean that don't miss are little once.

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Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
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I don't think so. He reall honestly doesn't grieve much. I"m not sure he sees the point.

Buffalo Gal's picture
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Last seen: 3 years 8 months ago
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My dh was the same way. He was very, very upset about it and the night I started to miscarry he says was the scariest night of his life. But when I bought an ornament last Christmas for our "Angel Baby", he freaked out. I think he wanted to forget the pain, which would be easier, but it's much harder for a woman to forget it like that when it was her body going through it all. It stays with you, unlike it does for a man.