Gemma, I just ran across this one the "recent posts" page and couldn't read it without responding.
Although I cannot speak from experience, all the feelings you mentioned make a lot of sense to me. I completely understand being angry, resentful, sad, etc. Throughout the ttc this past year I felt a LOT of what you have mentioned, and I wasn't dealing with a loss (which is far more deserving than ttc struggles).
I was 14 when my mom had a m/c before she had my sister (and 2 other m/c's when I was little) and because I was old enough to understand, and have now been pg myself I have thought a lot about what she must have felt. It is all pretty abstract to me but it stills makes me want to wrap her up in a huge hug.
Anyway, I hope I'm not encroaching on your space to process, but I just want to let you know how much I care, and how much I genuinely think about you and send good thoughts out for you. <3
I hope other women have some helpful advice for you
Gemma, I am so sorry for your loss. Like you I also have fertility issues and so any loss is so frustrating as well as the emotional mess you are due to hormones. When the baby died last year I was so heart broken and I said this is it. I can't go through this stress again we are done. After I had healed some and talked with my doctor and counsellor I was seeing I decided that we would try again.
Making a decision to end TTC is difficult. Give yourself some time to grieve your sweet baby before making decisions.
Also, it is perfectly normal to feel bitter seeing pregnant women, new born babies, etc. The worst for me was having to go to my OB's office.
I'm sorry for your loss. Everything you're feeling is normal. I have those feelings a lot. Often, I just hope to never get pg again, because I don't think I can bear another loss. At the same time, I feel like I have this hole in my life and that there should be a baby filling it. I agree with PP. It takes a long time to grieve the loss, and you may need a long time to recover before you decide you want to try again. Same with your DH. Everyone grieves differently, and it takes some people a lot longer than others. Take your time with it and give DH some space. Eventually, you will both come to a decision that you will agree on. And even then, it may change as time goes on.
And, yeah, I totally feel the resentment toward pregnant women and women with newborns, even women I am close to. It's okay to want to withdraw from them for a time.
I'm feeling the same right now Gemma. I haven't even posted really in a few days just because I'm so mad I feel like I can't stand it. Last night I had a bad breakdown. I threw things and screamed my head off...I haven't freaked out like that since my 3rd cycle of Clomid which we discovered was not something I should ever take again. I guess maybe part of it is my hormones being weird but frankly I'm just pissed off. I resent everything. Tonight DH came home from work and forced himself to work out even though he didn't want to and the interruption kept me from taking a nap and I was so mad I couldn't stand it. I think I was mostly mad because it seems like he can go on with his life and I can't...I'm not sure.
I've also withdrawn...big time. I have no plans to go back to work. I make my own schedule so it's up to me when I do but I have to at some point since the school year is almost over. I don't want to go back and I don't care if I starve to death in the process. I don't want to work with children right now. For so long working with them I thought about what my baby would be like at that age and all and I can't handle those thoughts right now. I feel like I'm trying to avoiding everything dealing with children. DH's aunt has reached out to me (she had 3 m/c's) and asked if we'd like to go out with them once we're both feeling better. She mentioned getting DH's grandmother to babysit and all I could think was "we should be going out and getting her to babysit our child too and they could all play together".
I feel like this about everything so you're not alone. The anger is eating me alive right now and is a lot worse at the moment than the sorrow which also never leaves. I never knew this would be so hard. I hope that something gives you comfort and that you can gain some peace with everything you're feeling. *Hugs*