I am having a hard time coping. I don't want to celebrate anything. I miss my daughter and that is the only thing I want.
How do you ladies get through the holidays. I need some coping skills. I know it is normal to feel sad but I am so tired of feeling sad. I want to move on and feel happy again. I was doing great and then this darn holiday came up and it slapped me in the face. Any suggestions?
PS I want to know how you are doing as well. How are you coping?
i don't know if i'm coping or not...i seem to cry at the drop of a hat, snap at everyone, etc. i went to church this morning and it seemed like there were babies everywhere. i know it's so fresh with me-it's only been 5 days. but i too don't feel like being festive but i know i have to be because it's not fair to the rest of my family. i'm "coping" by letting myself cry if i want to, being lazy and not doing anything...i just try to get through one minute at a time. but it's not easy...
i hope you find some way to cope...it's not going to be easy but i hope that you find some light this Christmas. Take care Robin!
I'm just taking it moment by moment. I still haven't put up my tree but know I should. I try to imagine my little girl looking at me from heaven and sending me angel kisses to dry my tears. I just talk to her when ever I am alone to let her know how much I miss her.
I went to a grief workshop about dealing with the holidays and they said that we are not disrespecting our loved ones by feeling moments of happiness. Those moments are celebrations of their lives. I guess that kind of helped but the fact remains that it is difficult. I am sad and I have yet to say Merry Christmas to anyone. Just can't bring myself to do it. I say thank you, you too but have not uttered the actual words.
I don't know how Christmas morning is going to be. Seeing my nephew who is just 4 weeks older than Lily will be difficult but I will get through it, somehow. We have all experienced the worst possible nightmare and somehow we wake up each day and carry on as best as we can (barely somedays!).
I am falling apart. Crying at the drop of a dime. Wanting to be happy but having a hard time finding anything to be happy about. I know I will be alright but the sadness I feel right now is overwhelming. I feel like a scab has opened up and the tears are the blood pouring out. I thought I was healing until this holiday came around. I miss Rebecca so much, yet I didn't even know her. How can that be?
It is who she should have been that you miss. You saw her heartbeat on u/s and although you may not have had the opportunity to feel her inside you you were surrounding her with your love.
How could you help but love her. She was conceived out of love and you faced so many challenges in conception with PCOS. She was your hopes and dreams for the future. You had prepared yourself to be a mother to a living child. None of us could fathom that we would be a different kind of mother. None of us asked for membership to this club. We know that parenting comes with many challenges but we were ready to embrace those challenges.
Robin, take it easy on yourself as you make your drive to be with family over the holidays. Don't push yourself to fake the happiness 24/7. Make time for yourself to go for a walk/drive or hide in a room and be by yourself. Perhaps try bringing a book to get your mind off of the reality that we find ourselves in.
I am so sorry that you have tears but I think they are the way for you to heal. I wish only the best for you. Be good to yourself. I am thinking of you.
Robin~ Thinking of you. And sending all the warm fuzzy vibes I can find for you. I wish I could say something to make it better, but I know that I can't. I am here if you need anything.
How I'm doing...
I am so sorry that any of us have to have these feelings at the holidays and I hope that all of us find ways to enjoy it just a little. We deserve it. I wish I could give ways that I'm coping, but to be honest, I don't know how I am. I just am. Chris has worked so hard to make sure I had a good holiday and he has really kept my spirits up. I do look down at my belly everyday and think about how big I would have been or how different my days would be right now, but even in missing all of that, I don't feel the way I thought I would. We have saved naming the star for our baby until Christmas day and that will be our way of remembering her. It gives me some comfort to know we have a special thing just for her on that day. I keep thinking of the girl who is keeping her baby now and I don't know, I just feel like I've accepted it. I'm probably just losing my mind, I'll probably break down on Christmas, but for now, I'm doing ok. It's like I've come to this point where I feel like she's with me all the time right now and I know for myself and the baby we will TTC after the New Year (and after the test results, crossing fingers all is well), I have to be ok. I started taking all my vitamins again and drinking all the water I'm supposed to, blah blah. I guess taking better care of myself now is a way I'm coping. When I feel myself slipping, I just hear Chris' guardian in my ear saying to 'fight and fight hard' not to let the depression take hold. She's been through this and knows the fight that it is. I just keep telling myself that I will never get the things I want by staying down and giving up on my life. I absolutely have to learn from this, accept it and although I will never be 'ok', I have to try to move on. I can't keep letting it win. That was such a ramble. Sorry.
I really hope and pray for all of us, especially during the holidays. I know we will be ok. We're always stronger than we think. Like I said, I'll be checking in on Christmas if anyone wants to talk.
Somedays I'm perfectly fine, or at least optimistic and as well as can be expected. Most days though I just feel like it gets worse and worse. I miss them so much...but its more than that now. I miss DH, and everytime I talk to him, he keeps saying how much he just wants to come home and he doesn't know why he left...it wasn't a good enough reason. (he left for Alana... to try to give her a better life, but now she's gone. And all of our sacrifices were for nothing.)
All of our saving and extra money went to expenses from losing Alana, so I have no reserves. I got fired from my job just a week after we lost her. DH is unable to send me money home like they promised he could. I feel like I'm drowning in troubles with no way out. I can't pay the bills month after month... and they just keep tacking on late fees no matter how much I try to explain to them my situation. I feel like I will never be able to get the money to pay for everything. Its so hard for me to accept...because I don't even have unnecessary bills. Its only rent, electric, and a phone bill. As soon as I get any money its just gone...there is no way I could think of saving anything,or buying anything that isn't absolutely necessary. I haven't even been to the grocery store in two weeks. (I keep eating at my mom and sister's house...but they don't really have any money either)
I feel like a horrible person because I still want to have a baby. I know that I can't afford to take care of someone else, I can barely take care of me right now (yes, in the back of my mind I know that once DH gets home everything will be back to normal and wonderful... and he'll have saved tons of money). It wouldn't be fair to give a baby this life. I try to tell myself that there are many people who have far worse circumstances... at least I have a warm place to stay (if they don't kick me out before DH gets home) and a little bit of hope.
I guess its just hard because we did so much for Alana... we had so many hopes and dreams. We even moved to a new place... a little home with a nursery... a nursery that sits empty, completely unused... somedays I just sit in there and cry. Cry for everything that should have been, cry for the great injustice that is my life, cry because I miss DH and my babies. Because I feel so alone in the wide world...like there is really no one who understands, and there is no place to turn for help.
So far this isn't turning out to be a very merry christmas. I'm trying, really I am... I bought presents (I tried to make them nice for what little money I had to spend) I put up the tree (which the cat tore down 6 times)... I sent DH cookies.
Last year all I wanted for Christmas was my baby back, safe and happy. This year, I feel guilty because I don't even care. I just want my DH back, I miss my Danny... I just want him home with me and to stop worrying. I want to be happy and normal again. Missing him overshadows everything... he's been a constant in my life, always there, always my best friend... even when we were mad, even when we both did stupid things. I still loved him and he was always there when I needed him. Now I HATE that he has to be gone... when I need him most, when we need each other. I hate the stupid military for taking him from me... if I could have one wish for Christmas, I just want to hear his voice. I just want to hear his say I love you...and that its going to be alright.
This is a novel... a huge pity party novel. And I've become a thread jacker... I'm sorry. Once I started I just couldn't stop...now I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, but I do feel a little bit better...because I know you will always be here to listen. When I feel really alone, this is where I come...because I know you'll understand. we're like sisters... a different kind of family because we've all shared the same pain... its so bittersweet.
I love you guys...
Mommy to 2 angels
Waiting for my Marine to come home