How to stay strong? (PG MENT, CHILD MENT)

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marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183
How to stay strong? (PG MENT, CHILD MENT)

I had a m/c in May and assumed it was just one of those fluke things that happens since my first pregnancy ended with the birth of my healthy DS. So DH and I decided just to try again right away, and to our surprise I got pregnant immediately after my m/c. We didn't even wait for a normal cycle.

We were surprised with an early u/s because my doc's office wanted something for dating purposes. At that time I was 6w6d and the bean had a heartbeat. I was happy of course, but still terrified, even though everything seemed to be going okay. Last Wednesday, I hit 9 weeks and was devastated to wake up to some bleeding. It was brown, which I know they say is "old blood", but I dealt with this for 4 weeks before having my last m/c. So to me it seemed horribly abnormal. I had purchased a home doppler, and decided to use it, fully expecting it to be too early to find the heartbeat. I was overjoyed to find it quickly, but still worried about the bleeding. It lasted 2 days and was really light, then went away for a few days, so I thought maybe everything was okay. Then it came back yesterday, heavier, and with a little pink in it.

My doctor has been basically ignoring me saying that if I m/c this early, there's nothing that can be done about it. I understand that, but at the same time, I want answers and I would like someone to try to do something about it. So yesterday when the bleeding picked up, I freaked out and went to the ER. They did an u/s and said the bean still had a strong heartbeat and still looks normal. They couldn't find a reason for the bleeding. They did blood tests and a pelvic exam with tests for vaginal infections. Everything looked normal.

I called my doc to follow up and they are getting the records from my visit from the ER, so hopefully my doc will look at them, although I doubt it will do any good.

So basically... I'm just wondering how you guys keep the strength to keep going after a loss, what you've done to keep your sanity if you did get pregnant again, how you manage to keep TTC after a loss (or worse, multiple losses)...? I just feel like a mental case. DH and I have always said we'd like 3 kids, but I'm at the point where I would seriously consider quitting after 2. I would like for DS not to be an only child, but to be honest, I've considered just stopping with him, although that's really not preferable. I want him to have someone to play with, you know? Ugh...... I just don't know how people deal with loss after loss and still keep their chin up....???

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Sending hugs. :bigarmhug:
It is hard to stay positive when you have had a loss. It is human nature to prepare ourselves for the worse in cases like this to protect our emotional health.
Many women bleed through the entire pregnancy. The doctors are right, there is nothing they can do. But, it still sucks and I can understand your need to feel like a person and not another “number”. Doctor’s forget that sometime.
As hard as it may be, my suggestion would be to relax and put down the Doppler. Get some rest and relax. Searching for the heartbeat every hour is only going to drive you nuts. Put your feet up, watch some funny movies, eat some ice cream, and think about something else for a while.

Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them.
-- Author Unknown

marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183

I made this original post 11 days ago. Last night, I had a big bleed. For the first time this pregnancy, the blood was bright red instead of brown. I'm still picking up the hb on my doppler, 160's. But... I just can't understand why I'm bleeding like this. My doctor (who I've been considering dumping) shows no real interest in trying to find a cause of the bleeding. I know there are things like subchorionic hematoma that can cause bleeding, but still end up okay more often than not. I'm praying it is something like this, but I have no idea.

Here's the thought that scares me the most. The heart is still beating, three days ago I had an u/s and saw a bean with squirmy little legs. I'm scared to death that there's nothing wrong with the baby, but for whatever reason, my body is rejecting it. I'm Rh+, so that's not an issue. Is it possible to m/c a normal baby? I think it's too early for cerclage (I'm not even sure if my cervix is open... 3 days ago, my doctor said it was closed). I just don't know what's going on with me.... I'm 11 days from the 13 week mark...

Of course these things happen on the weekend when the doctor's office is closed...

mommys's picture
Joined: 05/08/06
Posts: 6264

I'm so sorry. Bright red is definately scarier than the darker stuff, isn't it? I don't have answers for you, just lots of hugs. Having been through this miscarriage with the bleeding, I can really understand how scary this must be to you. The bleeding is so scary and the thought of losing your beautiful squirmy bean is a lot to have to worry about.

Bedrest! or as close as you can get! I know that is not medical advice, just my opinion, but it is what I would do.

Also, switch doctors! Do you have an appt with the other clinic yet? You need to have someone who is at least going to try to make you feel better. Your doctor is just being too laid back to fit your situation. You talked to him, but he hasn't changed - so you need to change. IMO

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. Please feel free to vent here. I will keep a watch on this thread (it is hard to go to the birthboard to often for me).

You are in my prayers!

marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183

I talked to DH, and we are in total agreement now... I will call first thing Monday morning, and if they will not get me in same-day, we are moving to a different doctor. You're right... He's entirely too laid back about it. I understand that if I'm going to m/c, there's nothing that can be done this early. I know that. But the bean is still alive in there. Why won't he try to find out why I'm bleeding??? So anyway... I'm going to try to get in on Monday, and if he won't, we're switching doctors.

DH doesn't want to use the one practice I had mentioned because they're substantially farther away and do not deliver at the hospital closest to us (it's about 10 minutes from my home and work and has a good L&D reputation). That, plus the fact that they're closed Fri, Sat, and Sun makes me agree with him. I'm afraid that being closed 3 days per week will cause me to deal with similar problems with them being hard to contact.

So anyway, we'll see what happens on Monday. But at this point, I am 99% certain that I'll be finding a new doctor.

This situation is so sad and scary for me.... Sad

mommys's picture
Joined: 05/08/06
Posts: 6264

Good for you.

Really quick. I understand the distance factor and no delivering at your hospital factor. Those are decent reasons. I want to reassure you about the closed 3 days per week thing though. My midwives have a pager and when I was bleeding it was always in the evening or weekend (isn't that how it always works) so I used the pager system. They called me back and were wonderful each time. OBs/MWs work a lot of "off" hours so I can understand shorter office hours.

I hope you find someone wonderful to care for you.

marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183

Well... I've started losing tissue. Sad Not a ton yet, and I'm not contracting/cramping heavily yet like I did with my last m/c, but maybe some light cramps. But my guess is it will happen before the weekend is over. I'm hoping desperately that it holds off until Monday so I can request a D&C. I just can't imagine going through this naturally again. I'm terrified this time because I know there's a real baby in there... I know it's heart was beating just a couple hours ago. I know it has squirmy little legs. And yet, my body is in the process of passing it. I'm devastated.

Now that I'm certain it's ending, I just want it over with so I can go back to being a good mother to DS. I feel like I've been neglecting him a little over the past few months with these terrible pregnancies and with the loss. I'm putting TTC and plans for future babies on hold for a loooong time and just focusing on DS and enjoying life for a while.

mommys's picture
Joined: 05/08/06
Posts: 6264

Awww, sweety. Are you going to go to the ER?

marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183

No, I don't think I'm going to the ER. I've been told repeatedly how there's nothing that can be done if you're going to m/c this early... So I just figure I'll wait until Monday morning and try to get in to see my doc.

mommys's picture
Joined: 05/08/06
Posts: 6264

How are you today?

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

IMHO, I would go to the ER. You would know what was going on. It may not be tissue but part of a clot that you are passing. (Fingers crossed.) Sending prayers.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

IMHO, I would go to the ER. You would know what was going on. It may not be tissue but part of a clot that you are passing. (Fingers crossed.) Sending prayers.

mommys's picture
Joined: 05/08/06
Posts: 6264

Mary, I'm thinking of you.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So sorry to hear of the bleeding and frustrations with your Dr.
How are you doing today?
I am so sorry for your having to experience this again. T&Ps.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Any updates?

marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183
Still pregnant...

I called my doctor first thing yesterday morning and they got me in for an appointment at 11:20am. I was so happy that they got me in. The doctor was different this time... More like the way I remembered and liked him before, not rushed and genuinely concerned. He did a cervix check first. Said it was closed and that he did not see any active bleeding or any tissue in there.

Then he did a vaginal u/s. The screen was turned away from me at first, but he very quickly said, "Your baby is still viable." I was happy to hear that, but I asked him if he could see any source of bleeding. He looked around for a while, but said he couldn't find anything out of the ordinary. His machine is older, so he went down the hall to see if the u/s tech could squeeze me in on her very modern equipment.

She took me in for another vaginal u/s. The baby was moving a lot... She had to try 3 times to get its heartbeat because it was moving around in there. She finally got the heart rate, 162. Baby was measuring a couple days ahead this time, 12 weeks (at 11w5d) and just over 2 inches long, CRL. She also could find no cause for the bleeding.

My doctor said his best guess is a subchorionic hematoma... But it's just a guess. He said the progression has been similar to what you would expect to see with that... Several days of light bleeding, followed by one huge scary bleed, but a baby that is still viable. I hope he's right. It's all just so terrifying, especially with the m/c still being so fresh in my mind. He also mentioned that about 25% of women will bleed during their pregnancy and most will still have a healthy baby. He did say that because of the bleeding, my risk of m/c is considered higher, but that the increased risk is really rather small. He seemed optimistic.

I've been trying to work on ways to manage my stress, but if anyone has any tips, I'll take them! I've been boycotting my doppler, trying NOT to check my underwear every 5 minutes... Even further, trying to not even look when I go to the bathroom. Spending less time here on the boards. It all seems to help some. I'm an anxious person by nature, especially when something bad is happening, and I have trouble coping and managing the stress. So this has been exceptionally hard. Every little pain means the end of the world.

I'm just trying to remain positive. Tomorrow will be 12 weeks. The first trimester is almost over and baby still looks healthy. I'm just trying to take it day-by-day and hope for the best. *Deep breath*....

mommys's picture
Joined: 05/08/06
Posts: 6264

Smile good news.

Best wishes Mary, I'll continue to pray for you.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

:bigarmhug: I am glad you got good news.
It is so hard to worry and not to run to the bathroom at every odd feeling. I would spend as much time with my feet up as I could. Get into a good book or rent all your favoritve movies. I would also ask about asprin. It may not help, but the mental knowledge that you are "doing something" may be worth it's weight in gold. Herbal teas are good for relaxing, so is the smell of lavendar. I have Bath and Body works bed spray and use J&J baby bath. Umm.....
Omega's 3, 6, and 9 work well for anxiety and, from what I hear, as long as they do not have cod fish oil are safe during pregnancy (though double check) they are also good for the baby.

natelukesmom's picture
Joined: 02/08/09
Posts: 538

I'm still thinking of you Mary...but all sounds like it is going well. Please try to take care of yourself. Hugs!

FLSunshineMom's picture
Joined: 06/07/06
Posts: 3859

I am just now reading about all of this... so sorry you have had to go through this :bigarmhug: I was quite relieved to hear that your lil' bean is still going strong Biggrin Maybe try thinking of the bleeding as something completely separate from the baby.

I agree with the others to rest, read a book, watch funny movies, and use calming scents and candles.

Praying for you.

From one Mary to another Smile

marymoonu's picture
Joined: 03/15/08
Posts: 2183

Well, DH said last night what I had been starting to think for probably the past 5 days or so... The bleeding is just "normal" for us now. It has started to not be so devastating and stressful when I see it (probably because it's there every day). I've had multiple u/s that show an appropriately growing baby and I can still hear the hb on my doppler. So I'm no longer assuming that the bleeding is a sign of impending loss. I'll be hitting 13 weeks on Wednesday, which I'm happy about. It would be nice to have some sort of explanation for the bleeding, but I do understand that I likely never will. Still just taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best. What do they say... Difficult pregnancy, easy baby? Wink One can only hope...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am glad things are going well. It still sucks you are bleeding, I can not imagine knowing it may be the "norm" will bring much peace. Hang in there!